What do you guys do of a evening?

[Mikethenight2good]

Hi,

Sorry for this random post, but what do you and your DH do in the evening? Our kids are young so in bed by 7, so the evening is the only time we get on our own.

I feel dh is being really unfair lately. He goes and watches tv on his own and then goes to bed. He won't sit together and watch something or a film. He has even started doing it at the weekend. I have brought it up with him, and his response "I don't want to watch your crap programmes". I am happy to watch something we both like but he doesn't want to. It is making me feel quite lonely. I like company, he likes his own space.

This is connected to the fact we are drifting so we both need to make a effort but it can be quite draining....

The problem is that I suspect that any suggestions that you made to him would be turned down by him, so even having a whole list of ideas wouldn’t help your situation. I had a similar issue with an ex. I suggested we sit at the table and have a meal and talk, he did it but the whole time he was itching to get back to the TV! I suggested various hobbies, all turned down by him. Nothing I tried worked. One of the reasons he’s an ex!

He needs to make a commitment to work on this with you, without that you’re fighting a losing battle. So step 1 has to be getting him on board In the first place. Maybe start with one or two nights a week where you both make the commitment to do something together. If he’s not willing to do that, then you have to ask some serious questions about the relationship.

Do you has to watch tv?

If kids are in bed by 7 and your DH just watches TV, can you go out to a class or something?
Start your own hobbies out of the house?
A Fitness class once a week?
Or a local course of a hobby that interests you?

I realise you want to do things with your DH but it doesn't seem like he's interested.
Have you tried relationship counselling?
How is the sex? Frequent?

Could you sit down and plan out a couple of evenings.
With my ExH (many moons ago), we had one evening a week where would have no TV and have a games night. Board games and card games.
Then another night where we take it in turns to cook an evening meal and have it away from the front room and TV and spend a good hour or so just talking over dinner, having a few drinks together and listening to music.

No we don't have to watch tv it's just something we have eneded up doing. I do an class one eve a week and have started exercising at home to break up the boredom.
We just don't seem to have any activities we like in common. I book date nights and a baby sitter, he hasn't organised anything. It's just so lonely.

We have a civilised dinner without the kids. Put a film on or watch some Netflix. Sometimes we do our seperate crafts. Or one of us goes out to the cinema or with friends. If we watch tv then it’s usually a documentary, series or film, not a soap.

It sounds like he doesn't really care about spending time with you. He's not making any effort to compromise or do something together.

Kids are in bed by 7 and your partner escapes to the TV? Does he actually want to change? I think that is the key question here. It doesn't sound like it if he is refusing to contemplate ways that you can do some things together some evenings. Does he accept that he needs to put some effort in? If not then you may have some tough thinking to do about how you want your life to be for the next 50 years or so.

You asked what other mumsnetters do. We never watch TV in the week. Our standard evening consists of jointly preparing dinner, or I will if he is working late. We always eat together as a family. As it's the summer we might go and do something together outside, just messing around in the garden, trampolining, playing catch or whatever, then he makes the packed lunches and tidies the kitchen whilst I put DD to bed. Then we chill for a bit with a cup of tea and quite often have an early night ourselves .

Talk, listen to music and discuss it or dance around the kitchen, go to bed early together and read, look at the auction catalogues for our local auction house, unpack the online shopping, tidy up. But mostly we chat. Sometimes in summer we walk round the woods. We don't seem to run out of things to say. But then I'm out of house 4 evenings a week in term times, so we make the most of the weekend and evenings I'm home.

We don't have a television. Best thing I ever did was get rid of it. It's brain numbing and sucks your will to do anything else.

Whats the point of being married to be stuck by yourself all the time, you might as well be single.
I'd be talking to him about doing things together and ask him for suggestions about things you can do on an evening. Could you do decorating, DIY, the garden, read stories to each other, play games etc?

Whats the point of being married to be stuck by yourself all the time

A lot on mumsnet think the point of being married is primarily for legal protection, tax benefits and for preferable inheritance circumstances rather than anything else.

We do watch TV but never seperately because I remember my friends mum would just sit on her own in the kitchen watching tv and it used to make me feel sad. You need some kind of compromise.

How many years of this can you put up with? You can be lonelier when you're with someone than when you're single. It's sad that he doesn't want to spend time with you, and it's not the way a loving relationship/ marriage should be. We usually spend at least 2-3 hours together in the evening, watching something that we both enjoy, or walking the dog, going for a drink, generally catching up with each other. You need to have a serious talk with him.

Prepare dinner together and sit down and eat together to talk about the day. Sometimes do a bit of work, do some writing. Speak to our families on the phone. Go out to see a movie. Have friends round for dinner. Watch TV together - or if he's watching something I don't watch, I'll sit and read on the sofa next to him so at least we're hanging out together.

I watch TV or game on my PC and my DH will usually watch his programmes on his iPad or on the TV it depends what is free to use. He watches a lot of box sets like supernatural and I prefer the Simpson's or Documentaries He also plays the PlayStation. It's our time to unwind and zone out.