Relationship with in-laws - help me accept them!

[MonsterKidz]

Hi there,

I would love some advice on my relationship with my in-laws. I really struggle with certain things they do that is like to get past but I can’t let go.

DH and I have been together 16years, married 7. Two DC.

From the very first time of meeting them I’ve known they didn’t think I was good enough. Comments made about DH precious GF, repeatedly called me her name etc. I tried so hard for the first few years and thought we had reached a mutual place of respect. We got engaged and started planning wedding. That’s when it all fell apart. 3 months after engagement we discovers we were pregnant. It was an accident but a very happy one, we were planning to try for kids straight after wedding anyway. MIL reacted really badly, said she couldn’t speak to me, was finding the whole thing unbearable as we weren’t married etc. We had a massive falling out/upset that was never resolved. I felt completely rejected.

After DC was born she was ok. She did get a little funny initially but then ok. Wedding planning was a nightmare, my parents were paying but nothing was good enough for her so he offered to contribute money but then wanted everything her way.

Over the years we have I would say tolerated each other. There have been times she’s been ok, other times she has been unpleasant. For example, last year while visiting them for a week she made a serious of nasty comments about me, really unnecessary stuff. The first 2 times I stated I didn’t appreciate it, the 3rd time I just really upset, crying etc. She then had a go at me for causing a scene and looking for attention and said it was my fault as I’d never felt good enough (her words). It was horribly unpleasant and no one came out feeling great. We agreed to put it behind us and start afresh, only a year on, I can’t.

I can’t forget the things she has said and done. I’ve never had an apology, always just made to feel ridiculous and emotional. She is the opposite, never gets emotional, never cries etc, except for the time when we told her we were expecting.

She is not actively involved in my children’s life. She buys them stuff, but doesn’t make time for them/play with them. She’s funny about us visiting hers as her house is very in child friendly. She gets funny about preparing for us to visit (we live abroad) like she wouldn’t get in baby food/wipes/nappies etc or even organise a High chair despite us traveling from abroad to visit. Money is not an issue.

How do I move on?? I tell myself that they are who they are, they are not my parents and I shouldn’t expect them to act the same.

We are due to visit them soon and I am dreading it.

Any advise appreciated??

Is your husband supporting you at all?

The key to the entire thing is being united with your partner. Do you feel like he has your back? Are you tackling the issue of his family's behaviour as a team, or do you feel like an outsider and he just doesn't get it?

You can't control how anyone else behaves so your in-laws are no exception. Expect to be upset and bolster yourself in advance with some stock phrases and retorts "mmm, that's an interesting point of view, I'll bear it in mind", "that was rather rude and uncalled for - did you mean it to sound that bad?" etc.

Don't expect them to buy in baby stuff for you - just get it when you arrive or order a big box of nappies and wipes to be delivered to their house.

It's hard, but distancing yourself emotionally as best as you can and having the lowest of expectations is a good start. If your DH is part of the problem then I really feel for you as that makes it much harder.

Why are you going? I wouldn’t!

Be thankful you live abroad.

Cancel this forthcoming visit to these people; nothing good with come of it and besides which as well your children see you as their mother being disrespected by their grandparents. Do not subject them to this sort of emotional manipulation just because they are family. Some family members are really not healthy and or safe to be at all around. Such people as well never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions.

It is not your fault they are like this, you did not make them this way.

You likely come from a nice and importantly emotionally healthy family, your DH has clearly not been as lucky.

What does he think of his mother's behaviours; is he the sort who really does cower in his mother's presence or otherwise reverts to child like mode?. Is he mired in fear, obligation and guilt too as you are? Does he have your interests at heart here? Where is he in all this, he is also playing a role here too.

Reading "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward may well help you as well further re the power and control dynamics that they are playing out here.

I'd cancel the visit. Let your H go by himself if he wants to see her. Just say you and the kids are taking a break from her. You don't have to say it's no contact forever, just a break until you feel ready to deal with her again (and if that is never, then that's fine).

If you're going to her country is there anyone else you want to see or are you just going for her? If there's other people can you stay elsewhere? If it's just her why put yourself and the kids through it?

It really does depend on whether he thinks her behaviour is acceptable and that you should just 'lie flatter' or if he thinks it is unacceptable and is prepared to support you. Does he 'not hear' the nasty things she says to you? Does he say anything if he does?

If he trots out the 'it's just how she is' line, then tell him 'I won't put up with it any longer. It's just how I am'. People always put pressure on the most reasonable person to bend because they know that the unreasonable person won't. Be less reasonable!

Do you facilitate your husband and children in having a relationhip with her? If so, stop. Right now. No cards, no presents, no texts, no telephone calls, no skype etc. Don't do any planning for the trip. I your H wants a relationship with her then it's up to him to sort it out. He doesn't get to use you as a shield.

Your children won't be missing out. OK they are missing out on a relationship with a loving grandmother, but they don't have that. That person doesn't exist. You can't make that happen by exposing them to someone who treats you badly. It is damaging for kids to see their parents disrespected. It confuses and hurts them.

Actually you're in an ideal situation living abroad. It's not like she can pop in whenever she likes. So just leave it all to your husband to deal with.

Oh and a word of warning. If your husband is not supportive, then expect him to use every emotionally manipulative tool he has to get you back in line. He's probaly very comfy with you in the firing line instead of him. If you step away, he gets all her crap.

Become a broken record, "She's your mother, you deal with her."

It will probably get worse, before it gets better. You can handle it. I agree with reading the Toxic inlaws book recommended above too.

Oh and another point that will come up. You're not stepping away because you are punishing MIL. It's not revenge. It's not silent treatment or sulking. It's not I'll show her. You're also not punishing the kids / taking it out on them etc.

This is about you protecting yourself and your kids. This person is horrible to you and the natural consequence is that after years of trying, you no longer want a relationship. Becuase of that, you have no desire to try and make it work anymore.

I wouldn’t go. You don’t need them in your life, your children don’t need them in their life. Seriously, you do not have to put up with their shit. You married her son, not her. You’ve tried your best but she’s not interested, let her go.

The only way to help you is to get your DH to support you if he is in agreement that his parents are unreasonable and that you shouldn't have to bend over backwards to make them behave/accept you.

You'll have to accept that these in-laws are most likely toxic and stop wasting time tying yourself in knots trying to please them.

Expect nothing from them in future create distance if you are visiting ie don't stay in their home/arrange days out. Infact don't be in any rush to remind or arrange anything on behalf of your dh. Hand over the reins of his difficult parents to him!
Let him visit them by himself you do your own thing visit own friends/family.

And most importantly be assertive do not let anyone tell you to put up with or roll over to shitty behaviour.