DH wants space but I need the opposite

[fakeplastictree]

We've been together for 9 years and had a very rocky marriage.Things have come to a head recently with arguments and discussions every day for the last few weeks and he's been repeatedly asking for "space".

When I ask him what that means he says he doesn't want to be nagged, wants to do his own thing in the house, cook his own way, sit and read, have some time on his own with the kids. He says he doesn't want to keep discussing the relationship problems anymore yet we have no answers or solutions because he's refusing to leave the family home and I won't leave because of the kids.

Because of the turmoil of the past few weeks I'm even more lonely, sad, craving love and time together, connection and reassurance. I want to try to rebuild things and I think that takes time together and communication.

Not once has he asked me what I need or how he could make things better.

He said he's supported me for 9 years with MH problems and now he "just needs space". He says he still loves me and I do love him.

It seems like he just wants to keep me dangling - there for him when he wants to talk to his easy going happy wife, family days out all together at his beck and call, me out the house "doing our own separate things". Nothing about that points towards repairing our relationship or showing me any love or affection.

How can I give him space when I need the complete opposite?

Hi op. I am a person needing space and would find your needing love as suffocating and extremely offputting.
I think it sounds like he has chevked out here-he needs to be away from you. For me that meant not having enough love left to put someones needs first and put up with the clinginess. He is tired of you, as horrible as it is.
Id prepare for him leaving. Im sorry he should be transaparent with you.

Men in general don't like talking about their emotions. It's the last thing they want to do. And neither do they want to talk about yours. If he's supported you for the last 9 years over your MH problems, he's done very well, and if he's recently been able to make time for family life and activities, surely it's a step in the right direction? He's trying hard, and he's getting there. But you do need to back off. It's not fair to expect the man to be totally responsible for your happiness.

If you wanted to give it 1 last go I think you need to say you actually need time for yourself to get happy, that might mean time away from the dc and DH it might entail just a few hours a couple nights a week or it might be a weekend away but you need to become your own person again for the greater food of the relationship and it would also prepare you if he does decide to leave. It sounds like you have lost your own identity and living through the rest of the family. Be a bit selfish let him realise all you do and what he would be missing.

I also think you need to let him have his space. The marriage sounds exhausting, living with someone who is mentally unwell can be sxhausting in itself.the focus becomes always about them and their needs.

He's told you he loves you. Let him be. Stop trying to force the issue. Then let him broach thr subject with you. You may find if you back off the relationship starts to become better after a few weeks or months as it settles down.

chavtasticfirebanger (amazing name!) I am the same as you. I need headspace away from the demands of my relationship sometimes. My dp can be suffocating at times and has some mh issues that I do my absolute best to be supportive through, and think I am a great partner 90% of the time.

But OP, the more he worries and becomes anxious about "us" - when he's having a particularly anxious time and our relationship becomes the focus of his worries, (its one of his go-to subjects when he's feeling low) the more I need to back away and just not have his needs as my priority. Just for a little while. This last weekend we have not seen each other (bar a bite to eat at my house on Friday night, we don't live together) as my mh is justvas important as his and I cannot deal with the "are we ok? Do you still love me? There isn't anyone else is there? Why does something feel weird? Why haven't you answered my text yet, it's been 20 mins? Who are you with? Why are you online but haven't messaged me?" that comes with his anxiousness when it's skyrocketing.

Just give him the space. How hard is that? Tell him you will and stick to it. If after a couple of weeks he hasnt come back to you and said right, I'm feeling a bit more able to deal with "us" now, then crack on with the counselling. Maybe do that anyway. But at least do the decent thing and allow him the thing he has told you he needs in your relationship.

Arguments and discussions every day sounds exhausting. I'm not surprised he needs some space. I'm not sure if you mean he wants to be completely alone (i.e. you out of the house) or whether it's just some time reading a book, being with kids etc without having to have a discussion. The latter seems entirely reasonable and normal. If he feels he's not getting that he must be incredibly drained.

Just stop trying to force a resolution for a while and you might find things improve anyway.

Thank you so much for all your helpful advice.

