Forgiving, accepting and moving on.

[Neenook]

I have a difficult relationship with my parents.
For perspective I'm in my 40's married with teenage kids of my own.
I'm not sure how to classify my relationship with them, other than the fact that is not easy, I wish it were something it has never been and I find myself feeling frustrated, irritated and 'jangled' by them. All this combines to make me feel bad about both them and myself. Which I hate.

I didn't have an awful childhood, but obviously there are elements that have led to this. My Mum seemed to play favourite with my sister and I, one of us (usually her as youngest) was given attention and I often was pushed aside or even given a feeling of being ganged up on. This meant my sister and I were never close until we were able to talk about this some years ago.
Mum would also completely stop talking to me at times if I'd done something she didn't like - often with no explanation.
Both Mum and Dad would also talk about me and criticise behind my back but within earshot, meaning I always thought people were talking about me when I left the room. This was mainly initiated by my mother.
I was bullied at school quite badly for years - at its worst horrid notes would be left in my bag for me to find when I got home. My mother found these and spoke to me about it - but did nothing practical to help.

This is getting a bit long, but basically - how can I see them, not get irritated or feel bad and not become the critical, exasperated daughter I feel I am becoming - which is no better than they were to me?

For the people in my life that are like this but NC is not an option I accept it is my responsibility to lower my expectations and appreciate them for who they truly are. I realise in your situation that sounds really trite and I don’t mean it to. But if you always see them, prepared with the knowledge that that is who they are, then they can’t let you down anymore because you’ve given yourself the power because you won’t be surprised by their behaviour.

Please have a read through the Stately Homes thread on this board. You do not have to forgive your parents for being shitty parents.

I think whatever you grow up with becomes your normal, in the same way a goldfish can't tell there's something wrong with the water. Criticising or silent treatment are considered abuse actually, although it can feel weird to use those words for parents who were largely loving / good / not smacking you with a log.

When it comes to things like this, you'll subconsciously be carrying around a backpack of anger and resentment about your childhood. It's not always something people realise consciously but as an adult you feel them repeating the behavior and right away you are back to feeling as crap as you did as a child.

Step one is to unpack the backpack and to see a good counselor to talk about all the things that hurt you as a child and get angry / sad about them now. Letting out out helps to wipe the slate clean and express justified emotions on it all.

Step 2 is learning that as an adult, you have choices you didn't have as a child and you can take or leave behavior from anyone (parents included) by implementing boundaries.

I didn't realise I had an emotionally abusive childhood until I became a Mother and all of a sudden I realised how scared and rejected and sad I'd felt so often as a child. Acknowledging that, getting it out and learning new boundaries with my parents really released that and helped me to have good relationships with them.

I see them now as two people who really loved me, and at times weren't great at being parents and didn't meet my needs. I see them as imperfect, and I love the good things about them and reject the bad. For the gaps they left, I learned to re-parent myself and then that helped me to stop regressing to that child every time I was around them.

The boundaries are how you protect yourself.

I love like my Mum for example, really love her and love spending time with her. I no longer allow her to upset me, manipulate me, make me feel guilty, make me feel she is the only one who's feelings matter. It's difficult to describe how I do that, but basically I don't tolerate any BS or react to hers. If she pulls one of her moods - I don't care - she can own it it has nothing to do with me. If she doesn't respect my boundaries, I very calmly state them and then walk away if she doesn't listen. It's worked wonders, but it only worked because I no longer felt like it was my fault.

It hasn't changed my parents, at least not much, but it's allowed me to detach from feeling like every time they act likes that it's my fault. when you begin to feel like that, you can just roll your eyes and say "not my circus, not my monkeys".

I love my parents very much, and going NC would have made me very sad. I needed to find a way to work around their sometimes awful behavior to appreciate what I do love and enjoy that. It works really well.

As a note here though: the idea of giving me child the silent treatment or criticizing him so he could hear. OMG. So not normal!!!! Please don't normalise that. It doesn't mean you have to hate them, but normalising it is an act of self violence. Children shouldn't be treated like that.

Thank you so much everyone who has replied. Reading your posts has actually made me feel quite unexpectedly emotional.
It's weirdly good to hear that their behaviour wasn't normal, although terming it as abusive is difficult - it doesn't seem extreme enough, despite the fact I recognise it has affected me massively throughout childhood and into my adult years. Deep down I do know they do love me and would be shocked and devastated to read this...although it would be put down to my ridiculousness, dramatic tendencies, or over-sensitivity.
I will look at the stately homes thread despite feeling a bit of a fraud...

Again, thank you all so much x