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Original poster

Just started dating after 20 year marriage, should I ditch this guy?

26 replies

lovemistymornings · 20/05/2018 08:59

I got divorced 18 months ago and it's taken me ages to work up the courage to go out with men again. Since my divorce I have lived very quietly, spending time with family mostly and some close friends, getting over what was a traumatic divorce. Around Christmas I decided I needed to get out more so I signed up to a website for meeting friends. It was quite crap, got some weird emails but I found a farmer about 45 minutes from me. I contacted him and we got chatting. We met for coffee on Christmas eve and got on well, he seemed a nice genuine sort of guy.

We started meeting every weekend for a meal out. I've visited his farm, met his teenage kids, and he chats to me most days on Whatsapp. I really enjoy his company and it's been great to get out for nice meals. But we've been seeing each for 5 months now and we haven't got past a hug and a quick kiss. Conversations about this have been very awkward - he says he's terrified of "moving to the next stage" but he doesn't want to lose me, wants to keep on seeing me.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm very nervous too about sharing my wobbly bits and I haven't slept with a man since my husband left. But I definitely would like to venture into a bit more than cuddle but this man is not making any moves. And I'm beginning to get a bit bored of Whatsapp chats about his cows. But I'm 56 and there's not a lot of men out there. Should I stick this and give him more time or should I move on and try something else?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/05/2018 09:06

If this is what it is like after 5 months then I would move on; he does not seem really ready to have a relationship at all and his fear about moving to the next stage is premature this early in a relationship. Do not settle for this man out of your own loneliness (it could be argued that you were introduced to his teenage kids far too soon as well).

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 09:08

There might be issues he doesn't have yet the confidence to talk to you about, maybe sexual problems in the past etc..

It's up to you really but since you seem to get on so well, isn't worth at least trying to get to the bottom of what the issue is? If there were problems, would you be happy to help him work through them or would you not be bothered? If the latter, than indeed, it would be better to move on.

The other possibility is that there is someone else in the frame. You've met his kids, so it's unlikely that he is two-timing you (assuming he introduced you as more than just a friend), but he could have feelings for someone else, hoping these are reciprocated and he doesn't want to make your relationship physical because he would then feel he had crossed the line.

ClaryFray · 20/05/2018 09:12

Why wait for him to make the move? You can. Don something sexy and have at it.

SummersB · 20/05/2018 09:12

If you met him on a website for meeting friends maybe that was/is all he is after? I think I would perhaps ask him if he would prefer to just stay friends and if so that you would start dating other men if the opportunity arose. I think a frank conversation is what is needed here!

trojanpony · 20/05/2018 09:28

Terrified of "moving to the next stage" Confused

It’s not like he is a virgin he has teenagers

Do you think he has ED or something?

It sounds like you are ready to move things forward I would have a chat with him

Original poster
lovemistymornings · 20/05/2018 09:30

He broke up with a long-term girlfriend last August, seems like it was very messy. She has moved in with new boyfriend and he says it's definitely over, no chance of getting back together, and I'm inclined to believe him. He does get quite stressed about this past relationship, says he is a "whole mass of insecurities" so I'm suspecting there may be sex issues. He is in his 50s.

I have also wondered if he was seeing other people - I asked him a while ago about this and he said definitely not, only wanted to see me! Loves going out with me, but wants to take things very slowly. But there's slow, and there's snail pace. I really don't know what i want to do, hence this post. Like this guy a lot, but then there's the farmer issue too - he seems to work 24/7.

OP posts:
kinseymilhone · 20/05/2018 09:35

I think if the "talk about his cows" is starting to bore you already then realistically he isn't the one for you. Farming is 24 hour, 365 days a year. It's not a job, it is a way of life. There is no down time, no statutory holidays or sick pay, no chance of making spontaneous plans, and even carefully made plans (weeks/months) in advance can go out the window at any given moment due to sick or calving animals. My FIL will start showing people pictures of his cows within about 30 seconds of meeting them whether they have expressed an interest or not Grin.

kinseymilhone · 20/05/2018 09:38

My MIL still struggles with many aspects of being a farmer's wife even nearly 4 decades.

forumdonkey · 20/05/2018 09:51

At the moment you're nothing more than friends. I'd tell him that you want a full and fulfilling relationship where there is sex and intimacy. If he still is reluctant to take things further I'd walk away.

Annabelle4 · 20/05/2018 09:56

That sounds more like a friendship.

I'm not sure what to say. You obviously can't put pressure on him, but I'd find that incredibly frustrating. It's nice to feel desired at least.
You could talk to him about it, but you shouldn't have to. I'd find having to do that a massive turn off.