I will back off completely and give him some space over the next few weeks and then raise the subject of counselling again. Even if that means feat with the increased in anxiety of not knowing how to act.

I did a lot of thinking last night about what it is exactly I'm scared of, what is the threat that's making me panic and try to hold on. Besides from losing him and the person that I love and my best friend, I guess I don't want to be alone, unwanted, unloved, single parent, having to sell the house and then struggle for money. But none of those things should they happen are insurmountable to deal with, so I know I will be able to cope.

I definitely do need to figure out ways to build my own happiness, through friends and hobbies and interests. Although I feel like I'm pestering my friends to meet up and do stuff, because they're at home quite happily doing things with their partners or families!

I'm not entirely clear on what space means flowerbed. He wants to have separate experiences so we have things to talk about (I think he finds me boring tbh). But he makes no effort to go out and do a hobby or see his own friends. Whereas over the last couple of months I do try and have plans a few times a week.

He says its unhealthy and most couples do not spend 5 evenings a week in each other's company.

He then says he doesn't need to be out of the house to have space, just wants to do his own thing sometimes. And I don't know how to be in the house as a family, and let him do his own thing. If he's sat playing a game or whatever do I ignore him, can I ask him if you wants a cup of tea if I'm making one? It's just so awkward.

I think he's probably right to ask for a bit of space. He's not asked for physical distance, just a bit of emotional space and time to just "be". I understand that. I need that too, irrespective of whether it's good times or bad, I need space to think.

I don't have MH issues but occasionally, and it's linked to menstrual cycle, I become irritated, emotional and sometimes I have directed this in the form of fears, finding fault, and anger towards DP. And in my experience the mind in this state plays tricks! It magnifies small things, creates yet more small things, it becomes a greenhouse for growing bigger problems. The more you talk, the more you think, and the more you analyse as someone in a state of anxiety, fear or depression the more issues you "find" At least half of the weight of this burden will have been generated by your own mind.

I don't know what the nature of your MH problem is, but you must take responsibility for your own wellbeing. There is little point in just sharing the pain, if one simply continues to always feel it. I have worked with a couple of women with BPD and it's classic BPD to try and share the pain, they simply can't bare to think you are not feeling it as intensely as them. And when you do share the pain they turn the volume up to full whack to keep you in the same state as them. The transferrance of emotional pain is significant and creates a reciprocal loop. The answer is to say "no I do not feel this way, no I do not feel your pain, no I am not the cause, no I am not going to collude with you, no I am not going to Stoke up your fears by feeding this, but I will support you to help yourself"
And it's self help, self love and care that is needed. Otherwise they remain a perpetual victim. And no doubt your husband has started to realise that your mental health is neither caused by him, or after 9 years can be cured by him.

Take this time to love yourself. Get help for your issues. And let him have the space he needs.

Giving space while at home shouldn't be difficult. It doesnt mean ignoring him....just letting him do his own thing.

I think it's healthy to have your own interests and to have joint interests if possible.

From what you've said, your marriage sounds like it can be improved. Their isn't one major issue that is causing this.... so if you both want things to improve and are willing to listen to each other, you can have a better happier marriage.

We find time to do our own thing. It doesn't mean not speaking to each other at all. If we're making tea, we'll offer each other one. We tend to have our 'space' in the evenings once our kids are in bed. That can be reading, doing a hobby or just watching a TV programme

When you go off and do your own thing a few times a week if it when he's at work? How much time ties he get actually to himself?

I expect that during the ‘space’ time, you will be the one cleaning, doing the childcare, running the home etc. Where will your space be?
Phaps, show willing, do the space thing for a bit then get rid. He’s giving you too much stress.

Sometimes they're evening things so back late, sometimes I'd be home 8ish. I now feel like I have to do all these things out of the house. There is plenty of time that he could choose to do what he wants but I'm not going to live constantly out of the house doing things just so that I can regale him.

The other issue was that he feels he shouldn't have to ask me for permission to do what he wants, so just books things whilst assuming I'm around the look after the kids without even checking. I think it's wrong and that in a healthy relationship you say, just so you know I'm thinking of doing this, are you around to look after the kids.

I'm not his housekeeper.

