OMG really need out but feel trapped

[changednamecosifeelstupid]

Sorry had to change my name cos I really couldn't post this and people know who it's from.

Just need people o tell me I am being stupid or that I should go.....sorry it's along one.

Been married for 6 years now and have three kids (two of them with my husband, was a single parent of one when I met him). Have felt like I have been "falling out of love" with him for the past few years but we have two children under two so thought it may just be the pressure of that. Lately have been feeling very guilty as when he isn't at home I feel like I should make more effort with him but as soon as he is here I can't stand being in the same room as him, don't want to be touched by him, can't stand being near him, shrug away any attempts of a cuddle. We have had a lot of pressuree over the past few years, bought a house that needed renovating and our builders ripped us off badly, we ended up having to do a lot of the work ourselves and this has left us skint. I had a miscarriage, got pregnant again soon after but had a miscarriage of one of the twins I was carrying. My gran died during this pregnancy after contracting a hosp aquired infection and I feel really bad about not having done more to stop this happening as I am a nurse and knew she was being treated poorly. My eldest is also on the autistic spectrum and needs full time support at school and lots of extrs curicular activites and appointments (which I always have to take him to as my husband will never get involved). I am not happy about my husbands parenting skills, he is happy to smack the lttle ones (I know it's everyones choice as to how they disapline their kids and this is not a thread about this) and this is not my style of parenting. My DD is 2 and a bit of a "handful" but a very loving and active girl. I am delighted with her as she is doing all the developmental things that my son never did but my husband is very short of patience with her. If she pulls the flowers of a plant in the garden she is dumped back in the huse sobbing her heart out as she wants to "help daddy in the garden". Anyway this morning he wanted to put her hair in bunches and she wouldbn't sit still so he yanked at her her and made her cry. I shouted at him not to ever treat a child like that again, he stormed off to work and no I know I have to go but am so scared. I left a very well paid job to look after the kids and have no idea how I am going to cope. I used to live on my owm with DS11 and was very happy but now with three kids and one with such special needs I don't know how I am going to afford to leave him, I feel so trapped, please help, I just feel so down. Sorry to babble on I just don't know who to turn to.

I think you need counselling, not out.

expat, do you think it's me that's the prob, not being sarky just need to know how others see it

Sorry you are feeling so sad.

Have you suggested any form of relationship counselling for the both os you? Sounds like you have both been through some rough times and they might have created this. Your DH's rough handling of his children may also be linked.

BTW, I don't think it is just you causing the problem at all. Think it is a whole relationship issue you both need to work through together, with support.

I think you might need both counselling and out, but definately counselling first - you have a lot to cope with and need to talk to someone objective (I'd recommend Relate). Re the discipline thing - is he losing his temper, or is smacking etc a conscious decision on his part? If the former, maybe anger management therapy?

We did go to relate a long time ago when things were a bit "iffy" but not like this, I find it really difficult to talk to people in RL, which is why I am on here posting not on the phone to my mates. DS!'s dad was both emotionally and physically abusive and it took me a long time to let people know why DS1 dosen't see his dad, feel really stupid that this relationshi is going down the pan and embarrased thyat I can't "hold down" a relationship

No, I don't htink it's just you.

I think you need support and some help because it sounds like you've got a LOT on your plate.

You both sound stressed and at the ends of your tethers.

think you've got too much to deal with to be thinking about leaving at the moment with 3 children

agree with expat. think you need counselling. think you need to work through everything you've written here, one by one, deal with it all, then think about whether or not you can save your relationship and what that would take

only after all that, would i even consier leaving

i don't think it's you that's the problem - it's just that you have a hell of a lot to deal with and may need a bit of help with that

(i think your dh's parenting style needs a bit of work too. self help books/counselling/whatever - he needs to adress his anger with the children. they're children fgs! my heart went out hearing your dd was 'dumped' back in the house when getting over-excited trying to help daddy in the garden )

i think councelling would be a good start.it sounds to me like your h is reacting badly to the stress and this is affecting the way you feel about him.

is smacking the kids etc out of character for him and due to him being under stress os is that just the type of person he is?cos if its the latter then i would say you and your dc are better off out of it,but if its the former then maybe you could both have some sort of councelling ?

you sound like you're at the end of your tether.have you been to your gp atall?alot has happened and you could probably do with talking to somebody.when you start to feel better in yourself you will have more idea of whether you want to work on your marriage or end it.

and dont think about how you would cope-if it came to it you would cope.

hulababy, that's the prob, I think he lashes out in anger when she won't do what he want's (which is normal for a two year ols as far as I am concerned), although in principle he does believe in smacking I don't see it as a punishment but more like he has lost control

Thanks everyone this has really helped, I don't feel low most of the time I just get on with everything happily, I love my kids so much and am happy to be the one running rund after them, it's just that after this mornings episode I burst into tears and felt so down.

It sounds like not only have you gone off him, but you have lost all respect for him too, which breeds resentment in you...cue the disgust when he touches you.

I'd try counselling, if it doesn't work at least you tried. If he doesn't play the game at trying to get things back on track, maybe you would be better off alone..and you WOULD cope.

OK everyone, thank you for all your input, it's a resounding vote for councelling, does anyone have any good reccomendations of where? TBH when we went to relate last time we were skint and felt pressured to pay the "donation" even though we both made it clear that money issues were one of the reasons we were under stress and unhappy in our relationship. Also if anyone has been in this situation, what have you done with the kids when you went? Asking our parents could only really be a one off as I don't want them to know we are going

OMG forgot to change my name well I am feeling a bit better so I guess I can about that stupid mistake!

I think its not so much him as such, i think your angry at him and the way he is with the children. I think maybe everytime he makes one of the children cry through harsh punishment, you resent him more and more.