The way DM speaks to me... sigh...

[Eastcoastmost]

Tricky one but I’m almost 40 and she still talks to as though I’m a child. It’s hard to explain but whenever we discuss anything, contentious or not, her starting position is always, ‘Well, you don’t want to/need to/wouldn’t want to X, would you?’ - as though that’s the only view on the matter, her view. No discussion as to why I might think differently, no actual discussion really. Just her way or the highway.

I was thinking after a recent conversation, where she was very dismissive about me going for a new job (I’ve been a SAHM for a few years), that she wouldn’t speak like this to anyone else! Maybe it’s familiarity that causes it? But if your DD had her first interview in years, wouldn’t you be encouraging rather than dismissive? Congratulate and wish good luck, rather than saying, ‘Well, you wouldn’t want to work full time, would you?’ And ‘you can’t farm the DC out to playschemes all summer’. She’d never say that to DH or my DB!

Maybe it’s generational, maybe personality. But I’m finding it increasingly difficult to bite my tongue! Any dissent (ie someone thinking differently) is met with accusations of being stroppy or rude, and she’s hurt that her point of view isn’t accepted. Except that’s what she does to everyone else - ignores their views, despite evidence to the contrary! It’s infuriating!

No advice really but my Mother is exactly the same.
It is actually a standing joke with my sister and oh. When someone says they are doing something we say
“ you don’t want to be doing that”
in a silly voice.
It honestly keeps us sane and we just think try to let it go and just eye roll.
Don’t get me wrong I often get extremely angry and we have had a few slanging matches.

But she would do anything for me at the end of the day and loves us. So I ignore her misguided opinions.

Thanks Violet. At least I’m not the only one 😀

Its not just infuriating though is it?. Its upsetting to you as well. Her approach it could be argued is controlling and such behaviour is abusive in nature. This is about power and control. I would also think your mother has never apologised nor has accepted any real responsibility for her actions.

Is your brother more favoured even now; I picked up on the fact that she would not speak to him or her DH like that.

Its not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way and I would think she is the ways she is because of her personality. What if anything do you know about her childhood, chances are she was treated the same by one or both her parents as well so has simply repeated the same old with you. This is not a generational issue but familial dysfunction can and does go down the generations.

Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no you would not. Your mother is no different. I would look at reaffirming your too low boundaries and start making yourself less available to her in terms of both phone calls and visits.

My dad was the same. My wedding photos did not get many of us together without me eye-rolling. It was quite funny.