Anyone else feel more like a cleaner than a partner?

[Littlejayx]

I have a almost 1 year old and am going back to work in June for 30 hours a week.

ATM I currently do 100% of the cleaning 100% cooking 100% washing 100% animal care (two dogs and a grumpy cat) 100% of the waking with the baby and I would honestly say 90% childcare. And about 40% of the bills/baby buying

Being on mat leave I would expect to do this (brought up in a very woman stay at home family) but honestly I do everything.

I feel like I’m no longer a partner in a relationship I feel I am a housekeeper. And if I mention this to my husband I’m whinging at him or ruining his home time.

He has a active farming job that keeps him busy full time and I do understand that he gets tired and don’t mind cooking his food and doing his washing. But with a one year old I feel my life is constantly tidying.

I live in a teeny village with none of my family much involved and his family are very open about if there’s a toy left on the floor or a dish not washed. The pressure to keep a perfect house is crippling me to the point where I’m getting up at 3 am to get on top of things otherwise I don’t want to face getting out of bed with the baby.

Will I have to do this still when I go back to work? I have asked for him to help by putting things away after he’s used them, picking up dirty clothes, washing a dish after use but NOTHING WORKS.

Sorry I just needed to rant and hope someone can advise me how to make this situation better

Why have you enabled him to be like that? Don't talk to him about it until you are blue in the face, it won't work as you have found out.

It's all about action.

Stop being your dh's mother for starters!

Keep your sense of humour so that you don't fall into the trap of being accused of being a nag and a bad wife.

Just don't pick up after him. Do not do his laundry. Don't cook for him. Get the balance back!

Have a meeting with him. Write down all the things that need doing on a daily, weekly, monthly basis and ask him to initial half.

Get back to work with the new schedule up and running.

He has to be a team member now he has a family.

Laugh at his family and ask why they have created a toddler instead of a man if they moan at the mess. Agree with them and say it's not your job to be a mother to your DH!

Once you stop taking responsibility for others you'll feel empowered.

Never be any one's skivvy and as soon as your child is old enough get them helping out too.

If nothing works take a back seat, ask him to organise or employ a cleaner and au pair.

No one can treat you badly or upset you unless you let them.

Yep. I felt like this. One of the reasons why I am divorced.

Me too. She was an utter slob and this is one of the many reasons why I'm glad we're not together anymore. Even now when I go to collect the kids her house is a tip. I cannot live with someone like that. I always had to do the tiding up, load the dishwasher, etc..she'd just leave stuff where it fell, leave dirty knives/forks on the side just feet from the sink, coffee cups all over the place, not to mention the eating shite in bed and leaving half eaten stuff under the bed to go mouldy. Urgg. So glad I'm out of that mess.

That is awful, what about all the women that work full time and care for kids, more than one too; he's a crap partner, crap parent to let you be doing all that; I'd be saying he either pitches in with family life or he pays for a regular cleaner, absolutely ridiculous that you are doing all that, you should feel like a team but instead you're the unpaid cleaner and nanny whilst he sits back.

Have a read of Shattered by Rebecca Asher.

Stop stop stop! You do not need to be running a show home. Tell your DH he needs to do more. If his family comment on untidiness or whatever, ignore them. You are both responsible for your house and child. It's not the 1950s anymore and you don't need to be someone's unpaid skivvy. I would genuinely go on strike (obviously not with looking after baby and pets but with cleaning and housework) and let him see how much you do. I also wouldn't have more children with him if he does no parenting - he sounds utterly useless tbh.

I also wouldn't have more children with him if he does no parenting - he sounds utterly useless tbh

Totally agree with this.

I wouldn't be happy in a marriage like that. I don't see where is find the energy or enthusiasm for intimacy either.

Have you considered discussing how the work will be divided on your return to work.

It's such a relationship killer doing all the work and you'll become very resentful.

' And if I mention this to my husband I’m whinging at him or ruining his home time. '

This is how he fobs you off and keeps you in your place.

'I'm not a nag or ruining your time. You are not doing your part to keep this family going. I'm going back to work. We need to discuss how we will split the lifework. If you refuse to discuss it or entertain how we'll split it I need to know that, too.'

Getting up at 3am? Of fuck that.

'I have asked for him to help by putting things away after he’s used them, picking up dirty clothes, washing a dish after use but NOTHING WORKS. '

It's not helping. He doesn't give a shit and expects you to do it. Every time he leaves his skiddy pants on the floor and yet still expects you to do the laundry, he's saying 'Fuck you, Littlejay, your job is to skivvy for me as well as work outside the home.'

As for his family, practise saying, 'Yep, it's 2018. There's no such thing as a Maid of All Work now. I expect to live in a partnership.'

I had one like this. The cunt. Banged on and on about my going and out 'earning your keep' 'earning your crust,' but also about how I wasn't 'houseproud'. I fired back, 'Funny, neither are you.' I dumped shortly after because it was clear to me he didn't want a partner, he wanted a synth off Humans who did it all, brought money to further his lifestyle and serviced him sexually. 16 years later he's gone from relationship to relationship because who's going to put up with that?

