Husband says he wants a divorce...

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I have been married for 10 years, together for 17. My husband this week told me he wants a divorce; he alternates between saying he wants couple's therapy and saying we don't get on and should get divorced.

Overall there are issues but we have always had a strong relationship, and I consider my husband my best friend. He can sometimes be selfish though and suffers from depression and anxiety which can make him unpleasant to be around at times (when he is relaxed our relationship is good), but he does have a tendency to negativity which can be difficult and draining. He goes to a group to speak about his feelings which I think does more harm than good as it isn't mindfulness or CBT and instead just seems to feed his negativity; yet he thinks it helps him although it has never really sorted out his issues.

At first re saying he wanted a divorce, he said it was because I want kids and he doesn't and that he can't give me what I want and feels terrible about it (he said originally this is the major issue), and has now switched to saying that we don't get on and now says he has realised he doesn't love me. I'm not sure what to think, but don't really want to lose the person who is my best friend.

I'm 41 and we don't have kids (I never really yearned for kids but since I turned around 39 and my husband raised the issue (and said we should think about having one), I changed my mind and have been voicing that we may regret it if we don't try for a child. Since he originally raised the issue, he now says he doesn't want kids....

Re kids, I appreciate I may have missed that boat and decided previously that I valued the relationship enough to stay in it even if we didn't have kids. Yet, I have been open with my husband recently that I hoped he would change his mind. My husband now says he is phobic about having children and doesn't want kids because of his own unhappy childhood. It seems his counselling group have convinced him now that because of this issue, we will end up hating each other at some future point.

If the marriage ends, I wouldn't be desperately trying to have a baby with anyone for the sake of it, and I can't imagine meeting and getting to know anyone else enough to want that with them.

I am concerned that my husband has seemingly checked out of our relationship already (within a week, although he has been behaving distant and cold for around 3 months). He has around the same time started taking more interest in his appearance. I asked if he is seeing someone else but he says he isn't.

I do get the impression though that he is longing after the single life, wants to be free and pretend he is 25 again.

I'm not sure what to think, I wonder if the whole thing is his depression; he seems to think he's magically going to be happy without me and has told me this (he also no longer speaks to his mother, his dad or his brother and has cut them all out of his life), yet he says he is not depressed....

Or if this is a mid-life crisis (he turns 40 this year). Another part of me thinks he is running scared. I do feel my husband will regret it if he divorces me, but currently doesn't value me or our relationship at all. I'm not really sure where to turn next with the whole saga, I haven't told my family or close friends yet and am dreading that.

If you want kids make that your priority and tell your husband to shape up or stuff off.

To be honest it sounds like you don’t like him much, and that what he feels you dismiss, so maybe this is for the best?

Just wanted to let you know I'm two years down the line from a similar situation. I was married for 9 years and together for 16 years. We travelled the world and did lots of nice things and felt that we were happy. He mentioned about kids and we agreed that I would come off contraception, then six months later it was he didn't want kids and I did, so we wanted fundamental different things in life. It turned out my husband was having an affair with a young colleague at work and this was an easy card to pull. He told people (friends/family) this was the reason for our split and therefore it made him look less of a dick. I was scared and frighten but when he left I realised in was the unknown that frighten me. I feel much more emotionally stronger and confident in who I am as a person. I know it is difficult and the next few months may be rough but try to think about what he actually gives you and what you give him. I'm not in a relationship and haven't for the last two years and this has been a learning experience which I will value my whole life. Please do not give him the power.

Thanks for the replies.

I do love my husband and he does have some good qualities (he is entertaining, we do get on and have similar values on most things and he has a good salary), but unfortunately his depression makes him quite difficult to take, quite often and his behaviour can make me feel anxious at times and like I'm walking on egg shells.

Things were better when he was on anti-depressants but for years he hasn't taken these, and goes to his counselling group. So I do kind of think splitting up I may be happier in a way in the long run, as I wouldn't have to battle with his constant negativity which wears me down. I could also pursue some of my dreams, like living in the countryside (although I would have to take a bigger mortgage than I'd like and a lodger).

On the flip side, I would miss him and it seems counterintuitive to get divorced from someone you love and would miss. I guess I view marriage as kind of forever. And that your partner should be your best friend, soul mate etc. However, may be what I've been missing is that I'm not really getting the same back from him and he now says he doesn't love me even....although I'm not sure if he actually means it.

I am slightly terrified of being on my own, but since he dropped the bombshell I have realised I will survive. I do like to have a partner and know this about myself so would get out and date and find someone new (after taking a few months to deal with things). I am 41 but I'm still not bad in the looks department. Having had a previous 7 year relationship that didn't work out in my 20s (not down to the kids issue, my ex wanted kids), I am more cautious to just jump ship and think it will be the best thing since sliced bread, as I've done the whole dating scene thing before and know how hard it is to find someone you remotely gel with, (let alone anything else, and then I'll have this failed relationship and may not have kids in any case due to my age). Still I suppose you have to try to be optimistic re dating and there are great guys out there I'm sure (including someone who have kids and may be open to the idea of having more), so it may just a matter of meeting them.

I think a lot of people who are depressed feel unhappy and unfulfilled inherently as part of their condition, and it's very common to want to put blame for that outside of yourself (if I changed jobs / wife / car / life then I will be happy). I think that's the essence of midlife crisis, in believing that changing things around you changes yourself. He'd likely get divorced and suddenly realise he was still actually miserable. Sure - an affair or someone new might briefly cause excitement and butterflies which can masquerade as happiness but it's not really real and it take maturity to understand this.

