Struggling after a MC

[strugglingafterloss]

Hi, I've NC for this as it's quite identifying to those who know me.

I'm really struggling with my relationship after a mmc. We had always planned to have two children with a small age gap and I was delighted to fall pregnant when DS was 6 months old (planned, first month off the pill). Unfortunately at our 12 week scan we had bad news and I'd had a mmc.

My husband is generally great but for some reason is just useless when I'm pregnant. I think he gets weirdly resentful of the fact I'm largely out of action in the first trimester. I had awful morning sickness both times and he had to do a lot more with DS this time. I also asked him to cook dinner a few times and he was a bit huffy about this (I normally do the cooking, he does most of the cleaning). He was very excited for the second baby though and was gutted at the scan.

Anyway, I had a mmc then had the surgery to remove the pregnancy a month ago now. He has now decided he doesn't want to try again or even discuss it. Apparently he does want a second child but is not ready to discuss it. I can't bring myself to have sex with him as I'm just so upset about it all and want to try again but just get closed down every time I try to talk abut it. I dread the moment where he will pull out as I know I'll get horribly upset and I just can't face it.

He sees my reluctance to have sex and general lack of closeness with him as an indicator that our relationship has fallen apart and that we need to "work on us" before even considering a second child. I feel so distant from him because Im really feeling the loss still and just want to try again. I feel very distant that we're evidently on very different paths about it all.

I barely bring any of this up with him anymore but it usually comes to a head when he asks for sex or asks why I'm distant. I really don't know what to do. I'm grieving for the family I thought I'd have (close age gap) and the pregnancy I lost. I also feel so resentful of him that he just wants to plan exciting things for the two of us whereby I can barely stand to be in the same room as him just now.

For context, we're both only 30 and DS is 10 months.

Sorry for your loss.

I think if he wants to have sex, he should be prepared to use a condom not pull out, because a. you find it upsetting and b. it's not reliable, and after all this you need not to have those kind of doubts and mixed messages.

It might be worth going to relationship counselling to discuss how you both move forward.

Tbh I think it's quite cruel/selfish to want to use withdrawal knowing you want another baby.

What you're both going through is normal, so you need to be kind to each other. It is normal for him to want some time out to give him a chance to go through the stage of grievance and recovering from the fatigue of the first 12 weeks before starting again. He needs to feel close to you so that he knows you are in it together no matter what, not that he is only good to make a baby and look after you and your son when you are pregnant.

From your perspective you are desperate to be pregnant again as this would be taking you back to your normality and make you feel you again and that you are moving towards the family you so want with your DH.

Although what you feel is normal, what your OH wants is healthier. All he is asking for is a bit of time, and putting your desperation apart, a few months in the scale of your family life is not a lot. Saying that, it is very hard to do with your heart is totally broken.

You do need to talk and come to a compromise. He needs to give you a timescale by which you are intimate to get close together but when you know you'll be able to resume trying to be pregnant again. Then you can let go and be yourself again, both as a wife, and then as a mother.

I think relationship counselling could do you both some good - you are obviously grieving, and it sounds like he is too. It can be so difficult to communicate with those you love about grief.

Thank you so much for your replies. I think relationship counselling is a great idea, I suppose since things were great just 3 months ago I hadn't even considered that we might need that but actually we're such poles apart at the moment that sounds a good plan.

Thank you also for suggestion of condoms, that might be a better plan. At least then there's not a 'moment' I'm dreading so to speak, the issue is addressed upfront.