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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating separated man. He says he may go back to his wife. Feeling so sad.

27 replies

armadillosauce · 19/05/2018 19:37

Dear mumsnetters,
Please give me some strong words to help me let go of the man I am seeing. A couple of months ago I was introduced to this man through some workmates. He is currently married, but separated from his wife for the past six months, and until recently this was heading towards divorce, so I tried not to think too much of it. I feel we have a strong connection, we get on incredibly well, have plenty in common, very sexually compatible and I started to fall for him. But last week he told me he'd been having second thoughts about divorce. He had separated due to a communication break down, and the feeling that he wasn't in love with his wife anymore. But now he wants to fully explore whether he can reconnect with her and whether their marriage can be saved. He says if not he still wants to explore a future with me, however I know if I am being truly honest with myself that this is a slim possibility. But, it's so hard to let go. We are trying to be in touch less but I struggle with this and find myself wanting to call him or text often to reassure myself or to get an explanation about his change of heart re his marriage. I know I should walk away and move on, but it hurts. Please help.

OP posts:
RayDropofGoldenSun · 19/05/2018 19:42

If not he'd want to explore a future with me

What, so you're meant to sit around twiddling your thumbs waiting to see if your through to the live shows?!

Jonbb · 19/05/2018 19:42

No offence but he's keeping you in reserve . . ..

RayDropofGoldenSun · 19/05/2018 19:43

I posted too quickly but PLEASE don't let him have this little respect for you. He should think you're so amazing, such a catch that OF COURSE you won't be free if and when he decides it's no good with wifey. Run and block ASAP

RainySeptember · 19/05/2018 19:44

That's sad op, and I'm sorry it's happening to you. I guess it's a lesson learnt, not to get involved with recently separated men. I think nc is the way to go, salvage your pride and move on.

Helpmeplan · 19/05/2018 19:45

Fuck that, time to download tinder girl

AuntFidgetWonkhamStrongNajork · 19/05/2018 19:47

I would assume his trial separation (if there ever was one) has gone well. I don't think he was ever single in a position to date you.

Original poster
armadillosauce · 19/05/2018 19:55

Thank you. Yes, I'm under no illusion he's keeping me in reserve as such, and I don't have the intention of letting him, but even accepting this, it still hurts like hello.

OP posts:
Original poster
armadillosauce · 19/05/2018 19:55

Or hell even!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 19/05/2018 19:57

I'm sure it does hurt, but he's put the cards on the table, it can't be ignored now. He's putting you second - you MUST put yourself first.

StealthPolarBear · 19/05/2018 19:58

Wish him and his wife all the best and walk away with your head high. He is still married.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/05/2018 20:05

Would his wife take him back knowing that he’d been having his cake and eating it? I wouldn’t.

Op you are armed with the knowledge he wanted to go back to her. Even if she says no you surely wouldn’t be happy being his back up plan? I’d struggle with this knowledge

Melliegrantfirstlady · 19/05/2018 20:06

He’s not right for you if he was you’d be together now

mumtoaboywhosgreat · 19/05/2018 20:12

His wife probably won't want him back

You shouldn't either now

Don't be someone's runner up prize. You'll always be scared she'll change her mind

RailReplacementBusService · 19/05/2018 20:13

Of course it hurts. He is plainly yelling you he wants his wife in preference to you and of course that stings. So chin up and move on.

Gemini69 · 19/05/2018 20:17

HE sounds charming... NOT Hmm

CocoaGin · 19/05/2018 20:19

You're his back up plan. Block his number and all forms of contact. He's treating you (and his wife) appallingly. Remove yourself as an option, cry, scream, dust yourself down and move on with your head held high. You can do this Flowers

ByeMF · 19/05/2018 20:21

As someone recently separated I am honest enough to recognise there's no way I'm ready to date other people. Your bf needed counselling but instead thought he'd be better off just connecting with the first woman he found a close connection with. It takes a long time to get over a broken marriage. He's an idiot and sadly it's you that's paying for it. He's a jerk. Have some self respect and walk away.

Nellia · 20/05/2018 06:51

Sounds like my dh tbh.

Same senario. Never thought about it from the ows perspective.

In my situation we had a clean break both tried to move on. It took dating someone else after the break for him to realise how much he fucked up in terms of how he communicates and he pushed to come back. Spoke about how lonely he was and couldnt cope without his family and just used the other woman to fill the void.

Of course he could have been lying but if not op and this is the situation you are in he was essentially using you and if it doesnt work out with his wife will come back to you because he cant cope with being a single person not because he sees you as anything special.

Hope that helps you get perspective to move on.

Dozer · 20/05/2018 06:56

Were he and his wife financially separated and living apart? Did he tell her he was in a new relationship?

Why are you “reducing contact”? No contact whatsoever best.

shammy1b · 20/05/2018 06:56

Hunny he sounded like what alot go through..perfect and then fucks off..least he told you tbf but you deserve soo soooo much more ok...hugs xxx

eightfacesofthemoon · 20/05/2018 09:56

It will hurt like hell but you have to walk away fully
If they don’t work out and he comes back to you you’ll always have doubts that he will do it again and you’ll never seem certain in the relationship

Evabe · 20/05/2018 13:24

Probably not what you want to hear, but when people split up from someone they aren't really over, it is easy to use other people as a distraction. I'm not proud to say I've done it myself unintentionally in the past.

It sounds like your new love interest isn't over his ex-wife. It may be a possibility that he never will be. If she doesn't want him back, that will even make it worse. Better to be out of this situation and to find someone without all that ongoing baggage.

Feckers2018 · 20/05/2018 13:32

You don't know what hes said to his wife. Bet she doesn't even know about you. Has he left the family home? If not then he has been lying through his teeth.
My h and I were apart for a while and he had a girlfriend but he said he would drop her if he came back. Which is what he is doing to you.
Move on and see what happens. But I suspect you won't.

Iftheshoefits · 20/05/2018 13:34

Don't be someones second best. You don't know if his wife knows he's been dating (althou if they were separated then fair enough ) but prob hasn't told her. Not fair to be put on the backburner. You are well out of it if that's how he treats women. Go and find yourself a decent geezer Smile

BubblingUp · 20/05/2018 13:38

Since the vast majority of married men refer to themselves as separated, it's best to never ever get involved with them as you have learned the hard way. Some are separated and they live in separate houses, or sleep in separate bedrooms or are separated in spirit or "essentially separated" (my favorite) or it's just wishful thinking on the man's part and they just want an affair.

Find your anger. He used you. He lied. He knew what he was doing. Even if he was honest to goodness separated, he will overlap the wife with other women - and enjoy it - for as long as he can get away with it. I'm sorry you are hurting. Hard lesson learned.

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