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Original poster

I don’t like who he’s become. Do I cut ties?

24 replies

Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 19:25

I have been close friends with a guy for 20 odd years, since uni days.

He used to be so lovely, kind, funny and generous. And a true friend. But about 5 years ago, he entered into a disastrous relationship where he ended up getting very hurt. She was very manipulative and married to boot. Used him as a plaything when her husband was out of town then dumped him from a great height.

Since then he’s become cynical and frankly pretty awful towards women. Watches a lot of really rough porn and generally behaves like an asshole.

I’ve tried to be patient with him and be a good friend, listen to him, try to convince him that not all women are like his married ex but he has made up his mind that all women are basically manipulative bitches.

He also keeps trying to have sex with me. As in make a move which I am getting really fed up of. This is a man who used to be so romantic and sweet. His last girlfriend, before this married woman, was a good friend of mine and he was a very good boyfriend. Unfortunately she ended the relationship as she decided to move abroad and didn’t want a long distance relationship and felt too young to settle down.

I do understand that he’s been hurt and it’s clearly taking him a long time to heal. But I am so fed up of his asshole behaviour that I want to go NC with him until he gets his act together and be the proper friend that he used to be.

WWYD?

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 19/05/2018 19:26

Easy. NC- and make sure you tell him exactly why.

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2018 19:29

Well, just tell him then! You'll be happy to resume contact when he starts behaving like a normal, respectful person. Until then he can whistle

ahouseofleaves · 19/05/2018 19:30

He also keeps trying to have sex with me.

Everything else aside, and not because some of it isn't troubling, if he isn't listening to you when you tell him no to having sex with him, then I'd step away.

That's pretty crucial.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 19:35

I have told him all of this but I don’t think he really believes I’d cut ties. He thinks that we’ve been friends for so long, that we’ll always be friends. Which is why I think I need to go NC to show that I am serious and mean it.

When I say he tries to have sex with me, I don’t mean he actually physically tries. I mean he keeps making suggestive comments and turns things I say into innuendo. It’s so immature. And either I want my old friend back or he needs to go.

OP posts:
ahouseofleaves · 19/05/2018 19:38

Ah, I see. I assumed, sorry.

But I would still cut ties.

RainySeptember · 19/05/2018 19:40

It sounds like you've made your mind up so just go ahead and go nc.

As an aside, I really can't believe that a sweet romantic guy would turn into a misogynistic, violent-porn watching creep who tries it on repeatedly with his disinterested friend. Not just because he's been dumped, that happens to everyone. Surely those traits must've been there all along, maybe he just cba keeping them hidden any more.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 19:41

I don’t know @RainySeptember. You could be right. But he really genuinely seemed to be a good guy before he met the married woman.

OP posts:
RayDropofGoldenSun · 19/05/2018 19:48

But the nice guy is just a memory now.

If you met him today you'd never think oooh I want to spend time with this guy

StripesandMars · 19/05/2018 19:54

he wasn’t a good guy if he was prepared to be the OM though?

Were there no single available women in the whole of the world for him to date when he was sleeping with another persons wife?

He’s shown you who he is: believe him.

I actually think the “sex” is incidental - some people are just natural drama Kings/queens and born troublemakers? They’re on a downwards spiral in life and you really don’t want to get involved.

I got rid of a male friend who despite coming across as a “nice gentle liberal alternative guy” when I first got to know him - lots of good conversations and shared interests.

just started getting weirder and weirder and more and more creepy and pushy and sexist the more “comfortable” he got with me.

I can’t overstate how much happier and lighter I feel since I went NC.

I think most of his other friends detached as well - he didn’t want to be in the social mainstream with normal people, he wanted to make trouble and play the victim and drag others down with him.

HarryLovesDraco · 19/05/2018 19:56

Stop wasting your energy trying to turn this nasty, misogynistic sex pest into the decent guy you think he used to be.

