Can’t work out if this is a mid life crisis, depression or marriage issues?

[Twoweekcruise]

Dh and I have been together for 28 years, married for 16 and have 12 yr and 10 yr old dc. I’m 45 and dh is 46.
We’ve been together since I was 16 and he was my first and only boyfriend.
I love my dh very much.
However, for sometime now I’ve not felt happy and I don’t know why. I will admit that I suffer from anxiety and depression for years (am on a long waiting list for CBT).
I feel as though we have become stuck in one long dragged out, boring domesticated life of drudgery.
I spend my life cleaning up and tidying up after everyone and then nagging everyone to make an effort and help.
Dh works hard but just seems more than happy with just working, paying bills, watching tv and paying more bills (he’s obsessed with saving and switching off lights, turning down dials etc just to save some money here and there).
We never do much as just a couple, I regularly say I’d like to see this film at the cinema or how lovely it would be to have a child free weekend away, I just get a general ‘oh right sounds good’ but nothing ever more is said and it’s pretty obvious he’s not that interested as that would mean spending money!
I appreciate that money at times can be tight but the reality is that although we are not rolling in it, we are not on the breadline either. I knew when I met dh that he comes from a frugal family (his parents are so tight, they sit in the dark, don’t flush the toilet each time and his mum will mend things rather than buy new etc) but I was very young when we met and pre-kids we had lots of free money and had loads of fun.
However, I now have this terrible mid life fear that I will end up living like my in laws.
I work part time and don’t earn that much myself, however I’m desperately looking to earn more (not many jobs in this area am applying all the time) so that I can contribute more to our social life.
However, deep down I fear that even if we had money coming out of our ears for social time etc, dh still wouldn’t want to do much and that maybe, he has, at 46 already morphed into my extremely boring FIL (who never, ever wants to go out or do anything).
I can’t work out if this is me and a midlife crisis, depression or my dh?!
I feel lost tbh.

You don’t have to label it...you’re unhappy.
Ask him to sit down and add one more thing to your household budget...having fun!
Look around for money off vouchers or deals for the cinema or find out about the ramblers or walking tours of nearby towns (some the tourist boards print out so they are self guided and free) break out of your rut! Get the children involved too. List out weekend jobs...put them in a hat and pick one each...an hour...ready, set, go! Loud music...clear the house and its fun and everyone gets involved. Start enjoying the stuff that’s there and make room for more joy

bionic you are right, I am unhappy, I just haven’t been able to admit that to myself as it makes me feel I’m failing somehow!

Far from it! It arms you with awareness...you’re lucky is so many ways...how wonderful to have such a good solid foundation.
Now all you need is to wake your DH up and start having more fun!

You sound bored. Suggest get children to do more household / garden chores. Teach children to cook one or two meals. Are there any clubs that you can join locally eg WI, drama, walking, knit and natter, sport, geo cache, photography. Start a new hobby or a college course or volunteer. Do something that you enjoy. Life is too short to stay on the sofa and not spend any money. Make some small changes. Look on money saving expert website for money saving offers

Thanks, fingers crossed!

Do some things that are not in your usual routine, visit local park or green space for picnic, visit seaside, make and fly kite, grow flowers, car boot sale, charity shop find some bargains, visit museum, craft ideas....

My other suggestion is to look for things to do in the future so that you put them in your diary and have something to look forward to. Search for things to do locally or further away. You can get cheap bus or train tickets if you book in advance. There is no point saying I wish we had gone there or done that, make firm plans

If he doesn’t want to have fun, find a friend to pair up with and do it anyway. His loss. I hate meanness too

How does your DH feel about the way his DP's live? Can he see that it's odd/limiting?

I think depression and anxiety can create all these feelings all by themselves, but it also sounds like you have a legitimate wish to have a bit more fun - actually maybe that is contributing to feeling depressed.

I think you can take control of your own life and create fun for yourself in ways that don't need a lot of money. There's so many fun free things to do and it's easier to find them since the internet came along. If you haven't got a gang of friends around, you can make them, and simple things like going for a coffee or to a free gallery or to play frisbee in the park can be a lot of fun.

The catch 22 is that making changes and doing new things can seem monumentally hard if you're depressed but maybe you can start with very small steps. I have never been depressed, but my ex partner was and it was awful and really sucked all his energy and drive and he was just very, very down. What I found helped as much, if not more, than the anti depressants was a 30 minute walk each day (especially in the sunshine), cutting alcohol, keeping to a good sleep routine and eating really well Mediterranean style with no sugary snacks and lots of fresh fruit and veg. After about a month of doing that, he felt miles better.

If you can make yourself feel a little better, the energy might start to come back and then you might feel energised into a step by step process of finding fun in your life.

I'd also advise waiting until you have resolved those things and made yourself happy with your life in general before evaluating your marriage as I think a lot of people make the mistake of blaming their unhappiness on their marriage only to separate and find their misery follows them,

And get the kids and husband helping out! I know what it's like, I often feel like a slave in my house!