I'm struggling and I'm not sure if it's my fault, or because my marriage isn't great. DH and I have two DCs, 3 and 6. He is ex military and has found the transition to civilian life hard. It's been far harder for him to find a job he wanted, and spent about two years looking/ doing unpaid things that didn't lead to anything. For the past year he has had a job, with a 90 minute commute.
I supported us financially, with a new baby and toddler, during a move, during job searches etc. It was hard. I'd also had miscarriages and family bereavements between my DC.
Our plan was to work three days each. I am a professional, and trained for years. Because DH took a full time job at a considerable distance from here, I have done most of the childcare, home, dog etc. I work two days a week and am studying for a higher qualification on the other three days. My studying is meant to be a full time course, but my DH's salary is not enough for us to live on. If I was able to work more, I would earn a lot more than him, but I feel stuck. He tells me I cannot earn what he does, but I could easily, I just cannot while I am a housewife and student and main childcarer. It is hard to save when my earnings go on childcare. He tells me he doesn't spend any money on himself and I believe him. I think he is continuing in his job out of stubbornness, and a sense of pride.
He was not entirely clear about his earnings and had planned to support us. He also told me the job allowed flexible working, but that was wishful thinking on his part. He asked for it and was turned down. Whenever I have worked, I have paid for childcare. Even when he was at home looking for work, he told me he was 'not the childcare' and I feel bitter and resentful.
When he was job searching, he had an emotional affair by email and Skype with a woman he had studied with. He went briefly to therapy afterwards, at my insistence, and also had a good going porn habit, that upset me. That has all stopped. Our sex life is non-existent. He refused to have sex when I was pregnant, and it has never really recovered. I don't know if I love him any more. Mostly I feel trapped in a miserable situation. Everything I am trying to do gets squeezed into tiny windows of opportunity. I am exhausted.
He is exhausted too, commuting and applying for other jobs. He has not been shortlisted for any jobs in three years. Last year the children's Summer holidays were really hard. I can't type any more of this, it just makes me cry. I wonder if I am depressed and this is my fault? When I try to talk, he says I am making dramas. When I say I want to split up and that I have had enough, he says he is not going anywhere and that I will hurt the children.
We live somewhere quite isolated, as he had a job plan that required him to live here, but that didn't work out. I love our home and the children have a lovely school and friends, but I am lonely. We rarely go out. All my joy has gone. There are so many things I would like to do with my life and I feel so trapped.