Relationship with my partner-so upsetting and not sure what to do

[TassleGirl]

So I'm 26 years old, moved to England when I was 20. I also have a sister who is now 31 and my parents. No other family really...

I don't really know where to start. Growing up my childhood wasn't perfect. Don't get me wrong it wasn't horrendous but we had loads of family issues. As long as I can remember my parents didn't have a good marriage. My dad was working long hours often left at 6 am and didn't get home till 10pm. I don't really have a relationship with my dad but it's okay... I am fine with him and trying our best to have some sort of a father-daughter relationship. My mum... gosh my mother is just hard work. She was never happy having us I don't think. I never remember her trurly behaving like a mum. I remember loads of tears from my childhood, loads of things that were blamed on us (me and my sister). We never really celebrated anything, I never had a birthday party, don't remember having a cake on most of my birthdays. I know it sounds childish but when I was little it mattered a lot. Christmas was always awful, any family gatherings. Always arguing tears, curling up in my bed and feeling little. I never had any friends... had some kids around my but never could build up my friendship. I didn't know how and I still don't know. And my mum never helped... she said it was my fault, she never really arranged any play dates or try to help me to be more social. At holidays I just remember staying at home with my sister, cleaning the house. We did all the house work, hoovering, polishing all the time that's all that was all my holidays. My sister hated me as my mum was using her as free childcare and she couldn't go with her friends. Or if she did she had to take me which was so wrong. A 10 yo with a bunch of 16 y olds -just not right! I remember discovering my body and masturbating as a little girl and my mum shouting at me, felt so guilty! Still feel! And she I think it made an impact on my sex life as well and at times I struggle to enjoy sex. It was just a mess and it still is.

I tried to escape from home as soon as it was possible. Got into boring school at the age of 15, and that's not my mother wanted. She wanted me to stay home and control me! She always made sure I was aware of how expensive schooling was or doing a language course or learning to drive. I was nothing, I was useless and she had to pay for all these things which she made sure I was aware of!

As I said i moved to England when I was 20. I had to! I don't know what would have happened if I didn't. My mum hated it. First year I had to talk to her 1 hour every evening. She never acknowledged the things I achieved here. It was always you left me, when you coming home, others have better kids than she has. About 3-4 years ago I got together with my boyfriend and she hated it and she made sure I know and my partner knew too! She behaved awfully with him of around him! She just hates that I have someone here. Couple of times she told me it's just not me and my boyfriend I should pay attention to but the rest of the family too! Which I did! I spoke to them 3-4-5 times a week, went home 3 times a year sent bday cards and all I wanted to be involved on their life and I wanted them to be involved in mine but it wasn't enough.

My sister moved to the USA about 3/4 years ago. She hasn't been home since, her relationship went completely downhill with my parents... like in a super nasty way. I haven't heard from her since xmas and she hasn't contacted my parents since February. I think she has mental issues and probably couldn't cope with the things we went through when we were kids. I know you might think other kids go through so much worse but mentally I would say we were damaged badly and the worst is we learned early how to cover it so no teachers at school picked up on it or anyone else.

Now it got to a stage when my mum send awful messages to me. They hurt. When I speak to her sometimes she says things like I never loved her, never help her, never helped her to improve in different areas of life and that I will be the last one to know if anything happens to her. I just really don't know what to do. I'm tired and it's something that is always on my chest. I need help to sort or get through this. What should I do ?

Your mum is a cunt.

Look for the thread on this board "But we took you to stately homes". It will help you immensely.

Your mum is toxic - she’s adding nothing positive to your life.

As hard as it sounds, you might be best to cut all contact with her as your sister has done.

Maybe get some counselling to help you process your childhood and concentrate on self-care to try and heal the wounds.

I’m so sorry your early life was so difficult - I hope your adult relationships show you how it feels to be loved. Sadly we have a tendency to pick people who mirror our past experiences so if you have any worries on that score then it might be best to be single for a while until you have filled yourself with enough love for two. Then you’re not relying on anyone else to fix you, they’re just a nice addition

I just cut her off? But she is my mum... and I wish I had her and my dad in my life! I know it sounds silly but for example wedding season is on. Even though it's 'not on the table' in my relationship right now but I was thinking about it what if I was to get married?! I wouldn't be able to enjoy it and wouldn't be able to be happy because it would be just pure drama.

