So where am I going wrong?

[OhGrrr]

I'm mid 40s. I had a 15 year long sexless relationship/marriage that ended a few years ago. Aside from a couple of short things here and there (that I've ended) I've been single ever since. I've never had a relationship where we were really 'together'. I don't know where I'm going wrong!

No one is interested and never really has been and I don't know why. Since my marriage ended, the only men who've shown any 'real', sustained interest have been married/unavailable - I don't encourage them. I don't remember the last time a single man showed any interest in me

I suppose I just can't see where I'm going wrong.

I've been a size 10, I'm now a 14/16. I think I've got a reasonable figure. I do have a bit of a tum and wobbly thighs at the moment. My bum is always curvy. I'm not particularly body confident, but I don't shy away from things either. I'm average looking but make the best of myself. I don't wear much make up but often get told I'm lucky because I don't 'need' it. My hair is ok. Yes, I could tone up and lose a stone+ but, I know from experience, that isn't the problem. People often assume I'm younger than I am. So I guess I don't know what I can do physically/appearance wise.

I'm an educated professional; I play a few musical instruments and I've recently joined a new band and will be gigging shortly; I swim and do yoga; I used to do swing dancing, but that's dropped off over the last year or so; I'm probably slightly 'alternative' - still wear DMs and long floaty hippy skirts, Birkenstocks and make my own jewellery. I'm open to new experiences and like to take on small personal challenges. So I don't think I'm 'boring'.

Recent 'compliments'/comments/observations made by others, men and women are that I'm: lovely; kind; warm; easy to talk to; funny; don't take myself too seriously; pretty; sexy; cute ; patient; romantic; loving. I've been told more than once that I'm the "right balance of sweet and sexy". I've been told I'm a good listener and that my advice is good. So I don't feel I have any major character/personality flaws that are putting men off.

Just no one ever seems to find me attractive/fall in love/ fancy me/ask me out.

I know that people post on here and other people can see what is wrong or offer explanations. I just suppose I wonder if anyone can shed any light on it.

I'm quite content being single: I do things on my own and am fine doing so, but I would like to meet someone. But clearly there is someting about me that puts men off and it's never really been any different.

I've tried to focus on the positives here. I'm quite happy to provide a list of my negative qualities! But I don't think it's helpful to focus on the negatives really. No one is perfect...

I am pretty much in the same boat, not talented musically and don't do flowy skirts but I dress well, including DMS, not bad looking, I can have a room full of people in stitches. I have loads of friends but not that special one.
It'll happen when it happens I guess.
I probably appear very self assured and possibly intimidate men. I also smoke rollies. I am quite feminine though believe it or not. I shall carry on being me no matter what.

Posted a similar thing recently.. I'm in a similar position.. even lost over 4 stone so I felt I could compete in the 'singles market' ... in 7 years single I've probably had under 10 dates ..
Not much opportunity to meet men in real life so kind of rely on OLD.. plenty of likes, winks etc but not many I like back... maybe I'm fussy, or they lose interest because I want to chat & get to know them not just arrange a meeting after a couple of messages

It's just so sad.

I won't do online dating. I have but it feels too unnatural. I feel like it is one giant 'pick me' dance and doesn't attract people who are genuine/looking for relationships. The couple of short things I've had since I separated from my husband were men I met through online dating where I made the initial contact and I suggested the date and I ended up finishing them because they weren't right.

The sad thing is I do meet men in real life. I have a few hobbies and have had more over the years that just didn't 'stick' - I've met a variety of men through those - some older than me and some younger; some with similar educational/socio-economic backgrounds and some not; some with similar interests/outlooks some different... So I'm meeting a number of different men.

But most of them are married/in relationships.

The single ones I meet just aren't interested in me.

In fact, if I'm honest, it's beginning to feel like men see me as being good enough for an affair/bit on the side but not for a relationship. I don't think I give off "I think so little of myself I'd consider being your affair partner" vibes but I must be doing something for so many married men to pursue me but not one single man!

In the past 6 years, I think I've been seriously pursued by 7 married men. And I'm not counting drunk strangers who hit on you in that number, I mean friends, colleagues, men I've met through hobbies. Men I know well who, if they were single, would be seen as being genuinely interested, good catches and well matched.

I've had 2 married/attached men in the past 2 weeks profess feelings for me - one is a bit of an 'old faithful' in that respect and I just brush it off but the other took me completely by surprise. Unfortunately, it really hurt because I like him a lot and had put him out of my head in that respect when I realised he had a girlfriend shortly after we first met. Actually, he hasn't tried to pursue me for an affair. He hasn't flirted, no inappropriate messages etc. He just told me.

He'd be perfect for me (if he were single) so it just kind of reminds me of what I don't have. And hurts because I'd squashed it and it's brought it all back. He has no idea I like him too I don't think.

I suppose what makes me sad is that this heavy hearted feeling is so familiar to me. I'm used to not being wanted; I'm used to going to places on my own and doing things on my own and laughing off the comments. I'm used to hearing "but you're so lovely!"

