Horrid father in-law

[gem1n1]

I am so stressed out re my ‘father in-law’ (we aren’t married but I guess now we have a baby together he is technically my father in-law)
My baby is 4 weeks old and before the baby my relationship was somewhat strained. We are polar opposites. He is the type of man who thinks really old fashioned, believes men should work women stay at home and cook and clean. He doesn’t lift a finger at his home, does nothing for his wife and generally is a very lazy man. He lacks sympathy for anyone and can’t hold a conversation with a woman. He is a ‘mans man’ and doesn’t know how to act around women. Because of this our relationship has been pretty non existent for the past 11 years, I mean the other day I heard him ask my partner what my surname was! He doesn’t know my full name in 11 years so that pretty much sums up how interested he is in me! Last year I had to have surgery on my head, involving my skull being drilled into whilst awake, obviously any surgery is scary but when it’s to do with your brain I feel as though it’s definitely one to be taken seriously. I needed all the support I could get from family and the night before I went in he was mocking the surgery telling me his knee surgery was more of a risky painful procedure and laughing about it etc and I left his house crying my eyes out, so offended. My partner was in the room at the time and didn’t say a word! His family seem to be scared to stand up against him, he can be quite intimidating. So this is something I will never forget. After the surgery he never once asked how I was and after giving birth recently via a c-section he again has not asked how I am or anything. Now I am absolutely stressing out knowing I’m going to have to see him more due to me having my baby and I know this sounds horrendous but the thought of him holding my baby makes me feel physically sick. When I know that he is coming over on the weekend A few days before I start really stressed out about it and I can’t seem to enjoy my days because I know he’s going to be in my house holding my baby I’m not even acknowledging me. He makes me feel so insecure and to make matters worse we have given our son the same name as him as it’s a family tradition of theirs and I so desperately didn’t want to honour him that because of how disgusting he is towards me. It took us three weeks to name our son purely for the fact that I could not commit to his name. I do not want him to be named after such an ignorant horrid man. But because my partner has the same name I almost felt like I had no choice. I never really told my partner before this how strong my feelings were towards his dad but because I was having such a hard time naming Our baby I had to be completely honest and my partner was really shocked but did admit that he is funny around me. How am I going to shake this feeling off? I can’t carry on feeling like this as each time he comes round my house I end up resenting him even more to the point now I barely can even look at him. Not that it makes any difference to him because he doesn’t look at me or make any conversation with me anyway even since the babys been born May I add! I had to be completely honest and my partner was really shocked but did admit that he is funny around me. How am I going to shake this feeling off? I can’t carry on feeling like this as each time he comes round my house I end up resenting him even more to the point now I barely can even look at him. Not that it makes any difference to him because he doesn’t look at me or make any conversation with me anyway even since the babies being born.
There are so many things I could say that I’ve gone on the list is endless, any advice would be great.

Plan your Saturday with your Mum as back stop.

Tell your (not so D, )P that you are knackered & need rest if your bfeeding is to continue successfully, & your wounds to heal. ( all true)

Tell him firmly he is to make everyone a drink on arrival, & have 15 mins of chit chat, then announce you need to feed the baby & rest on doctors orders. ( might possibly be true)

Keep a firm hold on your baby & let everyone coo over him but do not let him be passed around like a parcel, he's only 4 weeks old & you can tell them it's not advised to because of risk of infection (always a good cop out & possibly true)
If you feel you are not able to directly refuse your inlaws, resort to....."the midwife has said/advised" " the doctor said"
it's a way of standing up to him by making it sound like it's not your idea.

I wish I had a rude family member to practice all that on!

single - I would be happy to lend you one of mine!

You can do this OP. Good luck. I love my inlaws but we all wouldn't want to see each other every weekend, and especially not when I had a new baby. senioritabonita : nicely handled! You are awesome!

Have you registered the baby's birth yet? Are you giving the baby your partner's surname? Please call the baby his own name and give him your last name.

Change that baby’s name and if your DP wants the same name,he can get himself to the solicitor and change it by deed poll to YOUR baby’s name. Time for a change. You have a baby. You now get to set the rules. You are in charge. You do not have to accept them visiting and you get to be honest. Say to your partner that you want alone weekend time with the baby and he is to call his family and tell them you’ve changed your mind and they can’t come. What’s the worst that can happen? FIL starts ignoring you? Already happening! Put your foot down. Tell your partner you don’t want your FIL in your house again. It’s okfor him to go visit there but you no longer want anything to do with him unless it’s on your terms. Go full Queen bitch mode. It’s about time you did.

Definitely get your mum to come along.
As a
For
The name, you're clearly not happy. Just say to your husband how unhappy you are with it and you want to make it say his middle name instead? Chose a name you both like

Family tradition is bollocks, the last three me. In my family we're called James - my son has the middle name
Of James but he has a Scottish first name as that's what me and husband chose together

Tradition is bollocks - it's control and your FIL sounds very controlling! Just say NO!