There wouldn't be drama if they weren't there OP

They sound vile

Please read the book “Toxic Parents”, and go for counselling. You say you want your mother in your life, but actually you don’t. At least, you don’t want your actual mother. She is a selfish shit who is causing you serious emotional damage.
What you are longing for is an idealised version of a mother- someone who loves you, is proud of you and cares for you. Your mother will never be that person!

She is already being abusive to your partner, and if you’re not careful she will do her damnedest to split your relationship up. This woman will control and ruin the rest of your life if you don’t stop her.
Read the stately homes thread. You will recognise her toxic behaviour in so many other women’s mothers. Please learn from them. Assert your boundaries, develop your self esteem, and get the strength to challenge your mother’s behaviour.
From personal experience, I recommend you break off all contact with your mother. There’s a reason why your sister did this.
Good luck, OP. Keep posting if you want more support - all of MN is here to help you with this. God bless.

What the other posters have advised you in their entirety. You will
ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Presumably others have said such self serving crap like, "she is your mother". So what?. What has that got to do with anything?. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, no and your mother is no different. Your dad has also failed you here because he failed to protect you from the excesses of his wife's behaviours. He enables her still by sacrificing you and your sibling. He threw you both under the bus here to save his own neck; he is a weak enabling bystander of a man.

Your mother will never be the kind mother figure you so want.

It is not your fault your mother is the ways she is; you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that to her and likely treated her the same too. She has simply repeated what she knows. Break free of these toxic influences and reclaim your life. Get therapy as well, that will also help you no end. Deal with your own fear, obligation and guilt re these two properly. However, such people are like shoes so you need to find someone who fits in with your approach. Interview such people carefully and at length before further committing.

Thanks for all the comments. I checked the thread and I can definitely relate to it. I will check the book out too! I just wish it wasn't like this. I'm sure it's not 100% their fault but I don't know what else to do to work on it. My relationship definitely suffered from it and if my parents family would behave like this I don't know if I could put up with it. Bless him I think to a degree he is struggling with the situation too. I just hope I will do better with my own kids. So worried if I will be an awful parent.

Oh OP, I have a similar relationship with my Mum. Just go NC - you will feel so much better. I did that with my mum for a year but she got back in touch and I let her back in on my terms and when she starts I shut her out immediately. I feel a lot better for it. I'd love to be in another country from her. I hope you find the strength to do this, your mental health will improve dramatically.

What is NC?

Moving abroad was definitely the right choice and will never move back home. Just even more bad memories would come back if I eve moved back home. I feel so guilty but I don't like going home at all!

NC is an acronym for no contact.

"I'm sure it's not 100% their fault but I don't know what else to do to work on it".

Whose fault is it then if not theirs and theirs alone?. You are not responsible for their actions in any event and you were but a child too when all this started. Did they call you for instance awkward, too sensitive, difficult?. They were simply projecting their own selves onto you; that is really them. They made their choices but they chose to treat you abusively. They are not worthy of being called your parents and they have failed you and your sister abjectly.

I hope you will actually embark on therapy and particularly before you become a parent as well. Not at all because I think you will be a poor parent (I doubt very much you would ever treat your DC in the ways you were yourself treated by your so called parents) but because the arrival of children can and often does bring to the surface feelings from your own childhood.

Reclaim your life.

I can see so much that I have been through in you thread some parents should never be allowed to be parents. The scars you have run deep as they do with me I have no contact with my sister (she's 10yrs older ) and my mother was the worst women you can imagine in all your nightmares ( same mental control as your mother is doing to you) Get on with what you want out of life.. you have made the break now take one step at a time and don't let low self esteem hold you back. You are so strong getting away nowdon't let them spoil your future. Talk to a councillor and leave them behind you need only positive people in your life

I have thought about that the other day @AttilaTheMeerkat . My mum keeps mentioning I was uncontrollable when I was a child and that made me wonder how that's my fault. I was a kid, I needed love and discipline when testing my boundaries. I have worked 6 years in child care and that made me realise that loads depends on the parents and whoever takes care of the kids and it's sad my mum thinks I was uncontrollable

If anyone was uncontrollable here it was and is your mother. She was and remains out and out abusive towards you. You do not need this toxic influence in your life at all.