VioletCharlotte · 20/05/2018 09:57

It maybe that you're not really compatible in terms of a relationship, it doesn't sound like there's much spark there? Why not have a chat with him and agree to be friends and just enjoy each other's company? Please don't just settle 'because there's not a lot of men out there.' It's so much better to be happily single than be in an unsatisfactory relationship. 20 years is a long time to be married, it's tempting to want to jump straight into another relationship, but maybe just take some time out to find out who you are, so things you want to do and learn to enjoy your own company?

category12 · 20/05/2018 10:05

Probably erectile dysfunction.

Original poster
lovemistymornings · 20/05/2018 10:39

kinseymilhone, that's it exactly. He has no days off, ever. Every day is a work day, and I've felt very flattered that he's gone to the trouble of arranging help with his cows so he can take time out with me. But I do very much enjoy our time together (despite long discussions about cows!), so feeling reluctant to push for more.

OP posts:
trojanpony · 20/05/2018 10:41

Is it possible she left him due to issues around itimacy?

He sounds like he has a lot of stuff going on and as someone with a lot of farmers in the family, if it’s a working farm I’d think twice.

He sounds like a nice friend but if you want to meet someone you can spend your life with it sounds like this is probably not the guy for you so maybe you need to have a conversation with him about it.

Marchinta · 21/05/2018 01:04

Keep him as a friend if you can - it sounds like you get on well socially and it’s hard to meet “nice” people at your level as time goes on.

Date others. Job jobbed.

Monty27 · 21/05/2018 02:21

Has he asked you if you are seeing anyone else?
I just would be exploring other avenues because he is clearly not getting you.

Sally2791 · 21/05/2018 05:46

Sounds like it's just friendship he's after. Have a full and frank conversation and if so, keep him as a friend and look again for a boyfriend

MarieG10 · 21/05/2018 06:04

With his busy like etc, he sounds better as a friend. It does sound though that he has some significant sexual issues currently and do you really want the hassle of trying to work through it with him. You read on here of women whose DP don't want sex and they miss the intimacy; well you are already at that stage so perhaps keeping him as a friend will remove the pressure, but explain why to him

MiniTheMinx · 21/05/2018 08:44

I would guess it's ED but could be

Him liking your company but no spark for him, he just hopes eventually that he will grow feelings.

He wants to take it slow because he believes building a better foundation is the right thing to do.

He is a commitment phone.

He was badly hurt and can't take risks now.

He knows that moving forward farm life is hard going and not many women would be really invested into this life.

Unless you really can see yourself working everyday, no time off, knee deep in sludge, up in the middle of the night helping with calving.....why even bother to push for the next stage.

Whatever his reasons for not pushing for sex, I think he's genuine. But are you? Can you see yourself devoted to this way of life? Or is it now just a case of there being so few really nice genuine men?

I wouldn't ask too much. If I really liked him I'd state my case. I'd say I wanted him, I'd say I really fancied him, I'd create the conditions for him to feel safe and know he can push things forward. But I'd not pry, or put him on the spot, it can backfire. But I would give myself a time frame, and I wouldn't tell him that, I'd just give him time, but ultimately only you know how much more time your willing to wait.

Annabelle4 · 21/05/2018 11:21

I've just re read the OP again and realised that you met him on a website for meeting friends

That really is enough to explain everything, IMO

Sugarplumps · 21/05/2018 12:45

If what you want from him is a more intimate relationship tell him that very very clearly, even if it's awkward, and say that if he can't reciprocate then you'll have to stick to friendship and start seeing other people. Maybe that will motivate him to make up his mind?

Original poster
lovemistymornings · 21/05/2018 23:44

Thanks for all the advice! Since my divorce I haven't been exactly tripping over nice men, and I am very nervous about trying online dating. And yes, we did meet on a website for making friends, so maybe I should just leave this at friends for the time being. I

OP posts:
bonnyshide · 21/05/2018 23:56

I think there's some sort of sexual problem, and after 5 months he should be able to be upfront with you.

I honestly think life's too short, move on. This is not your last chance at love.

Cheeseandwin5 · 23/05/2018 16:42

I notice many people are throwing the ED and sexual problems as if this can be the only reason Men don't want sex. He has told you he wants to take things slowly and after the trauma of what happened before I am sure he has his reasons. This is 2018- there is no reason why you need to wait for him to make a move. I always believe a frank conversation is needed instead of making assumptions and this will also him to understand what you want and need. Once things are clearer it will hopefully be easier for you to make a decision.

Original poster
lovemistymornings · 30/06/2018 11:07

Uggh, feeling so embarrassed now. I finally plucked up courage to have a conversation about where things were heading and was told he didn't want to take things any further with me.

Over the past few months we've seen a lot of each other and he has been messaging me every day, morning and night. Gave me lovely flowers for my birthday.

This is my first dip into the dating scene since my divorce and I'm feeling really confused. I liked this man a lot and liked that he didn't push me to move quickly but I had assumed (wrongly as I'm finding out now) that he had no interest in moving things forward.

Ouch, why is this so painful?

OP posts: