Husband never says anything nice

[Zintox]

Sorry it's a crap title not sure how to sum it up.

Been married ten years and at first he was complimentary and people would say how obvious it was that he loved me.

But since we had our first child nine years ago he has changed.

He never says anything nice to me. Never says I look nice or he loves me.

I've had so many chats with him over the years about how I don't feel loved and need some affection. He never hugs or touches me and never uses my name.

He says he loves me but nothing changes.

Recently I got reading glasses. He knew I felt bad about having to have them and I don't like how I look in glasses. I found a pair I thought looked nice but when I showed him he grunted and wandered off (he often does this).

When he came back I said I was hurt by his response and had wanted some support and encouragement and he said "well what do you want me to say? I can't say you look beautiful because I prefer you without glasses".

I'm so hurt and fed up. We have only had sex to conceive our second and I don't want to be in a loveless sexless marriage but I don't want us to split up.

I want the original him back but is that even possible? I have suggested counselling but he just grunts. It's impossible to have a satisfactory conversation with him about this.

Help?

I don't want to be in a loveless sexless marriage but I don't want us to split up
Well, unfortunately, those are your choices.
Stay and put up with this for the rest of your life.
Or.... escape this torture and live a happy life away from this miserable man-child.
I know which one I'd choose.

Do you have family or friends close by you could go to?
RL help and support would be really good for you if you have those sort of people around you???

What would separation look like?
Maybe get some info together on this.
Do you work?
Does he work?
What would finances look like on your own?
Just get as much info as you can.
Have a chat with CAB.
Look on line at what you are entitled to.
And how much maintenance he would need to pay you.

You have one shot at this life.
This is NOT a rehearsal.
Life can be cut short at any time.
Don't live it being miserable! PLEASE!!!!!

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this still for you?.

The version of him that you fell in love with was a mirage and designed to draw you in. You were really targeted by him. Abusive men often show their true colours in pregnancy or after the birth of their first child.

Joint counselling would be a non starter here anyway (no decent counsellor would ever want to see the two of you in the same room) and I am not surprised at his response. Counselling for your own self would be helpful to properly gather your thoughts together.

Why did you write this as well:-
" I don't want to be in a loveless sexless marriage but I don't want us to split up".

Was it pride, fear of the unknown, fear of him that made you write that comment?. You wrote it for a reason after all. You cannot rescue or save someone like your H and doing so will simply drag you down with him. You can only help your own self here.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. This is a crap model of a relationship to be showing them. Would you want this for them, no you would not. Its not good enough for you either and the only acceptable level of abuse within a relationship is NONE.

I don't think he's abusive. His parents don't show affection either and I think it's the model he understands but I've told him I want it to be different.
I don't really want to split up as he's a hands on dad and we get on. It's just we've lost our way a bit.

We had lots of miscarriages and things have been really tough.

But now I feel we've withdrawn from each other and I don't know how to get back. I don't know how to get him to see that it's serious.

He doesn't seem to care that we live as flatmates but I do. And yes I have told him this.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents. He was indeed taught a rubbish role model and has learnt from that. That was and remains his normal. He won't change readily if at all and certainly not for you or because you ask or want him to. This is who he is.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

You cannot fix this on your own, he has to want to do his part as well and he is seemingly uninterested. He gets what he wants out of this and does not care about you.

Do you want to continue living like this, you do not even seem to be flatmates. He refuses counselling. I can sort of see what he gets out of this but you, why is your relationship bar so very low here?. You want your children to see this as their norm too?.

Women in poor relationships often write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing positive to write about their man. You have written NOTHING positive about him yourself.

He won't change, only you can change how you react to him. What you have tried to date has not worked. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

This sounds tough OP. You've been through a lot together and the years your children are young and so dependent on you are so hard. Finding time for each other can be almost impossible and then it becomes normal and you sort of exist together. I know this feeling.

If he's anything like my DH, I believe he does still love you and that life has just put barriers in your way.
Do you get any child free time where you can go for a walk together or do something you used to do before children came along? Just something to spark that connection initially and build from there.
For us, it was a little day ski trip to a dry slope that reminded us how we used to have fun together and we've worked from there. We both still have to work hard at being us and not just parents/friends but we're getting there.

We never have any time together. We are not near family and can't afford babysitting.
The kids have special needs and are hard work so we are permanently exhausted.
I want my marriage to be good but it takes two.
Splitting up is hellishly scary and it's not what I want. I want the man he was when we first got married.

The Man U married doesn’t exist anymore. I’m not the same person I was when I got married but I’m still kind and loving.
He won’t change back into what he was u just need to decide if this is how u want the rest of your life to look .

I’ve told my dh recently that the way we were wasn’t working for me and he is now making a big effort to be more affectionate etc. I think you can get into a habit of not bothering.