It is not your fault your mother is like this, you did not make her that way. What if anything do you know about her childhood, that can often give clues.

It's interesting that your mother claimed you were "uncontrollable" . It reveals more about her than you - she's a control freak, who wants to dominate your life and use you as an obedient puppet. Normal mothers don't want to "control" their daughters, they want them to be healthy, happy, independent people, they want to love them but allow them the freedom to breathe.
It would help you to explore your memories of your relationship with your mother as you were growing up, but I think it would be safest to do this with a therapist, as it may be very emotionally upsetting for you in the short term. You need to reassess your childhood from your own perspective, not coloured by your mother's poisonous view of you. I think you will find it liberating.

So I haven't spoke to my mum since Sunday. The whole situation is constantly on my mind though. I am going to order the book it was recommended by a mner. I Just feel a bit weird so worried if I regret cutting contact and the consequences 🙄😰

I can totally relate to what you’ve put - my mum was so controlling I wasn’t allowed to go out or stay over with my boyfriend so I left home the day I got married and never looked back! My dad was around but useless I think he was afraid of her aswell
I have a sister also and I see her as my family, that’s it!

Honestly I agree you should go no contact, your mum brought you into this world to love and nurture you, which she failed at. You don’t owe her anything.

Have a happy life, have your own happy family.
I adore taking my two little DDs out and seeing things that I never did as a child and their happiness makes it all worth it

Please do cut your mum out, you deserve to be happy and you won’t whilst she’s a burden to you

Google; F.O.G (Fear Obligation Guilt)
That is what you are going through right now.
She's manipulated and guilted you, your whole life.
And you are finally making a stand against it.
And it's terrifying.
But it will be liberating, eventually.
Definitely read the book and keep tabs on the 'stately homes' thread.
You are taking back control.
Well done!

It's been 15 days since I had any kind of communication with my parents. It's hard and I'm not sure what to do. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by not contacting them... they haven't tried either.

Feeling so lonely. I have a partner but every time I mention him something about this issue his response is ' I don't know what to say' and that's it. And I'm not expecting him to come up with any solution... I just wish he said I'm here for you and let's talk it out and he doesn't and I'm here with no contact with my sister or parents and being with someone who doesn't give a fuck. How do I know I'm doing the right thing?

Ps I just realised I said 'partner' in the mains question instead of 'parents ' -sorry should have read it back before posting the thread

I think you should book some counselling. Your boyfriend doesn’t know how to cope with your issue: you need someone trained to be able to help you. Being in contact with your parents is not helpful at this time.

When you talk to your partner about it maybe just answer “I don’t need you to say anything particular - I know you can’t help as such, but I’d just like you to listen and let me know that you care about what I’m going through”.

Often when we talk to partners they think we need advice, but usually it helps just to formulate your own thoughts by speaking it out loud. If you take the pressure off him to try and “fix” it for you, he might feel more comfortable.

As for the parents - just think of it as giving yourself some breathing space for now. Get some counselling, do some reading to try and help yourself. Maybe post on the stately homes thread to try and find some people who truly understand what you’re going through, or just keep posting here.

I understand that it’s hard. I went NC for a few months with someone I was very close to and it really helped to get my mind straight without them confusing me. Once you get past a month it becomes easier and hopefully you can build up your self esteem in the meantime so that if you do end up back in contact you are stronger and more able to deal with the drama.

Letting go of the idea of the perfect family (eg in your wedding scenario) will help you to see that you don’t need your mother in your life just because of the label ‘mum’ if she’s not bringing any of the benefits of a mum to your life. Your awareness of what not to do and the child development you have studied for your work will help you to break the patterns and not take their parenting into your future life. You’ll be grand