I was talking to a woman in her 20s the other day and she was talking about her partner and their upcoming plans to move in together etc. And she said to me "when you know, you just know, don't you?" and all I could say was smile and say "so I hear" because I have no idea

Please don't discount OLD .. I met my partner on Match and we are very happy 2 and a half years on ... my sister met her partner on Guardian Soulmates .. if you don't meet the love of your life you still make friends and have some fun evenings out .. you do have to kiss a few frogs in the process!!! Give it a whirl OP !!! ..

In a similar situation, slightly younger.
I know this sounds controversial but did you say to your friend I like you back too, but I’m never going to cross a line and be with someone who is attached? Or did you just dismiss it?

Lots of people stay in relationships that are just ok for no proper reason. And I know the lovely world of MN would like to think everyone walks away from a relationship the second they start to have tiny doubts, but rl doesn’t really work like that.

I mean, perhaps he doesn’t want to be with his girlfriend anymore?

I could have written your post except I'm mid thirties and not musically talented.

I have OLD but still hit a wall. 'Happy' single most of the time but I do miss the company and intimacy of a relationship. After 9 years on my own I think I scare people with my independence which contributes to a lack of interest.

Man here, been single 8 years, haven't had a date in 7. Everyone wonders why, but then I remind them I'm childfree and don't want children or to be a stepparent which limits my dating pool enormously. The loneliness still hurts though.

Then I have a female friend who is attractive, intelligent, varied interests, always out. She's been single for over 10 years and is now 41. I know it gets to her. Aside from three very short lived things (under 3 months) and a handful of first dates, nothing. Sadly, all three of the short lived things were with tossers, one being married. She won't go back to online dating.

I have another female friend who has been single 6 years. Again, it gets to her in private but you'd never know in public. Another who won't go back to online dating after a guy turned stalker on her.

It's not just you, OP. Safety in numbers at least, knowing there's lots of us in the same boat, however it might appear at first glance that everyone else is coupled.

Alicatz66 I didn't have good experiences. Either no one worth replying to contacted me; no one I was interested in responded to me; first dates gave me some entertaining stories for the pub. I met one man who seemed viable, he seemed worth having for a few months, but then he revealed he wanted someone younger and was struggling a bit with the fact I was 40 (he was older).

Nowadays, online dating just smacks of desperation to me. It clearly worked out for you and your sister but it's not something I want to return to, if I'm perfectly honest.

eightfaces I didn't tell him I liked him. They've been together a couple of years. They live together. They have that whole lives entwined thing where his friends like her, she is lovely... I have seen him out since and he introduced me to some friends of his I've not met before and said some really nice things about me in his introduction. We talked a fair bit, which we would have done anyway, but it wasn't really mentioned again. His friends don't know.

If he became single and asked me out, I'd say yes in a heartbeat. But I certainly wouldn't 'pursue' him whilst he wasn't.

looking see that's how I feel. 9 years scares me but I realise I'm getting closer to that. The few 'things' I've had have been more about companionship and sex than a 'relationship' and making plans for the future.

I did recently meet a lovely guy online we chatted on the phone got on like a house on fire.. (I'm quite reserved & don't let my guard down easily) we met & for both of us that elusive spark was there.. discussed how hard that is to find after a certain age.. spoke every night on the phone... had an equally amazing 2nd date. I'd even started to think this could go somewhere he said all the right things then the messages & calls became less frequent the answers a bit cold & shorter not as many compliments etc.. when I mentioned it he said I was a phsyco & overthinking it which put him off.. I was quite upset as I try not to let my guard down too quickly but he had manoeuvred me into it..

I still get the odd message from him asking if I'm seeing anyone or a random 'hey hot stuff' or more infuriating on Monday night 'oh babes that damn chemistry'!!!

Bloody hate mind games.. 😡

I'm 41, attractive but definitely not skinny more curvy. I dress girly. I get asked out frequently by guys my own age. You really have to get used to looking into men's eyes and smiling. Try and gaze for as long as possible into their eyes and smile, they will remember you at least! Try with every man you met let them drop the eye contact first, it's fun! If they don't and get annoyed (it's happened to me) just giggle and act girly, drives them mad, but by that stage oxytocin has been released into their bloodstream and they probably fancy you. You'll have fun at least!

@Neweternal
Sounds easy enough after a vodka or 2.... unfortunately I live in a little rural village where the only single men are 80 years plus widowers 🙈🤣

Nearest town doesn't have much better options either

Practice on the 80 year olds! Get confident at doing it!!! Then go out shops anywhere just do it! It's fun! Some guys get embarrassed but even that's funny! Learn to love your femininity and be free with it.

