Angry with friend

[mawi]

We have being friends for a few years, both of us have had some awful times and have really supported each other, have had a great laugh together and genuinely love each other but right now I am so angry with her that I don’t know if I want to remain friends with her.

She met a new man last year, I have known him for years and warned her off straight away but she didn’t take my advice. I didn’t like the situation but decided if he was making her happy I would give him a chance. So he beats her, cheats on her, uses her money, lies continuously etc. she dumped him a couple of month ago. And then he starts stalking her, including sitting outside my house for hours when she was here with her dc for the day, my dc were also here. Obviously we didn’t know he was out there at the time, he told her after.

So now she is back with him, and I am fuming. He is dangerous and she knows he is, he openly admits to cheating, she has photos of the bruises he has left her with on her phone and he is definitely unstable.

I have gave her so much advice, I have actually bought her books about picking these men and trying to build her confidence etc. I have begged and pleaded and listened and cried with her over this crap and I have had enough.

She does not live with him, they have no dc together, there are no joint finances etc so nothing to be untangled. She goes from one bad relationship to another and I am tired trying to get her to see sense.

I grew up an a very abusive home and I have had a lot of counselling and therapy to help me come to terms with my childhood. I know she needs help but I am unable to give it anymore. She refuses to go to counselling.

I feel horrible for feeling this way but right now I can’t even look at her.

Sorry that is so garbled and rushed. And long.

OP, she's an adult, she makes her own choices, makes her own decisions. She's not doing these things to anger or upset you; it's her business OP, whether you agree or not and tbh, you don't actually sound that great a mate yourself; all you say is let's not talk about him, you already know my views and just do exactly that, continue your friendship but don't discuss him any more.

Sounds to me like she will be running to you soon when she finally realises she's with an absolute shit man; it's just a matter of time.

I think you're reasonable to say that you can't stand by and watch while this all plays out again, especially when it's triggering for you and possibly unsafe for your children if he's hanging around your house. But make it clear you will be there for her when he is no longer part of the picture and you're only doing this because you feel out of options, for your own health and your children's safety.

I agree, stop talking about him. Make sure she knows you'll be there when you need her. Your friendship has nothing to do with her relationship. I understand you want to help, but you sound like you are trying to control her too, ram your opinion down her throat and then drop her when you don't like her life choices. She knows how you feel, people don't always want to be fixed, sometimes they just want someone to listen and understand. Be her friend, not her keeper. If you damage your friendship she may feel that she has no one to turn to when she really is looking to get out of the abusive relationship, that's when some women stay and end up seriously injured or worse. Stop trying to fix her life. Let her come to her own natural conclusions in her own time, don't pressurise her.

I had a friend very much like this, infarct best friends since school. It was utterly exhausting and I was sick of being her shoulder to cry on when she wouldn't take any advice on board. I had enough crap of my own to deal without her dramas too. I ended the friendship completely when she got back with her abusive ex, she was lying to me about their relationship because she knew I didn't approve but would then moan to me about how awful he was. I had to say to her I couldn't be part of the drama anymore, she can do what she likes but to keep me out of it and neither of us have really spoken since. The relief not having her problems on my shoulders is unbelievable

Do her children witness the beatings? Are they afraid of him?

I would focus on her children, they don't have a choice

Take a break from her. You need to step away knowing you don't have it in you for another go round. It sounds like you've supported her a lot over this. There's only so much you can do. I'm sure you know it can take many attempts to leave abusive relationships, with any luck she'll get there.

I'd try to leave the door open, rather than completely ditching her, but I think it's fair enough to say something to the effect that you can't be around the situation and you're there for her when she leaves or, as others have suggested, if it's a subject you don't talk about anymore (if that would work for you).

If things were that simple for people in abusive relationships then there wouldn’t be people in abusive relationships.

As hard as it is for people to understand, those in that situation don’t find it black and white.

Step back if you need to but make it plain that when she’s ready to see how disfunctional her relationship is and wants to take action you’ll be there to support her in that.

Detach for now so you dont keep getting angry... but let her know that you love her and will be there for her when she eventually decides to leave him. Thats all you can do sadly. Its so hard for women to get out of situations like this.. it can go round and round for ages. Just be there when she needs you but no YANBU to back off a bit to protect yourself. Dont engage in convo about him just keep saying 'you know what I think and Im here for you when you do leave him but I want nothing to do with him nor to talk about him whilst you are together'

I know how you feel OP. It's obviously a case of low self esteem and no self respect.

If you don't value yourself why would anybody else.

Sadly in my situation the abuser is my BIL ( DHs brother). His DP told me how he physically abuses her and he cheats on her. It makes me feel sick.

He has nothing to keep a woman with him...I'm just perplexed why she stays.

He's in poor health, not like he's rich either.

I spoke to her over the weekend, but I think she feels embarrassed about it. She confided in me a low moment and I think she regrets it now.

Like you I struggle and I've tried to understand why anyone would accept the abuse.

I've suggested she goes for therapy, but I don't think she will.

I would make a report to social services that her children are living in a household that is abusive.

Then step away and let her know that you will be there when she is ready to leave.
Once she has, she needs to get Womens Aid involved and do the Freedom programme.

Sadly, her children will repeat the cycle - sons will likely go on to abuse and daughters will go on to pick abusive partners. :(

Honestly, there is nothing you can do other than be there when she needs to escape again.
And she will.
I had to watch my sister do this and basically destroy herself.
But I couldn't make her leave, she had to realise it on her own.
Which she did eventually and I went and got her out of there when SHE was ready.
You can take a step back but please there for when she needs you.