If he's depressed and not medicating himself or working in ways to self care, then he's not participating in actually trying to improve his own happiness and he's instead blaming it on you. IE: "I have a condition which makes people miserable, but instead of taking the medicine, getting proper therapy or making lifestyle changes I am going to blame my wife, get divorced and expect everything around me to take responsibility for my own misery.

It's very selfish, but maybe not his fault. Human nature is to want to blame someone else for the crappy way you feel.

The best thing you could do is to leave him. I know you're scared of being alone, but it's easier than it looks and you're only 41 - you could be having an amazing time with friends, doing new things and even dating. I'd say to him " Ok, if you're so unhappy, be my guest and find a new life...adios chump, you're certainly no picnic to live with".

He can then either sink or swim.

Maybe he'll realise he loves you, that his depression and unhappy feelings aren't your fault and that he has thrown away a good thing, or maybe he won't. But I don't think he will ever realise while he has you on the hook like this.

It sounds a bit like he's blaming you and your accepting that :(

Sorry if this was a bit harsh on him, I do get horribly annoyed at 40 something men who think the answer to all their happiness and fulfillment is to delete their old life and make a new one. Almost invariably there was nothing wrong with their old life, they just didn't appreciate it!

Thanks winsomebutlosemost you've hit the nail on the head for me. I am starting to think that I may be better off out of this. And that by the time he realises what a mistake he has made, it will be too late.

I know I deserve better. I know he is blaming me for his unhappiness. He has had depression since I met him (I just didn't know about it at the time, and it has at some times been better managed than now).

In terms of leaving, that is a bit tricky. Hhe has moved in to the spare room and we basically avoid each other. We own a house together, which if he decides he wants a divorce will have to be sold. The only place I could feasibly leave to would be to my parents. I'm not sure there is much point leaving for a week or two as a protest as that is all it would be. I employ people and therefore can't just up sticks to be with my parents as they live in a different county. I also couldn't afford to rent a place on my own round here as it's v expensive, or would just be a room and have a pet so that is not practical. If we split up, I plan to move somewhere much cheaper once I have my half of the house money (bearing in mind what we have each put in to it over the years, getting half of the value should be possible). I have told him I'll want half of his pension and I'm getting concerned that he will go over whatever he can (I saw on the tablet he had been researching whether he's entitled to half of my inheritance), but I'm really not sure if he would get awarded that (nor whether I'd get awarded much of his pension since we have no kids).

So at the moment I am somewhat stuck, with him viewing me as some huge inconvenience and currently wanting to be footloose and fancy free. I've told him he should leave since he wants the divorce (he says he can't afford to but earns good money so that is not correct). I really think that he will ruin our relationship then realise he is no happier out than in, but can't control that.

I’d love your feedback.

I’ve been married just a year & a half & now have a 8 month year old daughter.
During early pregnancy & only having been married a few months, unfortunately we began to argue, I think on my husbands part it was panic that things had moved so quickly, but we are enormously grateful & he’s a fantastic father.

My daughter was only a few months old & my husband resorted to saying that he wanted a divorce, so we attended counselling for a few months & since Christmas we have got on so well, so much so that we looked at moving house only a month ago & he’s told his colleagues how happy he was....but a few rows here & there over finances have now swung him the other way to now saying he wants a divorce once again....I don’t know how to cope anymore, but know I deserve so much better than this unstable marriage, but I can’t get my head around how we can be looking at moving house & then this again.
With only being married such a short time & with a young daughter I feel devastated that this could be over, and feel I don’t know what to think, especially as he’s said this before & then things has turned around, but i feel now I don’t know when to take him seriously. I’d really appreciate your perspective x

@Sunnyday2020 - this is a Zombie thread from 2018.
You would get much more support if you start your own thread.

The truth is OP you need to stop stalling and prevaricating. This relationship isn’t going to last. Let’s be honest. So you can cut the cord now and have a chance at kids or you can drag it on for another few years until your chances are totally gone. You tell him it’s over today. Once this crisis is over you get yourself to an IVF clinic (start making enquiries now), you could be on your way to being a parent this time next year. Start focusing on what you want out of life or you’ll end up nearly 50 and regretting you didn’t do what we’re all telling you to do today. Hes checked out, naval gazing and disrespects you. What’s to save? You can still be friends but you can be friends with you being a mum too

I really don't think that being ''best friends'' is actually a reason to continue in a one sided marriage............

He has already ''checked out'' and seems to be 'trying on' various 'reasons' for splitting.............in an attempt to find 'the one' that you'll agree with

There's never a 'good' time to end a marriage, but there is a 'right' time, and that time is now I'm afraid :(

All the procrastinating in the world won't change the fact that he wants to be single again, so you'd best be tackling the finer details of the split.

I'm sure he won't want to move out, but you need to tell him that as you cannot afford to rent, and he can, he will have to be the one who moves out (when that can happen re Covid restrictions).

Until then, actively live separately. Do all your own shopping, cooking and laundry etc and draw up a rota for cleaning, using the lounge etc. Put names on kitchen cupboards to store your own food etc. In short, become roommates until he can move out.

Definitely have a long think about whether or not parenthood is something YOU want, and take any steps towards this if needed (freeze your eggs etc).

YOUR life is not a rehearsal, so why are you allowing HIM to set the music ??