Caucho · 19/05/2018 19:58

It’s not really a friendship if he keeps on trying to have sex with you. It’s disrespectful if you’ve said no multiple times and he keeps on trying - unless you’re omitting info as I know some people get a kick out of having someone with unrequited love fawning over them. Just get rid. Sounds like a dick. The only reason why I put in that nasty sounding qualifier is that’s what most people would do unless they secretly enjoyed some aspect of it

Caucho · 19/05/2018 20:01

And maybe that’s what he thinks. Like she can’t be completely uninterested as she keeps on coming back time and time again. Unwittingly he might feel encouraged. Some people are thick and don’t understand anything other than fuck off

StripesandMars · 19/05/2018 20:03

Was it him telling you that his married lover was “manipulating him”?

He sounds like an attention seeking freak - a bit like my ex friend whod regularly come up with “poor me” anecdotes about how he’d been “victimised” whilst dating.

I’m quite a caring person so I’d sympathise, listen, believe him etc.

Thinking back, I think he made half the stuff up to get sympathy and manipulate me.

I now pay more attention to boundaries.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 20:10

Unfortunately she really was a manipulative so and so. We (his friends) all met her and thought she was bad news. Firstly because she was married with two small children when she was having an affair with friend, and secondly because she has a criminal conviction for fraud. But for some reason he was smitten and after she dumped him, he seems to changed him into a male version of her. Even though he hates her now.

We’ve all tried to help him but I just can’t do it anymore.

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 19/05/2018 20:19

I too had a friend since uni that I thought I was close to, though eventually we moved hundreds of miles apart. After years of seeing him only a few times a year, he got pissed during a visit, and revealed he collected Nazi memorabilia.

That was it for me. Never saw him again.

I would have said I knew him really well. But people do change or maybe they become more themselves. Either way you would be wise to get shot of this unpleasant man.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 20:37

Wow prawn! Thanks!

OP posts:
StripesandMars · 19/05/2018 20:47

The thing is you seem keen to “blame” the married woman.

But he was choosing to stay in this dynamic and get you and his circle of friends involved in his crazy attention seeking drama by introducing you to her

so that he could have a chorus of friends trying to “rescue” him as he played the innocent victim caught by some femme fatale character.

Unless he was particularly socially vulnerable or something, he was an adult man enjoying getting it off with this married woman and also enjoying having all his female friends (you included) be dupes as “shoulders to cry on” and giving him sympathy and attention for his self inflicted problem.

I think he sees you as an easy sexual target now as you probably enjoy the role of rescuer (something I used to do so no judgement there!) and feeling needed and important by taking on all his problems.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 19/05/2018 21:01

Actually I think you are spot on there @MarsandStripes

All except the part that I “blame the married woman” and that I am a “rescuer”.

I think he was an utter twat to get involved with her. And I CBA anymore to listen to his woe is me tale.

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 20/05/2018 05:59

If you want to stop talking to him, stop talking to him! Easy.

AgentJohnson · 20/05/2018 07:46

Being in a bad relationship doesn’t entitlement you to be an arsehole. This woman may have been the catalyst for your friend being an arsehole but the foundations were already there, back in the day he was just better at keeping it in check.

Cut ties.

HarryLovesDraco · 20/05/2018 08:07

Ugh at the idea of you and your group of (female?) friends trying to encourage him to stop being such a twat. Do you know how much satisfaction and validation he would have been getting from that?
Read about codependency and compulsive care giving.

Original poster
Anothernewnn · 20/05/2018 12:31

No no, not just female friends at all @HarryLovesDraco. A group of old university mates of both sexes. We’ve been a tight knit set for decades, hence why this is a dilemma for me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/05/2018 12:41

He knowingly got involved with a married woman and having deceived and betrayed her husband....what made him think he was so special.

She had no problem breaking her vows and he allowed himself to be used as her bit on the side. He was complicit in her cheating.

I'd be telling him in not interested in his views that all women are bitches.

He's taking that view rather than admit he was a fool and got played. He is 100% to blame for where he finds himself.

He can carry on like this and allow her to ruin the rest of his life...or he can take control, be a man and wisen up.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/05/2018 13:19

Yep, NC.

You really don't need to say more than that you're finding the constant sexual harrassment a little tedious.

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