What happens when timing is bad

[Pandora79]

Good Morning.

I am a regular poster but have name changed for this.

8 months ago I seperated from my husband. A few weeks later I met another man through my best friend. He had recently moved out of his marital home too. We got on great and we casually dated. It didnt work out because we both realised we werent ready and needed time after leaving our respective partners. But it was fun while it lasted.

We did, however, remain friends. We talk several timeals a day, see each other most days, talk about everything and have a great time together. He has become one of my best friends. He always texts me first, remembers the small things, always listens when I need someone, goes out of his way to make me laugh when I am having a good day. He does things like buys me my favourite chocolate because he saw it in the shop and thought of me. No massive grand gestures. But small things that make me feel he cares.

Over the last few weeks, things have become quite different. We have both found ourseleves constantly in touch, if we watch a movie we end up cuddled up on the sofa, we hug, we dance together (only in my kitchen lol). Yesterday we spent the day together and it was so fun, he bought me a royal wedding teddy that I had pointed out earlier in the day and gave me it on the way home. Then last night he kissed me. I was leaving anyway, so went. I didnt know what to say.

We talked later, its clear that we both have strong feelings for each other. But neither of us are ready to be in a relationship. Both of our divorces are compliacted and we both want to box off the divorces before we do anything. On top of that, I dont want to get together with him, then loose him if it doesnt work out.

My ex husband is making life pretty difficult for me, if he finds out I am seeing someone he will cause chaos. He was emotionally abusive and wont let go. I cant drag my friend into the middle of this. I only know of his wife, through friends. He hasnt said anything bad about her, but our friends say she isnt taking the divorce well. I dont want to cause hurt to her either.

I feel gutted because we are so good together. We have so much fun. He feels like home. But the timing is awful.

I dont know wether to cut contact completely, until I am at least divorced (i dont want to do this, but dont want to end up falling into a relationship by accident) or to throw caution to the wind and start a relationship with him.

I know I deeply care about him but I just dont know what to do.

Any advice would be welcome.

If it were me I'd wait... you're going through a tough time at the minute and will meed all your strength to get through your divorce etc. A relationship may just complicate things. I had a similar thing happen to me. I was with a guy, met his friend, there was a instant attraction between us, which I ignored. My
Relationship ended.. me and the other guy started chatting.. but things kept happening and we didn't get together.. he had a child and a relationship.. I had other relationships.. and we'd occasionally message each other to see how we were but that was it. Time turned into five years and after another failed relationship I messaged him.. he was single too and we went out.. and still together now four years later. If it's meant to be it's meant to be. Love will find a way.

He sounds lovely. Little things mean a lot. Why throw a good thing away just because the timing isn't perfect?

I'd keep seeing him but take it very slowly and acknowledge why this is necessary for both of you. Keep talking and support each other but have space too, sounds very positive, good luck.

Slowly slowly catch a monkey. He sounds worth it. Keep enjoying what you have without labels

Sorry your ex’s abuse is continuing.

Your “friend” is not actually a friend, he’s someone you had a fling with and would like a relationship with. Not a good idea to rely on him at this time.

Exactly what a pp said; can't you just carry on as you are, enjoying each others company, until the time is right? Don't lose him. He sounds wonderful!

But would either seek a relationship with him and discuss both your situations, or reduce contact significantly and spend time with your family and friends.

Don't let him go! But play it slowly and gently rather than rush into a full on 'relationship'. Your ex has no right to put any demands on you.

Thank you all. I guess there isnt a reason we cant carry on as we are. Except i find it confusing. But maybe, I need to relax and just enjoy the time we spend together. Rather than trying to work out what our relationship is and worrying about it.

Thank you Dozer . I did expect him to continue trying to control me. But just mot for this long. I do disagree about him being a friend, though. I do, have lots of friends I spend time with too. My best friend (who introduced us) is amazing. Really supportive. She has helped me so much since my seperation.

She she isnt sure what I should do either. She sees how much we care about eachother, she says we will end up together but is worried about the bumpy road ahead.

Oh and I know my ex has no rights when it comes to me. But after a long marriage where everything I did was controlled, my instinct is still to try and keep the peace.

He has started turning up wherever I am. I see him in shops, when out driving (especially near my work) etc. I am hoping he will get bored soon.

Just take it really slowly. X

Your ex’s behaviour is stalking and against the law. Suggest seeking specialist advice.

I agree with posters saying that you can have a relationship with this man but take it very very slowly.

No talking (or thinking!) about moving in together or anything like that. Keep some days in the week free and don't see each other. Don't rely on him for your social life - make sure you go out with other friends, spend time on hobbies etc.

Don't throw it away. Keep it on the extreme downlow until you are divorced. It won't be forever but make sure you are not looking at it through rose tinted specs as you would be particularly vulnerable to that.

You’re both single and by the sound of it you could be happy together. Don’t end it just slow it down for now . You’re going through the same journey and supporting each other. Don’t end it! You only live once.

Dozer can i prove it though? Do I have to be able to prove it? Or just show a pattern that he is there often?

You are all right. Just needs to be really slowly.

And the rose tinted glasses is right. Thats one of the big reasons I wanted to stop dating him. I was worried I wasnt seeing things clearly and was vulnerable to making bad decisions. A part of me thought I would see a different side to him, when we were just friends. That he would show me a really negative side that I missed when we were dating. But its been the opposite.

Your new man sounds amazing. Don’t give up on him.

Your ex, how long did you separate? Tbh I’d be terrified if my abusive ex was following me around.

Please consider calling 101 and reporting him? Start keeping dates and times too.

The police will at least warn him to back off

How often does he text you etc?

He doesnt text or call often.

We have been seperated just over 8 months. I left the home and set up home elsewhere. The joint home sold very quickly. I got the majority of the house proceeds.

We also have 2 kids, 14 and 13. So some contact is required.

Is it possible, given your ex's character and behaviour, that he is tracking you..?

You're in a fragile emotional state right now and you're coming out of an abusive relationship. You're vulnerable. Take things slowly and focus on rebuilding yourself before getting into another serious relationship. This man may well be the prince amongst men he appears to be but equally he may just be doing a good job of playing the prince, as many men do in the early stages of a relationship.

Its possible he is tracking me. He has before using my google account. But i changed all that when I left. But who knows

And yes i am worried he is just putting on a show or that I am missing red flags. Thats why i know I am not ready for on relationship. I feel i cant trust anyone 100% anymore.