Dear Mum, (a letter to my mother) -TRIGGERING

[Slowlydying]

You fucking left me. 8yrs old and you fucking left me. What was I supposed to do? My brother was 4. FOUR. How is a 4yo supposed to fend for themselves?

There was no-one to feed me, I had to scavenge food.
There were scant decent clothes. I had the humiliation of trying to make the best of myself and being judged by my friends.
I had no coat in winter. NO COAT IN THE SNOW. It was so bitterly cold and I had to pretend I was ok to my friends. I died with humiliation.
I had to freeze to bear being sexually abused by my dad in the bath. Can you imagine what that was like for a little child? I tore the skin off my feet till they bled afterwards. I could never escape him & where were you to keep me safe? Where were you when he repeatedly 'play' drowned me at the local swimming pool? I'll never forget those long seconds as I looked up through the dancing surface of the pool, choked to desperation. Where were you when he made me dress up in slutty women's underwear? An 8yo in red crotchless panties and a matching emply bra. Where were you when he vented his full anger on me hitting and hitting and hitting until my lungs physically stopped working? Where were you when he threw me down the stairs? Where were you period?

And now you want me. Now you need me. You're dying for the shame of being cut off by your daughter. I don't fucking care actually. I don't fucking care how embarrassed you are. I don't fucking care how much it hurts you. I don't fucking care about mothers day or christmas. I don't fucking care.

I don't fucking care.

Oh this is heart rending. So so sorry for what you went through. Are you receiving counselling and support? This is something that should never have happened. I don't blame you for not wanting to see your mother, but perhaps it would help to send that letter, or go and see and tell her what you went through.

you're incredibly brave. I hope you found it cathartic to write?

You must be an incredibly strong woman to go through such despicable abuse and shit yet have the assertiveness as an adult to realise you don't have to give in to the emotional blackmail re the needs of a woman who wasn't there

Stay strong 💪

She doesn't deserve the title of a mother evil bitch! Write it all out, let it out were here to listen

I was never safe. I lived on eggshells. It is a miracle I'm still alive. And my mother is the wounded party! All hail the abandoned mother whose clearly nutty unreasonable dd has cut her off!

So sorry you went through that. You have no reason to feel like you should ever speak to that woman again.

Sorry you suffered so much, it's heartbreaking to read what you went through. Do not feel guilty about not having her back in your life

I just don't know what to say except I want to reach through the screen and give you a massive hug and tell you that you are so strong, so amazing, to still be here after all that. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I hope you have real life support and can find love and peace in other places, as your "mother" has let you down so badly.
Do you think if you tell her what you've told us it would be a help at all?

OP - you need to go NC not only with your 'mother' but also anyone else who is on her side. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours, friends, - anyone who would judge you.

They might not know the story but they should never be judging you. Do what you need to do and fuck anyone else.

You survived all that and you're still going. I think you are incredibly strong and brave. Also wish I could give you a hug.

OP - you need to go NC not only with your 'mother' but also anyone else who is on her side. Aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours, friends, - anyone who would judge you.

This, op and not that they mean much after the despicable abuse but

I hope and pray you prosper and live happily and your brother x

Oh @Slowlydying you poor, wonderful woman. The fact that you were able to type that is testament to how far you've come.
You will get not an ounce of closure from responding to this person, because to knowingly leave a child in that situation is not something that can be forgiven or justified.
I wish you all the very best and hope you're now getting the help you truly deserve.
NC with anyone related to this.
This doesn't define you. You define you.

My god. What you have been through, OP. Just horrendous. How dare she drag herself back into your life again again!

I sincerely wish you all the best for your future but she does not deserve a part in any of it xxx

Bella- There is a good group on FB, Healing after Childhood (with Zariya Lufu).. It's a great space.

Do not drown in the river, your experience is huge. No child deserves a moment of what you went through. You are right to feel the way you do. I want to send that child deep love, your inner child and say beautiful kind words to her. I would like to hold her hand and say, you deserve to be warm and safe. You were let down in a colosal way and no one was there to help you. Start by writing this shit out, and reach out.

You are a survivor. You survived a brutal childhood.

I don't know what to say, only that I hope you are in a much, much happier place now with people who love you and support you.

MY MOTHER IS A CUNT.

Just putting that out there since I can't say it in real life. I had therapy yesterday and today I'm in so much physical pain I can hardly bear it. My hips burn and burn and burn. I'm trying my best to avoid a chemical cosh of painkillers/wine to make them shut up but don't know how much longer I can last.

CUNT.

As you were.

That wasn't enough... ^

CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUNT CUUUUUUUUNT

Who ties their babies feet to the cot? On what planet is that a fucking good idea?

She was a cunt. She still is. As is he.

You were a perfect, innocent, beautiful baby and child and didn't deserve a single millisecond of what they put you through.

Neither of them deserved you.

You are still perfect and innocent. And very brave.

You're amazingly strong op.

Do you have children? A partner? For practice support?

Has your father been brought to justice. Sorry if that is too personal you don't have to answer. You are strong for discussing it hopefully talking will help.

You are a miracle op. And yes, don't doubt that she is undeserving of your time or headspace and your other abuser was a complete beast. I'm glad to hear you call her a cunt- it's deserved. Whatever caused them to act in that way is absolutely no justification to the choices they made.

No my father hasn't been brought to justice, I'm waiting to see if that's possible.

I have no partner and my dc are grown.

I feel you. I went through the exact same with my step dad as a child. It's not easy to forget.