I don't met men through work. I am a flirt my friends and my son just 🙄 roll their eyes! Have fun with men not through casual sex but flirting

ShatnersWig I think if I could see how I was obviously narrowing my potential pool in such a significant way as you are, then I could perhaps understand it a bit more. I mean, it wouldn't lessen the loneliness at all but I could at least accept that my choices were impacting upon my success.

When I first did online dating, the only search parameters I set were my age (3 years younger - 8 years older); distance (within 25 miles from my home) and education (undergraduate degree upwards).

I don't want anyone massively older or younger than me, I'd like them to live close enough to me that it isn't going to take me upwards of an hour to see them and I want them to be intelligent, curious about the world, interesting, able to string a sentence together and good spelling/grammar.

I don't have requirements based on looks, height, income, status... those things don't interest me.

So I don't think I have an unrealistic set of criteria.

The thought of being single for more than 10 years really bothers me. But my dating pattern sounds similar to your friends. A couple of short lived 'things' of a few months with men who turned out to not be what I was looking for at all. I'd rather be single than make do. And, like your 6 years single friend, I come across as being quite confident, self assured and content with being single.

@dilly123 I'd block that man. That's just going to mess with your head. I've always blocked as soon as it's ended. Just far easier that way!

@Neweternal I'm 41, attractive but definitely not skinny more curvy. I dress girly. I get asked out frequently by guys my own age. You really have to get used to looking into men's eyes and smiling. Try and gaze for as long as possible into their eyes and smile, they will remember you at least! Try with every man you met let them drop the eye contact first, it's fun!...

The thing is, I completely agree with this. It's exactly what I did. After my marriage ended, I felt almost dead. I'd not felt attractive for so long. I really focused on self care - got my hair done; always maintained my nails; started wearing dresses... Your description of how you behave and what you do made me smile because it is exactly what I started doing and you are right, it really does work. To a degree...

Because, no one single or my own age asked me out. It really was just a bit of meaningless mutual flirting (good for the practice and the ego) or attention from married men.

If you look at the words other people use to describe me that I outlined in my op, lovely; kind; warm; easy to talk to; funny; don't take myself too seriously; pretty; sexy; cute; patient; romantic; loving. I've been told more than once that I'm the "right balance of sweet and sexy", you'll see that I do do the things you're suggesting. I'm not over the top but I'm far more 'feminine' than my friends - they've also commented on it. And I can see that some men like it.

I'm probably not feminine in the way you are. My friends describe it as feminine but with an edge. So I dress in black floral tea dresses with ballet flats or DM boots. That kind of thing. My hair is shoulder length and naturally auburn and wavy and sometimes I wear a flower in it. I prefer a 'natural' look make up wise and rarely wear coloured polish on my nails. My nose is pierced and I have a few ear piercings...

So your suggestion is really good but something I already do and so not something I can try

Well you sound lovely! I don’t have any suggestions other than carry on as you are.
I’m sure one day you’ll find someone. I feel it in my bones.

I don't think you are going "wrong" anywhere. As we get older the pool of single people gets smaller, and the proportion of rejects in them is higher. And then if you don't date online, your chances of meeting a potential partner becomes even less. Then you go out with a few bad ones and get disillusioned.

From seeing some long time single friends, this happens with them. It's hard to describe it, but they kind of get a bit hardened and probably give a vibe that they are actually happier being single than in a relationship unless it is perfect, dropping a potential match at the slightest transgression. For example a friend of mine dropped a nice guy because he cancelled their second date (even though he did want to reschedule), dropped another because he didn't text her after the date but she didn't either, dropped another because he didn't drink, dropped a fourth because after two dates there was no chemistry. She has become too cynical I think, expecting the worst from people so not giving them chances really.

Thanks, eight ! I hope your bones are right

Ana Perhaps I wouldn't feel like this if it had ever been any different. My relationship history has been disasterous! I haven't ever been in a successful, natural, mutually loving or respectful relationship.

Just makes me feel a bit sad that I might have missed the boat, I suppose.

As much as anything, I don't know how to have a mutually loving and respectful relationship. I'm not sure I'd know what one looks like or how to behave in one. So there's a bit of me now that I know dismisses men as "too good for me" and I don't even try to get to know them.

And, tbf, it probably doesn't take much for me to dismiss someone as "too good for me".

I know I sound really negative. I don't mean to.

Actually, I think the not feeling like I'm good enough is a pretty big thing.

I did feel like I was good enough to attract men initially but not enough to sustain a relationship but then I realised that the only men who were showing an interest were married and so had to stop thinking that too.

But I do think that when I was younger, I would also completely disregard someone I deemed as being good enough or capable of a meaningful relationship. If I feel they could do better than me, I wouldn't get involved. That's not to say that they asked me out and I rejected them, more that I would avoid eye contract, not engage and leave them alone/shut them down/not take them seriously in the first place.

Neweternal the last time I was asked out was about 12 months ago and he was 68 and I'm out socially/with hobbies 3 or 4 nights a week. So I'm actually a little envious that you get asked out by men your own age!

I'm interested please tell me more about yourself