Whilst we're in the subject make sure he realises your rules about BF because for me I went in my bedroom alone and no family were allowed in - just in case he's the type
Of creep to get close when you're vulnerable and bf, unable to move .... sends shivers down my spine

Hows your day been gem ?

You poor thing, he sounds just like my ex father in law. Vile man. When my dc were born I left the house with them in tow and was always "busy" when he arrived. I eventually cut all contact and he recently died...

Tell your dp that it's tradition in your family that it is unlucky to name a baby after somebody else, they need their own name.

And how far back does the tradition go? 7 or 8 generations is a tradition. Fil and dp is not.

You can have a lot of fun with this OP so find your Tiger Mother instinct and don't allow anyone to bully you.

What is he going to do? Hit you? Scream at you? If he does either you calmly and firmly ask him to leave your house (and call the police if he dares to assault you).

Remain emotionless and calm so practise in front of the mirror, deep breaths and play act all the scenarios you have come across so far and would like to have had a different outcome.

Stop feeling like a powerless victim. You are your baby's mother which gives you all the rights you need to choose your baby's name and not have people around who upset you.

Hopefully op you can see you are powerful and can dictate who sees your baby. If you want you can leave you can.

They will respect you if you show backbone so show it and good luck!

You need good role models in your child's life and if they don't behave well you limit their contact or go no contact!

Good luck op and report back how it goes!

My day went ok yesterday DoryNow thank you for asking!

The FIL didn't even say hello to me and just said hi to my partner and the baby. As I'm breastfeeding I made the excuse to leave the room each time and go upstairs so majority of their time here I was breastfeeding away from him so that was great!
I could tell it was irritating him so that was even more of a plus.
I didn't speak to him or look at him once I made a huge point of making a fuss over my MIL and my SIL, calling them auntie and nanny to the baby and not acknowledging him, i know it's childish but I'm kind of playing him at his own game at the moment. I didn't give him a chance to be rude to me yesterday but the next time he is I will be addressing it there and then.
I am struggling to do so though I am too much of a worrier which is annoying and hard to admit as I know a lot of mums on here give the tough love but my baby is 5 weeks old I'm recovering from a section and it's my first baby so I'm not feeling 100% myself. Because believe me if I was I would have had the show down already. X

You did well. Keep it up. I would say to start as you mean to go on. That applies to your DP as well in terms of his part of the childcare. Be sure he doesn't leave it all to you.

Thank you SandyY2K! That's very encouraging x exactly what I needed to hear

You have put him in his place - you didn't need to say anything because he can now feel your confidence and power and you are in control so he didn't dare. Well done you - you have achieved so much - keep it up.

Theres still time to change the kids name x

That sounds like good progress op! You need to plan some lines to have on hand- options like ‘my goodness do you really think that?’ This is why they have baby classes for the grandparents these days.’ Or if he has an unwelcome opinion about parenting : ‘I didn’t think you were involved enough when yours were this age to understand / have an opinion on x. It’s different now, dh is a hands on dad ’
And do change the baby’s name. Tell Dh if he’d been more supportive over the past 10 years with your relationship with his father it might be different but you can’t cancel 10 years of negative interactions and the name won’t work.

Change the name -- really important signal for your DH.

"Did you mean to be so rude?" Is a great one said in a firm, slightly raised voice.

Look him straight in the eye and pause before saying anything ( for great effect) and say everyone in your child's life needs to be a good role model. So no bad language, no insults, no sexist jokes.

Why not do a group email/ message and spell out how things are going to be from now on if they want to be in your child's life?!

Pull him up on every misdemeanor, act frosty and gush over the nice relatives.

His bullying ways will end if you don't play his game so I hope you carry on ( you have made a fabulous start).

You could even give him guidelines to correct his behaviour!

Your dd will be so proud of you when she grows up if you manage to be strong like this and stop the pattern of misogynistic and bullying behaviour.

Good luck op!

I will absolutely take your suggestions on board fluffyrobin !!!! All really helpful and doable!!!!!

another20 thank you for the positivity!
This is really helping me feel so much better about the whole situation x

Well done OP :)

I have been following your story OP. Well done it took a lot of courage and strength especially Post section to make a stand. Stay strong and keep us posted.
There have been some brilliant comebacks suggested by PP! I’ll add mine.

If he says something mean-
Ouch! that not kind
Things have changed since you had your DS, I’ll pick you up some guidelines pamphlets the next time I see the child health nurse
You could always pull him up on his rudeness and embarrass him. “Hello FIL, (using a loud voice so everyone can hear) I’m sorry didn’t you hear me- HELLO FIL. Maybe you should get your hearing checked, they have great hearing aids these days 😂

My sister deals with my very rude bullying sister by saying:

"Enough - or I am leaving / or you are leaving"

No need to explain, think of something clever on the spot as they know exactly what they have done. I am still a work in progress as I go straight into frozen shock mode but stew about it for months afterwards.