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Original poster

Fiancé has been sexting another woman throughout our relationship

26 replies

CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:12

Hi everyone. I am utterly heartbroken and have no idea what to do.

Bit of background: I am 21 (will be 22 in a few days, happy birthday to me Sad) and my fiancé is 23. We've been together for 18 months, engaged since December, and living together since March. I thought our relationship was perfect, and I love him dearly.

I sadly suffered a miscarriage six weeks ago which devastated both of us, but we emerged from it seemingly stronger than ever (at least I thought so).

Around four weeks ago (so around two weeks after my miscarriage) a woman, who my partner claimed was his cousin, sent me a screenshot on Facebook of what looked to be a sexually explicit message my partner had sent to her. However, she claimed that it looked like my partner's account was hacked and not to worry about it. Indeed, the writing didn't seem to be like his usual style and he also claimed that his account was hacked. Not having any reason to disbelieve him, I (perhaps naively) bought their story. He also proceeded to delete his Facebook account, so that gave me even more reason to believe him. He also gave me his phone to look at, and there was nothing suspicious on it.

Fast forward to today, and this same woman has messaged me to confess that his account wasn't actually hacked, they aren't actually cousins but exes, and that he has been sending her explicit messages and pictures for the whole of our relationship. She claims that she felt guilty after I had a miscarriage and didn't want to lie to me anymore. They haven't done anything physically and she hasn't sexted him back (she is in a new relationship).

She also says that he hasn't messaged her since he deleted his Facebook account and is genuinely sorry. I've sent him an angry text message (he's currently at work) demanding the truth and he's admitted to sexting her once, but denied it was going on throughout the relationship. He's begging me to forgive him and says he loves me, but I honestly don't know where to go from here.

Even his ex is saying he made a mistake, genuinely loves me, and should be given another chance, but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship or him when he says it only happened once.

This is my first serious relationship. I love him so much but am utterly heartbroken. Sad

Sorry if this is rambling and doesn't make much sense, but I am so shocked and sad.

OP posts:
magoria · 23/05/2018 16:24

That's an 18 month mistake.

He lied from the start that she was family not an ex. That wasn't a mistake. That was a deliberate choice he made and some hint did that so he could continue contacting her for your whole relationship.

He lied from the start. When things were fresh and fun. It isn't going to get better with normal settled life.

magoria · 23/05/2018 16:24

*something not some hint

Adora10 · 23/05/2018 16:27

He is a liar and a cheat, you surely don't believe what he says; yes he has been having a bit on the side with her throughout your relationship, even online, it's still cheating!

Get rid, he won't change, he'll just hide it better, utter dirty creep.

If you believe that happened once you are in complete denial.

Make him suffer, they have both been making a fool out of you, him more so; do not see him until you have spent some time thinking about whether you want to still be engaged to a man that can do this.

LP17 · 23/05/2018 16:32

@OP - firstly I'm very sorry about your MC. Secondly, I'm very sorry that your fiance is such a scrote. He has lied to you from the get go and you wouldn't have known otherwise but for his exes conscience. You deserve better.

TashieWoo · 23/05/2018 16:33

Sorry that this has happened to you Flowers

I think you need some time away from him, don’t just forgive him regardless of what he says. He has made a massive mistake and only you can decide whether you can move on from this.

You are so young and have a whole adult life ahead of you, you don’t want to spend that with someone who you won’t be able to trust.

Can he stay elsewhere for a few days?

DownTownAbbey · 23/05/2018 16:34

You should buy his ex a bottle of wine and give her a huge thank you. If she hadn't had the balls to tell you you might have wasted years on this creep.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/05/2018 16:38

He should not be your fiancé any longer; he is not and is no longer worthy of you. He can say what he likes; the trust has now gone and if there is no trust there is no relationship.

You certainly should not marry him now and you should no longer be together. She decided to tell you the truth about the nature of their relationship. You would not have known had this woman not decided to come clean herself.

CocoaGin · 23/05/2018 16:43

Once he's lied and you've forgiven him, he has the green light to behave that way forever.

Aren't you worth better?

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 16:44

No no no.
You see it on here all the time.
They never change.
They get chance after chance with no consequences to their actions and they just keep doing it.
And it eventually escalates to an affair.
Don't do this to yourself so young.
Get him gone.
Enjoy your youth.
Go out with friends.
Be young!!!!!!

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/05/2018 16:45

Urgh. He's a pig. Chuck. Him. Out.

Why would you even want to continue with this lying, cheating, bastard?

This isn't love. If he genuinely loved you, he would have done any of this.

Sorry OP, but if you forgive him, it just gives him permission to do it again and get away with it.

You need to be strong here. I know it hurts and I know you're young, but you are worth so much more of this.

xLeanne128 · 23/05/2018 16:47

I am so sorry @cobaltrose. Recognise you from the ttc board. What an awful situation to be in. If i was you i wouldn't be able to forgive him or move on with him as I'd never be able to trust him again, can't believe he let you try for a baby whilst doing that to you it's awful. I really hope you are ok take care of yourself xx

TuTru · 23/05/2018 16:52

I’m sorry for what you must be going through xx

Original poster
CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 16:52

Yes, that's another thing. We've been TTC since my miscarriage Sad I hope and pray I'm not pregnant.

