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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Anxiety re friends

14 replies

iamanoddball · 22/05/2018 11:14

I have name changed, i am too nervous about posting under my usual name in case anyone recognises me.

I have always been an anxious person, i grew up overseas in a very conservative family, i never fit in with people in school and was bullied alot. I was always the kid that was last to be picked for group games. I went to prom alone, sat alone, spent some recesses sat outsite the teachers room, reading.

I dont have many friends back home - maybe one or two i speak to sometimes, they have their family and i speak tothem when i go back home, other than that, not much contact. Because i moved here (to London) i had to start all over again with thhe whole friends thing and it isnt easy. My daughter goes to school and ive tried to get to know 1 or two mums, but they are all stay at home mums and i work, so cathing up for coffee/yoga/what have yous is hard. I do try though - i set up playdates, i try to do the school run once a week, i make an effort to speak to the mums there - but they are all so established in their friendship circles already.

Recently i met a lovely lady at a party (a while back) she was so lovely to me and our kids got on well, she was so keen to meet up after and she asked that we keep in touch - i thought great! We texted for a few days, just niceties etc, and then suddenly she just stopped. No idea why - i feel quite sad about it, even though i only spoke to her for a while, she seemed so keen and so lovely when she texted me. And while its so hard for me to actually believe she really wanted to keep in touch, i suppose she changed her mind. I feel im back in school. Even now, i can see my phone and i wonder - has she texted me back? Its horrible - i know.

I need to see someone for my anxiety and that will happen. Dont know what i wanted from this post - maybe just to write it all down. Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
Mommasoph30 · 22/05/2018 11:32

Have you messaged her since? Maybe she thought she was doing all the leg work? I would send her a little messaged asking for a play date and see what happends? X

iamanoddball · 22/05/2018 11:53

i have messaged her yes - will see if she replies, but i dont think she will. Hopefully! :)

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/05/2018 13:01

Maybe she couldn't believe that you would really want to meet up with her, either, and suddenly felt stupid for acting so needy, got all embarrassed and stopped writing. For instance. If she isn't on holiday, in hospital, suffering from a bout of depression, struggling with her marriage or any of the myriad of other things that might banish thoughts of a budding friendship from a person's mind.

notagain2018 · 22/05/2018 13:55

Try not to take it personally. Perhaps she has a very busy life and realised she might struggle to find the time.

iamanoddball · 22/05/2018 14:41

thank you - i will try not to take this personally, and yes, i agree - maybe she does have a very busy life and hasnt got room for another friend. I suppose when you are someone like me who has never really had friends - we see things differently and we're so desperate for friends that we may come across as needy.

OP posts:
ravenmum · 22/05/2018 14:54

She was the one acting needy, though! Maybe she has never had any friends. You're assuming that she is better than you in some way, stop doing that. I speak as someone who is totally crap at making friends and knows the symptoms :) Have you tried counselling? It may not change your personality, but it does help you recognise your own unhelpful patterns of thought.

littleneepo · 22/05/2018 15:12

I’ve got a friend who occasionally just disappears (sometimes for up to a month!) and then resurfaces and messages me, and we start meeting up with the kiddies again. Some people are just a bit forgetful, get distracted and it slips their mind! It’s not personal from her, she’s just that way and I’ve had to learn to accept it but not rely on her

iamanoddball · 22/05/2018 15:29

i thnk she made it clear she has a lot of friends. I am goign to try conselling thank you - and maybe hypnotherapy. I worry too much and am anxious about people just not liking me. I think im nervous becasue i did really like her and ive oonly know her a few weeks so i was keen to get to know her a little more.

OP posts:
Bakerbella · 22/05/2018 15:45

Hi, I’ve pm’ed you Smile

ravenmum · 22/05/2018 16:08

I have the same problem, constant background thoughts that people can't possibly like me. (Used to be foreground thoughts, so a huge improvement.) When I was on anxiety medication for another issue I discovered what it was like not to think that - it was great :) It also helped me understand that maybe my worries really are the problem, not my character, as I was fine when anxiety-free. Now the worries are still there but I can recognise them, and thus decide to ignore them to some extent.

ravenmum · 22/05/2018 16:10

Oh and I just tried out an app today that seemed like it could be a bit useful, called "Wysa". It seems to be based on spotting unhelpful thought patterns, and helps you work through them. Not the same as a proper counsellor obviously but every little helps.

tccat · 22/05/2018 16:53

Op there's a mumsnet spinoff group on Facebook called chuMNs for people in similar situation, it's lovely and friendly, come and join x

Lizzie48 · 22/05/2018 17:05

It's better not to get too invested in any one person, certainly not someone you've only met once. It so often happens that you meet someone at a party, have a really good chat and exchange telephone numbers, but then nothing happens. I've had that happen to me. The best way to make friends really is just to talk to people, persevere with getting to know them.

It took me quite a while to get to know some of the school mums. They all seemed to know each other at first. I have one very good friend at the school gate, she has DDs of a similar age to mine. Other than that, I'm fairly friendly with other mums, at least enough to chat to. It helps that my DD2 is very popular, and I chat with her friends' mums.

The best thing is not to try too hard. CBT can help you with your anxiety. I have had that and you do learn techniques to help you to deal with it.

PasstheStarmix · 24/05/2018 15:04

I agree with pp about getting too invested in somebody you don’t know very well. Did you hear back from the lady?

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