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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I overeacting

13 replies

Newydd1 · 22/05/2018 22:38

I have been with my partner over 20 years. He has a very high sex drive which has caused many arguments over the years. Anyway we had sex last night and in the morning he wanted it again he tried and got annoyed when i said no three times to his advances. Anyway I happened to knock the sheet off the bed and he had his phone in his hand flashlihjt on directed at my bottom. I feel really violated and cant face talking about it am i overreacting?

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/05/2018 22:48

Not sure about the sheet/phone/flashlight situation but any man who gets annoyed at you not wanting sex is an arsehole and should be avoided at all costs. You don’t owe him sex, regardless of when you last had it. It’s supposed to be something for you both to enjoy. It’s not a right or a responsibility.

LTB

beIindaBlinked · 22/05/2018 22:49

YANOR - that's an awful thing to happen - can you get his phone and delete the images!?

Newydd1 · 22/05/2018 23:03

He was not saving the images i dont think just looking using the light on the camera

OP posts:
AtrociousCircumstance · 22/05/2018 23:06

Gross, intrusive, entitled. Ugh. How he expects you to ever feel like having sex with him when he behaves in a pushy abusive way is astonishing.

Newydd1 · 22/05/2018 23:13

He is a really good husband and loves the kids so much but our sex life has become awkward and fustratinghe says i am cold and unloving. He is very tactile and wants to hug all the time. I am more prudish and he gets very fustrated as i only want sex a couple a times a month and he wants it every day maybee i have forced him to this due to his fustration.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/05/2018 23:31

maybee i have forced him to this due to his fustration.

No.

He’s an adult and should be able to deal with his frustrations in a way that doesn’t make you feel uncomfortable.

If my dp or I didn’t want sex we’d have a cuddle and either go straight to sleep or wait for the other to nod off and sort ourself out! Him getting arsey with you over sex is deeply unpleasant and there is absolutely nothing you could do (or not do) which would excuse him taking photos or leching at your naked bum with his phone.

Newydd1 · 22/05/2018 23:32

So what do i do?

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 22/05/2018 23:57

Tell him to stop being a sleaze, that if you don’t want sex he doesn’t get it. No sulking or moodiness, he graciously accepts that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do in bed.

If there’s anything he could be doing (more housework, more childcare, less going out boozing with mates, more compliments or affection etc.) that might make you feel more like sex then he needs to step up and pull his weight.

If he’s honestly the best he can be in all other respects, but you just have a lower sex drive, he needs to accept that and sort himself out.

Contrary to what some men try and make out, their balls don’t actually turn blue and fall off if they don’t get sex whenever they want it. And if they did, the same end result can be achieved with the use of his own hand without pestering you.

He needs to have a bit of respect and see you as an equal partner, not as a hole for him to stick it in.

If he can’t do that, leave him. His attitude is awful.

SoapOnARoap · 23/05/2018 06:54

After money, sex is the biggest reason for couples to split in the UK & you two seem so mismatched. I can’t see how this will end well.

His behaviour is abhorrent, there are no excuses

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2018 07:35

He's not a good husband at all
You have the right to say no to sex.

Changedname3456 · 23/05/2018 08:28

You absolutely have the right to say no to sex.

He has the right to end the marriage if the frequency is non-negotiable and the other positive aspects about the marriage aren’t enough for him.

If there’s nothing he can do which would help you to fancy sex more often then really he has to either accept it and back off, or leave.

Newydd1 · 24/05/2018 17:37

Thanks for your responses I doubt it will change even if I talk to him but I cant stick my head in the sand any more xx

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 24/05/2018 17:45

You can change the situation by considering if you want to stay with him op

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