Is it possible to regain respect??

[namechangemaestro]

I have lost all respect for my partner - we've been together 5 years and have a 9 month old DD.
I love him, as in I care about him, but over the years I have lost alot of respect for him and therefore barely feel any attraction to him whatsoever.
He realky struggles to deal with what he considers "stress" but is actually just daily life (looking after DD, going to work, studying etc), and has a serious weed addiction to "help him relax" because of it.
He is really into clothing and brands, something I am really not into, and he sometimes changes his clothes 4 times before going out - he's not at all vain though, and really it stems from deep routes insecurity. I feel bad the he is like this, but I'm a confident and positive person and being with someone so needy and insecure has developed into a massive turn off.
He used to be into exercising and the gym and socialising but he does none of those things anymore, yet moans that he feels unfit and unhappy with how he looks.
He stays up late every night yet complains every day about how tired he is. He barely contributes to any house work and if he does he wants a massive pat on the back for it. I do the majority of childcare / housework and don't make a peep about it - it's life!
He seeks constant reassurance and it's honestly just so draining, and as I say, I can't respect someone like that.
I want to be with someone who is self assured, mature, confident, proactive.
I have (gently) said some of these things to him tonight and he did seem to take them on board, but I'm not sure whether, even if he changed everything tomorrow, once the respect is lost you can ever get it back?
Will I ever be able to un-see all these faults?? Am I fighting a losing battle?

I don't want to break up really, I want to admire him and fancy him and be proud of him, but at the moment I feel none of these things.

Sounds like your in a hard place and he's got some work to do.
Is he willing to make changes to save your relationship?
I've experienced relationships with cannabis and I'm afraid it does effect people, but they never want to believe it. Maybe if he can atleast cut that down if not stop would you regain respect?
I hope you can work things out. You've done the first step. Let's hope he does do those things.

What a dreadfully negative role model he is for your dd.

Why on Earth are you doing all the housework, what sort of role model are you?

It sounds as if he is seriously mentally ill and/ or selfish and you are enabling him to be like that by taking up his slack.

Start disentangling yourself from this loser or he'll make your dd's life unhappy and negative instead of happy and peaceful.

Put your dd first. You can't help someone who doesn't see a problem or who doesn't want to be helped.

To answer the actual question, if he really did change and get his act together all of a sudden, I think you might regain attraction and respect for him. It would have to be a big turn around though. Doing a bit more here and there and popping to the gym once a week aint gonna cut it.
Whether he can or will is another question.

He says he's willing to make changes as of today (apparently). But to be honest I feel like I'm partly to blame for putting up with this crap for so long.
As PP said - what kind of role model am I for my DD by staying with someone like.this? I wouldn't want her putting up with this kind of behaviour at all in the future. I just keep hoping he'll change, but I don't know whether these things are so deep within his person that I'm deluded to think he will be any different.

The weed needs to go entirely.

He can't change his basic personality

You are incompatible and you don't fancy him

No coming back from that, really

Yes, I think you're right. I don't even know what to do from now. I am a mature student and due to return to my studies following mat leave, in July. I don't think I'd be able to financially support myself and DD alone. I don't really feel like I can move back in with my mum - we don't have the best relationship, and she has a dog that I wouldn't be comfortable being arohnd DD daily.
What do people do in these situations?! I actually have no idea!

Talk to your college about what support there's available, as a first stop.

You've got a choice. Either decide on a timeframe you need to see positive changes in or leave now? Only you can make that Choice.
But don't just stay with someone because of your finances. Id imagine You'd be intitled to some help in your situation as a single parent.
I hope you decide what's best for you.

It might be worth thinking about something health-related that may be going on. Men may be more likely to talk about “stress” rather than depression, for example, and it does sound like he is struggling in some areas.
Of course, I may be well off base and even if he is struggling with low mood, there is still the issue of how much of the household things fall on you. Best of luck trying to figure things out.

I’m in a really similar position to you but currently 38 weeks pregnant with first baby. Our partners could be the same person, but add alcohol and money issues on top for mine. I am not sure what to do either. I’ve felt so stressed by all of this so far, bearing the brunt of his habits whilst being the main contributor and generally the only capable human present to prepare for this baby that I can’t help but wonder whether I should just leave now so that my baby isn’t born into this environment... but the alternative, doing it on my own, is scary too. I don’t believe weed smokers really see the problems it causes. My partner certainly doesn’t. It’s a very selfish drug.