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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Loneliness killing me!

14 replies

Laurakmlc · 22/05/2018 15:58

I need to reach out to anyone thats willing to give their advice, i have zero friends (i actually mean zero) and theres only so much 'talking to your mum' you can do. So if anyone can give me abit of advice id be soooo greatful.

I want to keep this straight to the point and not too long. Basically met my partber a year ago online. Talked for afew months, ive been in abusive relationships so loved the slow pace of this, and was really drawn to his positive upbeat attitude and always made me laugh! I wasnt sure wether to get with him but i thought why not. I didnt realise at the time he wasnt allowed to work as he had money, i learned this later on in the relationship. I chose to stick by him, it was great, he bonded well with my 2 boys, respectful, positive, fun to be around. For once i was at peace and really happy. His family started to not send him money as much so i had to start helping him, but would give it back when he had money again so i didnt mind.

Fast foward, the relationship is basically dead. His positive attitude turns into moodiness when he doesnt get to have money. I fund every single thing in this house, he makes no effort to sort his situation out so that maybe at one stage he can start working. I cant even remember the last time he told me he loved me, or put his arm around me, or hold my hand outside etc. I literally feel disgusting. Hes very closed off and i struggle to feel comfortable about talking about these things, not because hes nasty as hes never raised his voice, but because he will just shut the conversation down very quickly rather than listening.

I am pregnant now also, 12 weeks and i worry about paying all the bills, buying all the baby stuff, buying things my kids need, funding him, whilst trying to have abit of time for me too. I have NO friends, and im not very close with my family. He does do bits and bobs around the house and we do get on..as friends..but i need something more than friends. I miss the start of the relationship. I hope this wasnt too long and i hope someone has some words of advice for me. I want to know ive tried everything before i just throw the towel in x

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 22/05/2018 16:01

He sounds dreadful, you poor thing.
Please get out now whilst you can Flowers

Afterthestorm · 22/05/2018 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FloweringSynchronicity · 22/05/2018 16:11

OP - please don't take offence, but why are you continuing with this pregnancy?

Original poster
Laurakmlc · 22/05/2018 16:11

I know he does sound dreadful, and maybe youre right, but like i said we do get on really well and he will do stuff for me if i ask, and hes never so much as even raised his voice to me. The worst thing is the sulks as they last for days. I wouldnt mind too much if i felt there was a deep connection there like there used to be, but when hes half way up the street, wont even walk next to me because im 'too slow' i just think what is the point?? But then he could say the same to me as i dont tell him i love him or go to kiss him. But in my defence when someone used to tell you 24/7 they loved you, always had their arm around you and then now they dont? It makes me feel like it must be me (maybe from my past relationships) so i think oh i wont bother as he doesnt want to. Id like to try and bring the subject up but i dont know how. Im very depressed and i do need to try and get to a counsellor as i really do have no one to talk to. But for now i wanted to try here. Thank you for your response x

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 22/05/2018 16:15

A number of issues here.

  1. Stop giving him money and if he lives with you revaluate that.He will not grow independence if you support him.
He maybe a lost cause however if he has always had someone bailing him out.How he is now is the real him.The nice guy act was bait. How old is he?
  1. No friends issue, you work and have dc so very tough to keep up friendships but that is no reason to hang onto this man.When you are in a bad relationship it drains you so that you present differently and that does impact what vibes you send out to others.
Friends come when you are comfortable with yourself and you make time for yourself. 3.Pregnancy: money will get resolved at sone stage especially if you take a long term view.Do you access all the benefits you can?
Adora10 · 22/05/2018 16:40

He sounds slightly abusive OP, and please stop funding his life, you have two sons to take care of; he's an adult and can make his own way in life. It's a year's relationship so if I was you I'd give it up; he's bringing absolutely nothing to the table; possibly just using you.

