My dm abandoned me & my brother when he was 4 & I was 8. My parents divorced and my df got custody. He was violent, neglectful and sexually abused me - for years, I'm in the process of taking him to court - decades later. I didn't have much contact with her after she left. I managed to escape mid-teens & was fostered. At the end of fostering there was no follow-on care offered and I went to stay with my dm because I had no other option. She kind of made me beg which was humiliating. We actually got on ok at this time as we'd both grown a little. I never held it against her that she left because I knew she'd had her reasons (which I've never learnt). But over the years she continued to ridicule & humiliate me in a low-to-medium level way. She denied my experience. When I was happy at work, she'd say 'It's not like that in the real world - but it was my real world. I never felt valued. When I went to live with her, I didn't have a 'nice' bedroom of my own, I just had her spare. It was like no one really cared. I'm still surprised she never noticed how emaciated I was as a child when she had access visits.
She behaved appallingly when I got married and I couldn't fathom what was wrong? When I had my own kids, she looked at me in awe and said 'You're SO nurturing' and I remember thinking 'this is what you're supposed to be like', though I didn't say it. I remember in my 30s she offered me £300 one day and I nearly choked. I was like wtf? Where was that money when I had no coat to wear to school and I froze in the middle of a snowy winter.
In the end I cut her off because I'd bunked 14 xmas's in a row with her and had truly run out of excuses. I wanted my dc to have a wild xmas day with chocolate for breakfast, the cartoons on, paper all over the floor & high excitement. I just couldn't bear to go to hers with the golf masters on tv, no presents till after 5pm & kids having to be quiet. I hated the cold, clinical atmosphere.
Since we've been NC I've received my whole medical records - what a revelation. They detail now I got constant vaginal infections as a toddler & abuse was queried but denied. We had a family psychiatric assessment when I was 4 because she wanted me 'sorting out'. In it she's described as 'cyclomythic' and she's quoted as saying 'I have nothing but coldness in my heart for that child'. It details how my primary attachment figure is my father. How I try to sooth my dm's tears - at 4! How she attempted suicide.
In the time I've been NC she's written 4 times. She wants me back in her life. I believe she'd now do anything I asked, including therapy. She's had two episodes of cancer, the last very serious. She didn't expect to survive. I believe this is true. I think if I stay NC the internal pain/shame/cancer will probably kill her within the next 5yrs. So I have a choice. Can we ever truly let go of our mothers? Do I tell her that if she agrees to therapy there is the possibility of a new different relationship? I've had bucket loads of my own therapy but there's still some kind of pull. I guess I'm thinking about my court case because she's a witness and I'll see her there. But she was just as much to blame really because she abandoned me to him.
I want to make a final decision once and for all and then get on with my life. This business has killed me, I'm NC with my entire family. What do you think I should do?