I think I've made my decision. His bag is packed and when he gets in from work he'll be going to his mum's. And she'll know what a disgusting little cheat she's raised. She'll be furious at him because she adores me, and I her.

OP posts:
Cambam2010 · 23/05/2018 16:54

OP - I have been here. I am a lot older than you and had been in my relationship for 4 years. My 'DP' went on holiday with his sons whilst I stayed at home with my son. Whilst he was away and for the 4 weeks after he was sexting a women that he had contacted through POF. He was sending her messages whilst sitting next to me on the sofa, of him in our bath. He sent pictures / videos of him wanking on holiday. I know this because I have been sent these (at my request) from the woman. I found out when I saw email hotel bookings for their plans to meet up. It all came out. He says it was nothing, that he was just bored, it meant nothing, he loves me yada yada.

I got hold of the womans number and Whatsapped her. We had a great conversation. She'd previously been duped and was fully supportive of me and talking to her really helped me. They never met up in person.

The point I want to make here is that your relationship has now changed. You will forever replay this in your mind. You will forever wonder what happened. You will never fully trust him again. You will forever check his phone and emails. Everytime his phone pings you will wonder who is messaging him. Everytime he tilts his screen away from you you will wonder what he is hiding.

I feel for you I really do as you are young and have been through a great deal but get out whilst you can. Whilst you are young and have no ties (I'm sorry about the MC).

Big understanding hugs to you xx

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/05/2018 17:02

Yes, as others have said, he has spoiled your first flush, the supposedly most loved up, rose tinted glasses period. That will always be how you started.

If you can live with that as your forever, then you could try again, but you are most certainly young enough to tell him to fuck off and then find someone who can focus on you and you only!

At 21... meh call him a practise run and look forward to better... have fun in the mean time Smile

Repealthe8th · 23/05/2018 17:06

Ah just get rid. Life is too short to waste on wankers like him. There is someone who will give you the respect you deserve waiting for you.

Dadaist · 23/05/2018 17:25

I really think you’ve been moving far too fast - an 18 month relationship- engaged after a year, and TTC after living together for eight weeks. You are still so young. I’m very sorry this awful experience has happened - but it seems clear to me that the OW has no reason to lie to you and your DF has not been truthful. Try and count your blessings- and think about the maturity you will need and the maturity required of a partner before having a child.

Adora10 · 23/05/2018 17:32

but I don't know wether to believe her when she says it was happening throughout the relationship

Believe her, she is telling you the truth, probably because she has realised before you what an utter creep he actually is.

mindutopia · 23/05/2018 17:33

I think you’re making the right decision. I also had a ‘fiancé’ when I was your age who did pretty much the same thing to me. Though the woman in question was a mutual friend (not that it matters). I was devastated, but looking back so grateful I found out the sort of person he was before I foolishly married him! He ran off and married an ex (who turned out he also cheated on me with) about 5 months after we broke up...and then proceeded to cheat on her for years after while she went through all sorts of fertility treatment. So sorry about your mc but sounds like a lucky break for you in the end. Fast forward about 7 years and I met my husband and nearly 20 years on, I couldn’t be happier or more grateful I didn’t end up with that arsehole. The right person for you is out there, but definitely not this fool.

SuperSuperSuper · 23/05/2018 17:42

You're 22 with no children together. You're in a comfortable position to ditch him, it's a no brainier.

What did he think would happen at the wedding when the "cousin" failed to show up with one of his aunts/uncles. Weird. Anyway, don't worry about it and don't look back.

Original poster
CobaltRose · 23/05/2018 18:39

Thank you everyone. He has now left for his mum's. He cried and begged and swore up and down it was only once and a mistake. He said he'll never do it again. All the usual lines. I'm utterly heartbroken but I know in the long run I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Rednailsandnaeknickers · 23/05/2018 19:07

They always lie and deny OP. Or claim the minimum they can get away with (that they think you know about). There's even a Cheaters Script, it's such a pattern.
Well done. You may be miserable for a while, but your self respect, dignity and long term mental well-being are much safer now.
I'm so sorry about your MC.
You will find someone a million times better.

dirtybadger · 23/05/2018 19:31

Well done for being strong.

It is really refreshing to see someone do the obvious right thing straight away. No shade to those who dont feel strong enough, but its so frustrating to see good women wasted on losers.

Onwards and upwards!! You can do so much betteer.

Gloryificus · 23/05/2018 19:52

They always cry that they'll never do it again but the thing is they shouldn't have been doing it in the 1st place. If he wanted to sext other people then he should have spilt with you first.
He's obviously not mature enough for a real life mature parenting relationship!

CaptainCabinets · 23/05/2018 23:06

Oh OP ❤️

Well done for kicking him out, you might be young but you’re tough. Onwards and upwards my lovely, don’t give him a second thought! Flowers