Cheating at the start of a relationship and lying about it

[JMDM89]

Hi Ladies,

So, I met my bf on a dating website, he lived in England and I in Scotland, we have been together for 2 years now. Due to the distance we only got to see each other once a month for the first 6 months of our relationship but we always made that effort to speak everyday and plan who would fly to visit the other person the following month. I made the decision to move to England to be with him 1 year ago.

3 months ago I found out that 3 months into the start of the relationship that he went out with his mates and got with another woman. When I say ‘got with’, he told me that he only danced and kissed her, I still consider that cheating.

He says that we weren’t ‘offical’ at that time anyway, but when I ask why did he not just tell me at the time then and he says that he was worried of losing me. If we weren’t official why would he have been worried about losing me.

I didn’t ever think for a second that he could have done such a thing as he comes across as such a big hearty and loving person, his family think he is an amazing man, and my sister always says that he is a ‘really man’ (she doesn’t know about this cheating thing).

I was so hurt, upset and angry that he did this to me, 3 months on I still can’t get over it, I think about it everyday and cause arguments because of it.

Am I over reacting? I feel that the foundations of our relationship of trust and respect have been broken. I know that I am hurt and upset by what he has done, but is there any chance of me getting over it? How do I get over it?

Timeline:
May 2016 - we met online and met in the Lake District for the first date
June 2016 - he visited me in Scotland and when we first slept together
July 2016 - I visited him in England for the weekend
July 2016 - he went to a wedding, he sent me a picture of him and a woman and said btw that’s my sister
August 2016 - he visited me in Scotland for the weekend
12th August 2016 - he text me telling that he was falling for me
13th August 2016 - he was at his friends house drinking, text me and then told me he was going to bed but turns out he actually went out to a club and did the cheating
15th August 2016 - travelled to another site for work with a female colleague and told me that I had nothing to worry about
September 2016 - he asked me to be official with him
October 2016 - we told each other that we love one another
February 2017 - I moved to England where we moving in together
February 2018 - he told me that he kissed someone else

I think I am just hoping to find a way to get over this and not think about it everyday. Or maybe I think about it everyday because it is unforgivable.

Thanks for your help in advance.

I would feel the same, and it would be the lying that would do it, for me.

And I say that as someone who's open to consensual nonmonogamy. It's not the monogamy or lack of it, it's the having information withheld so that I don't get to make informed decisions about my own life.

And as you say, if you were important enough to him that he didn't want to lose you, then why would he have done it at all?

Also, if you're long-distance, if anything, trust is even more important than usual, if that's possible. Especially if you end up uprooting yourself to be with the other person. You need to be completely on the same side. I don't consider someone who withholds information they know I might leave them over to be on my side.

I'm sorry I can't advise you on what to do, but that would be where I would end up standing on the matter.

OP - it was two years ago and at the beginning, when it wasn’t yet clear where it was all going. And you were long distance - it’s always a difficult thing when relationships start this way.
Anyway - he didn’t chose to move on - she chose to be with you.

So - unless there are issues in your today’s relationship - or you are looking for a reason to break up - you need to try to move past seeing the world as very black/white. Because it isn’t.
Maybe this wasn’t a perfect behaviour - but expecting 100% perfection 100% of time doesn’t work, really.

My exh shagged his ex at the bumpy start of our relationship and in 5 years I never forgot ...

I was still sleeping with someone else a few months into relationship with DP. It awkwardly came up when I suggested we became official, exclusive, etc, and he said he already was...! I hinted that I hadnt been, but it is quite a difficult thing to bring up. If he had kissed someone in that time, tbh I wouldnt want to know and it wouldnt technically be any of my business. Like you we were only seeing one another once every month or two. I guess the question is do you think he is retrospectively saying you werent official (to get off on a technicality), or were you really not? Or at least was there ambiguity?

Although I never lied about anything in my case. The lying about where he was going (to bed) is the worst bit for me. Lying is lying.

I didn’t realise that we were back to being teenagers and had to ‘officially’ ask the other if they would be your boyfriend/girlfriend. I thought that being emotionally involved told wither the relationship was official, and telling me the night before that he was falling for me said a lot about our emotions for each other.

He has previously lied about other things, kept things from me that he knew I wouldn’t like and make me uncomfortable. So he had painted a picture of himself being 100% perfect.

OP - the more you write - the clearer it becomes that you aren’t happy with him.
For whatever reason - something in your relationship isn’t feeling right to you.

People often tend to fixate on something and find reasons to justify that feeling.
But you do NOT need to. You don’t have to be in a relationship that doesn’t bring your joy or makes you happy.