Where is my time for me?

[Mummytobobster]

Me and my partner had a gorgeous baby boy last year, I am currently still on maternity leave and due to go back in 2 months.

I love my son dearly, however I find that I don’t have time for myself. I really want to be able to go out perhaps to an evening exercise class, as to be honest I really don’t feel good about my body at the moment.

My partner works 4 days on and 4 days off meaning it’s impossible for me to go to a regular evening class etc as 4 out of 8 weeks I wouldn’t be able to attend. In addition he also had a hobby which means Monday and Friday nights he is not a home. He also has a second “job” which takes him away from home for 3 nights a month (not sleeping at home).

I feel really lost about what to do, am I being reasonable wanting a night a week for myself. In an ideal world I would like my partner to give up his hobby to give me more stability, help with our son and the flexibility and freedom I crave. But it also makes me feel like a terrible person.
My life feels like it has completely changed and I am limited to what I can do, whereas my partner doesn’t seem to have broken stride.

Anyone have any advice?

This sort of shift pattern are a real bugger -they really mess with family life. I'm sure it would not be beyond the wit of someone to think of a better system. Are the shifts covering 24 hrs ?

You're not being unreasonable to want some time for yourself and also some time with your partner as well. I agree - he does seem to be behaving more as a single, child free man. You need to forget the idea of feeling bad about pointing out he should be stepping up to meet his responsibilities.

I think you have to raise it explicitly with your DP, for example what can we do to enable me to have an evening a week to join a class / go running/ whatever and also a lie -in at the weekend? Put the challenge in his court to get him thinking about it. IME the males of our species can be blinkered about making sure their partners get a fair crack of whip when it comes to 'me time' when the kids start arriving. They need things pointing out in black and white.

This could mean him dropping one of his evenings or paying for a baby sitter say every Wednesday so you can go to your car maintenance class. Doesn't have to be an evening - plenty of classes during the day. That way you could still share an evening together, as doesn't sound as if you have much 'couple time' either.

You not only need to raise it explicitly now for 'me time' but also for how childcare will happen when you return to work. He'll have to pick up his turn at dropping off / picking up from childcare, taking time off for sickness etc.

Oh and don't call looking after his own child of an evening 'baby sitting', or let him do this. It's only baby sitting, if done by a granny or someone you pay. Parents don't baby sit, they care / look after

I have the same. I go to the class the weeks that I can. I think you should give yourself one night out every week. It doesnt have to be the same night, just plan what you can where possible around dhs scedule. Where its not possible ask him to drop a hobby evening that week. Of course this only works if you have a variety of classes on offer and it helps if they are payg.

Your partner is a selfish git OP, plain and simple, a good decent partner would want to help you; I am so sick of reading women crying out for help when their men carry on having their jolly times; it's not right, not fair and you should not tolerate it; you'd probably have more time to yourself if you were not with him and he'd actually have to behave like a parent, it's an actual joke how these men carry on merrily whilst their partners struggle to have a decent life, tell him it stops now and what is he going to do to contribute to your wellbeing.

Can you join a gym with a crèche. That would enable you to go every week.

You'll get your me time, the alternative is far far worse. I should have been returning from maternity this month, but my son passed away. All I've had is me time, and it's not been remotely fun.

Things will settle down and balance themselves, just try to be patient and appreciate what you do have. Approach your partner about your issues with him and enjoy the last of your maternity leave.

Does your partner need to go on both Monday and Friday evenings? Am assuming his work pattern messes that up too? Could he drop one evening?

If not, I think you need to ask him to give it up - at least temporarily while little one is so small.

My life feels like it has completely changed - that's because it has, yet his doesn't seem to have changed at all? He is a parent now, you don't get to do what you like, when you like, all the time any more.

Good luck!

Get your partner to agree to one night each week you can have as you time. That night will change but you could see friends one week and do a class the next or di different classes.

Something has to give. And it has to be from him, you are close to breaking.

It wasn’t for a regular hobby but just in general - at this stage in Mat leave I drew my partner something like a scale, and in the conversation added a weight for every night he was out doing his thing, and ditto for mine. Mine had a weight a couple of months back. His I had to draw the ridiculous pile. And that was why I didn’t give a damn how important his next event was, it clashed with my going out and he was cancelling his.
Your dh is probably thinking hey that’s how my job works and 2 nights a week isn’t that much, but he hasn’t bothered to consider how it compares to you.

I think you add up how much free time he has for hobbies, and tell him you're taking the same.

How come he gets monday and fridays with his shift pattern and you dont

nope not buying it -you should have a night as well for exercise

sosks I’m so sorry for your loss. That is so incredibly heartbreaking. Puts things in perspective. I hope you’ve had the support you need