What to say when your friend tells you they have terminal cancer?

[SpankMeitsTuesday]

What can you say to someone who tells you they have cancer that's terminal and they have less than a year to live? This was the position I found myself in today. I'd already heard about it and not knowing whether they were in hospital or not, I put a card through their door. Today, by accident, we met on public transport. I tried to remember everything I've ever heard about people with a terminal diagnosis and we talked in an open & frank way about their surgery etc. But when they said 'It's very aggressive and terminal' I just didn't know what to say? I stayed silent. I guess with hindsight, I could have said 'I'm so sorry' but the scene was noisy and it didn't feel appropriate in such an open/noisy/public place. I can't begin to imagine what it must be like to be facing a diagnosis like that.

I’m in the same boat with my friend who I have known for nearly 30 years. She’s very private and likes her space/independence so it’s really difficult to know what to say and do. I just keep texting her every now and then to check in on her and arrange to see her when I’m in her area/ she’s in mine. I generally ask her how she is/ how treatment is going but don’t too many questions and let her open up if she wants to. When she first told me the diagnosis- I was expecting it and had geared myself up not to cry (but cried the whole train journey home) but prob came across as a bit unemotional. I don’t think there’s much you can say really. I think the card will show you care.

Most people like to talk about selves, create a space to help her do that. Listening is something you can do.

Take your lead from them. Listen to what they say and respond in short affirmative sentences. Eg " I'm really sorry" " that sounds very hard to deal with". Give them space to talk about or not talk about it.
Make space for lots of short contacts, a text, a cup of tea, a walk.
When a friend of mine was dying, she appreciated being taken for walks in a forest and talking about anything that came into her head.

I think you can just say that you don’t know what to say.
Sometimes you don’t- often because there’s nothing you can say and acknowledging that is okay

My husband has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer, 12 months left. I would not worry about not knowing what to say. People don't know what to say to either of us. I normally counteract this now by saying "don't worry I know you don't know what to say, but the truth is there is nothing that anyone can say that will make it better" and there's not unless of course you have a miracle cure?!

I told my friend that I was so sorry to hear this and that at some point I’d probably say and do the wrong thing but that I was there if she wanted to talk, or wanted to talk about anything but the diagnosis.

When she did talk, I never once offered platitudes. She was worried about what was to come and her family and needed to know she was being taken seriously and talk that through properly.

i dont know - my sisters best friend has just been given 1.5 years left - she has brain cancer and she's 21. My sister has decided to push getting married early so her bf can see her get married. I wouldnt know what to say to her either.

But do say something, even if you fear you'll get it wrong.

Ime of very difficult times, it hurt when people didn't speak to me bcs they didn't know what to say.

"I'm so very sorry" goes down well! Then just listen and, even, chat. One of the things I found hard during difficult times is not being allowed to chat! Ie I'm supposed to stick to the sombre topic. OR I'm supposed to be jolly

Oh and don't tell your cancer stories, unless it really is relevant.

You'd be surprised how many reel out their cancer stories to someone with cancer.

I generally go for something like, “that’s a fucker”

Seems to be ok with people I know. Depends I suppose.

Oh, yes, and then message with stuff like lunch/coffee invitations, even if you think they won’t want to come. Sometimes a casual coffee and no doom chat is a relief.

When my DB got his diagnosis, he said he felt relieved that there was a reason why he felt so unwell, but people tended to either ignore him or regale him with stories of various friends of friends whose next-door neighbour's brother's cousin's wife's hairdresser's dog groomer had survived the exact same aggressive form of cancer.

I think a little bit of sympathy and a lot of ordinary chat goes a long way. When life is drawing to a close, it's bloody tough for everyone involved.

I had this last year with a dear friend. I actually did cry in front of her. I said I was sorry for crying. she was fine and said it showed her how much I cared.

I think just be really honest about your feelings and If you are stuck for words then be upfront and say so. I meet my friend quite a bit and a lot of the time we talk about anything but her treatment etc. But it is like the elephant in the room and it doesn't feel right not mentioning it at all. She will usually bring it up.

My sil died in April. From cancer. She told no one apart from her dh she had cancer. She didn't want it to define her, her life and relations with people.

You may find that your friend doesn't want to talk about it all the time either. It might be a relief for you to be the one who doesn't talk about it so much and brings sunshine and positivity to her instead.

Take cues. You sound like a loving sensitive friend.