If both of you are working can't you get a cleaner? You will.not be able to do all this cleaning and tidying when you return to work outside the home anyway do, something had to give.

One of my stipulations when choosing a partner was, no man who'd been raised as a mini-God not lifting a finger in the way of cooking and housework, and was used to parent(s) doing everything for him.

I've instilled the same values in my DDs. There just aren't enough hours in the day to deal with people like this. All they do is bring mess and stress into your life.

I know some will say don't clear up after him - but I don't think that will necessarily cause him to re-think and magically become tidier. Who's to say he won't leave the mess right where it is then you could become even more stressed having to look at your home in a complete mess. At which point you'll probably end up tidying it.

I hope it is possible to get a cleaner at least twice a week OP. & please do screen out his family's comments. If they're not going to pitch in and help they can get lost

Will I have to do this still when I go back to work?

You don't have to do this NOW! You are choosing to do it rather than confront him and his family's totally unreasonable and misogynistic expectations of you. If I were you, I would sit down and devise a fair split of chores then ask him to discuss and negotiate with you. If he refuses, then just go ahead with what you think is fair. Email it to him! As a minimum, he should be doing his own washing, tidying up after himself and a fair share of the cooking and washing up in the evening. What did he do before you had a child? What would he do if he lived alone? He's a grown man FFS.

For what it's worth, I have a one-year-old, currently caring for him full time while my husband works full time. We both consider these important jobs. I plan to go back to work in a few months like you. But at the moment in my 'work hours' (ie while he is at work) I do all the childcare and all the child-related admin like buying nappies, clothes, toys, arranging play dates, vaccinations, check-ups etc. I also do some household stuff that's easy to fit round the baby like paying bills and ordering food shop. I cook for me and DS and wash it up. But once DH is home in the evening, we do everything else 50/50 ie toddler bath time we do together, bedtime take turns and the other one empties nappy bin, tidies toys etc and restores adult space. We take turns to cook and wash up, or get takeaway. At the weekend we have one lie-in and breakfast in bed each, then we do fun stuff with DS or have a couple of hours me-time. I consider this very fair.

We do have a cleaner who does majority of laundry, ironing and cleaning the house though. If we didn't, I think I would be happy to do a bit more eg bedding wash, hoovering, but would expect to split the main chores that I couldn't do in the daytime with a toddler underfoot. No way on earth would I do what you do. Your DH is being totally unreasonable and should be ashamed of himself, but you are also enabling him. Please please stop!!

Tell him to pay for a cleaner. Top dollar mind. Full living wage and all of that. Oh and when you go back to work what are the childcare arrangements?

I was a sahm for a full 10 years. My DH worked v long hours ( self employed) but still did a share of the cleaning, say 80/20. Then I went back to work or at first which left him to do one bedtime a week plus school run the next morning, plus all associated tasks, toys away, vacuum, baths , clear up after everyone, any night wakings/ sickness, morning routine plus leave a wash on and 9 times out of 10 left me breakfast ready. After about 4years he wound down his self employed hours and I found a good ft position. That was over 12 years ago and he dies more than me in the house , say 60% to my 30% ( adult dd who is saving for uni does a good 10% too).
No one person in a family should be responsible for 100% cleaning or childcare.

• does, not dies

I do most of the house work but that's because 1. I quite like it and 2. I'm here the most.
However my partner is 100% helpful and does thing because they need doing not because I've had to prompt him.
I was married to a man who sounds like your DH I honestly ran myself to the bone trying to do everything.
When we divorced I was actually surprised that it shouldn't have been expected of me to do all of it on my own.
You need to tell him you're a partnership AND if he doesn't do his fair share then you have serious problems.
When I was married I was depressed, mostly down to the situation I was in, like you I also had a small toddler. Take it from someone who's been there. Change it now.

Thank you for all your responses, honestly I can now see this isn’t right.

He lived at home with 4 sisters and his mother who did EVERYTHING for him it seems.

I spoke to him last night and he honestly thinks working is a lot harder work than looking after the baby. He sees my maternity leave as a break or long holiday because I spend my time ‘lunching’ ( I go to 3 baby groups and walk most days with the dogs) and have Monday’s as food shopping.

I do get emotional when I start saying these things face to face so I may write down how I’m feeling.

Relax your standards and to hell with what he or his family think.

If he leaves clothes, dishes or anything else lying around leave them until they fester and inform him you will not pick anything up after him.

Sit down and explain to him the unfairness of the current situation. My exH used to work very long hours Monday to Friday in a very physical job and insisted his weekend was his, all his. I worked 2 days a week, did everything in the house, cooked, cleaned, all childcare starting 7 am and finishing at 8 pm when I did the washing up after the toddler was in need bed and never had time to myself. He never lifted a finger even when I was 9 months pregnant.

He sees my maternity leave as a break or long holiday

Ask him to be the stay at home parent for a day. He'll soon realise it is nothing like a holiday!

Keep your sense of humour so that you don't fall into the trap of being accused of being a nag and a bad wife.
Or lose your sense of humour and harness your anger.

In my experience, yes, this continued after I went back to work and only stopped when we separated.