If you want to raise the baby yourself then do that but I think you need to get rid of him as he is a dead weight and sponging off you; it's been a year, you should both be loved up and in the honeymoon stage. You may find your mood will lift once you get rid; you also need to get yourself out and about to meet other people, why have you zero friends?

swingofthings · 22/05/2018 16:48

Something doesn't sound right. It makes no sense that he can't work because he has money, that it sounds he receives from family? Is he foreign and not allowed to work in this country?

I hope it's not a case of him looking for a vulnerable girl to get pregnant and then marry to gain a right to remain in the country. Did you discuss getting pregnant? How did it come about that you would have a child together after so little time together?

SingleDingle · 22/05/2018 16:56

*so loved the slow pace of this
*
You’ve moved him in with your kids and are 3 months pregnant. I fail to see the “slow nature Hmm

Get rid. It will NEVER get better than this.

Zebra31 · 22/05/2018 17:03

Op I am really sorry. This situation is very unhealthy. You need to get out.

I really don’t understand why he can’t find a job? Why was he not able to find a job when he was getting sent money? Who was sending him money? I am probably way off the mark but all the getting money sent and no job etc. sounds like something a con artist would pull.

Duchessgummybuns · 22/05/2018 17:45

He sounds like a total loser. Are you getting anything out of the relationship OP? I suspect whatever good times you have are somewhat dampened by the fear of when his next ridiculous sulk will be.

Think you’ve got yourself a cocklodger and you should probably LTB.

Gu33s3inpark · 23/05/2018 10:15

I am hopefully talking to you as a Mumsnet friend. If this man was any sort of 'nice' man if he was not working he should be doing all chores round your house, volunteering and doing some college course or further education. I don't believe that he is unable to work unless he is an illegal immigrant. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANYMORE MONEY. He is an adult he should be working. He is effectively stealing money from you and your children. I would suggest that you tell him that the relationship is over and ask him to leave your house. It is your decision if you want to keep the baby. To find friends do you invite children for play dates ? Go to local library and look for clubs to join. Join some local Facebook groups. If you date in the future, find someone who works and don't move them into your house so quickly.

Gu33s3inpark · 23/05/2018 11:33

I am sure that you are a great mum. If you feel lonely, do you have any hobbies ? Have you tried crafts, knitting, photography, growing plants and vegetables, pet. There are lots of Facebook groups where you can share photos, recipes etc

hellsbellsmelons · 23/05/2018 11:43

and hes never so much as even raised his voice to me
This is just standard and not exceptional treatment.
1st things 1st - do you want to continue with the pregnancy?
That is something you need to tackle if you don't.
You will be tied to this lazy, work-shy cocklodger for the rest of your life if you have a child with him.

Just because you have money does not mean you cannot work.
Why on earth would he say that?
There are billionaires out there who still work their arses off every day of the week!

Please value yourself more than this.
It's time to kick him out and let him stand on his own 2 feet!

Google - stonewalling abuse. This is what his 'sulking' is all about.

As you've been in abusive relationships before it would be very beneficial for you to contact Womens Aid and enrol to do their Freedom Programme.

Don't live a half life. It's just waaaaay too short for that shit!

mrsaxlerose · 23/05/2018 11:54

Why cant he work? his family give him money . Do they pay him NOT to work that's the bit that confuses me.

I was in a similar situation. I plucked up the courage and left. I wont lie it wasn't easy at the beginning but each day got easier.

The money situation will get sorted straight away as soon as you don't have a money leech attached to you.

If you keep the baby that will sort itself out as life finds a way and if you waited till you could afford a baby then you would never have one. if you decide to not keep the baby then that's only a decision you can make and that is no one else's business but yours

Friends: I again plucked up the courage and joined a class. I knew no one and went alone (I go to a lot of things alone. it was the theatre this weekend to see Wicked) and as long as you can talk to people you make friends really easily and you will be surprised how quickly you grow a friends network. also how many women are in your situation. Also children are a great lead into making friends with other mums

Hope you get it sorted . it does get better I promise x

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