I think it sounds as if it would be best if he took his space time long term and left.
He really doesn’t sound like soneone who will want to considering your needs any time soon.
You should be loved and cherished. You deserve better.

Sounds like him requesting space is making you more and more anxious, a vicious circle.

I actually don't think he's asking for or needing actual space, I think he's asking for calm. You to be calm, the atmosphere to be calm. No more discussing emotions, marriage, counselling. He said he loves you, he wants to make it work.

How can you have been together for 9 years, but you not know how to be amicably on your own in the same house at the same time? I will sometimes be engrossed in a book and not want to chat to DH. Or want to watch a movie that he doesn't want to watch - or even if he is watching to not talk about it with him. He's learned to just make me a cup of tea and leave it by my side. If I notice it and drink it, all to the good. If I don't, who cares?! It's just a cup of tea, it's not the end of the world if I don't drink it.

Yes, you can offer him a cup of tea, if you think he might want one. But if that means asking every half an hour, then you're being disruptive. But the simplest way to know is ASK HIM.

But I'm concerned about the comment that 'most people don't spend 5 evenings a week together'. Erm, I'm guessing that a whole heck of a lot of couples do spend that much time together, and enjoy it.

Not have something to talk about? Of course you can. You can talk about all sorts of inane things. The stupidity of the tv show you're watching (the stupid ones are sometimes more fun to watch together than the good ones!). Or if you're watching tv and he's reading news on his tablet, he can mention an article he's read. etc, etc. Life is generally about lots of little things, not a few big things.

I think the need for time on his own is a relatively new thing. I guess people change and looking into attachment styles in relationships we have both changed.

Because I’ve been ill for such a long time, then young children and very busy work schedules I’ve not felt able to pursue outside interests so I’ve just been plodding along trying to get by. Me being around didn't seem to affect him that much.

Well just speaking to friends I know of couples who enjoy each other’s company many times during the week as well as time apart. Importantly that’s the type of marriage that I want, so maybe we’re just not compatible. I want time on our own as a couple once a week sort of thing, to maybe do a hobby together or to do interesting things together. He sees that as too intense.

Oh I’ve tried chatting about inane stuff, for example the royal wedding the other day, he doesn’t engage just one word answers. What I offer doesn’t seem good enough for him.

He’s definitely depressed and I was wondering if he’s having a midlife crisis or something. If it’s that and he just needs time then I’d support him as best I can. But apparently he’s just depressed because of me.

Then it's not you, it's him. How long have you had MH problems? Could your relationship be exacerbating or even causing them?

he shouldn't have to ask me for permission to do what he wants, so just books things whilst assuming I'm around the look after the kids without even checking.

The use of the word permission doesn't sit well with me.

As an adult I don't need permission from my DH.

I think checking the other parent is around to look after the kids is good. My DC are teens now...so can stay home alone. I make arrangements to go out with friends and then I let him know.

When they were younger...I did find I had to ensure he was available before I firmed up plans...but reverse was not the case.

If I could go back in time, I would have made it more equal. Although all my friends had the same situation...we'd be out and make tentative plans for the next outing... subject to our DHs availability...but that's also because 3 out of 4 of us had DHs that travelled out of the country for work.

Yeah, permission is the word he used.

I've had MH problems long before I met him, but it's hard to know if my lack of identity and subsequent problems form that is to do with my BPD or being made worse because this is potentially a toxic relationship.

Either way I'm working on my goals and values and trying to sort my life out. But splitting up the family is huge thing to do if I'm not sure if the problem is me, or us.

Perhaps you are confusing the word 'space' (as meaning physically apart) with what he probably needs, which is emotional headspace as an individual. I suspect that you need the same, actually.

Just because you are a couple, you don't have to think the same way about everything - as though each of you is only half of the whole person. You can be in the house together but you don't have to be doing or thinking or talking (or indeed agreeing) about the same thing.
Just be you. Stop using him to make you whole.

Being used as an emotional crutch for an extended period of time is enough to drive anyone round the bend eventually.

@passmetheloppers yeah I think you're right. I've used him as a crutch and my identity is all tangled up in the relationship and I'm codependent. Well that's day one of space and calmness done.