Boyfriend wanting space - feeling crap.

[Percymademedoit]

My boyfriend of nearly a year (friend of much longer) is going through a divorce and is struggling at the moment with the loss of his past life and not living with the kids. He’s asked for some space as he was getting increasingly down and feels he needs to get his head together.

I understand his need for this space, I get it, but I am so bloody hurt and I don’t know how to come back from it? He is very much seeing us as still together (he took my car to the garage for me on Friday and we have 2 events next week he’s still expecting us to goto, still talking about a holiday we are booking etc)

I know it’s not been a super long relationship, but for various reasons it’s been intense from the beginning (probably partly why he needs space?) and I am struggling. I feel let down by him shutting me out, which is probably really unfair, but I don’t know how to not feel that way if that makes sense.

Help me not text him and get my arse through this period please, I feel crap :(

Have you thought that less than a year to get over a marriage and kids isn’t much time? Enjoy your time with him but keep your own life and friendships thriving too. Meet some friends, go and do something he doesn’t like doing. Keep you independence.

I agree with Rainy . Personally i would not reply to his text for at least 12 hours and say something like 'Oh hi sorry I hadn't seen this was out with 'one/ a few of your friends' was fun. Glad to hear you had a nice time with kids see ya soon.'

Pleasant, breezy, no pressure and you've not been pining for him. He must not know you pined for him. He will then most probably miss your easy company and all will be fine.

Dodgeball is my go to movie. You really can't not p**s yourself watching that one.

Blades of glory and Best in show are in a similar vein

He ended up calling last night and we had a huge fight which turned into quite a productive chat. He was explaining that he just needed space, but that he’d been feeling under massive pressure to come and see me all the time (we have been spending all day every day together / evenings etc - both self employed) I have agreed it was too much, because, well - it was. He’s upset because he said he thought I knew him, but that my reaction to him needing ‘space’ showed that I didn’t. I have tried to explain that I didn’t really know what the hell was going on, and that although he asked for space, he was still occasionally texting and I was really confused as to what was happening and whether actually, he just wanted us to split up.

I was trying to explain that him needing space was fine - if he had said, ‘love I just need a few quiet days to get my head together but I’ll miss you’ or something then I would have understood, but saying he missed his old life and sort of dropping me, was actually quite hurtful. It wasn’t what he did, it was the way he did it.

God I’m not sure I’m even making sense to you guys! I was saying to him that I was in his corner and that I loved him, and that what he needed was fine. BUT, what I think I have realised is that I’m not sure I have that affirmation back from him, and that I need to perhaps be careful not to end up just being a doormat. I say that, he did ask me what I needed as well, but it felt like an afterthought because we had only chatted about what he needed up till then.

I love this man, when we are good we are amazing, but we clash sometimes. I just assumed it was because we spend so much time together, but every time it happens it feels like he catastrophises and is half way out the door. Maybe I am just more committed than him because i am not going through a divorce and that’s understandably hard going for him.

I’m sorry this is long, I’m trying not to talk to people in real life as I don’t want their opinions of us to change. He said he loved me but that he felt a mess at the moment, but at points the conversation very much felt like a charachter assassination. I actually said is there much you like about me at one point. He wanted me to say stuff back to him, I was trying to explain that of course he was hard to live with at times, but listing past arguments or occasions he had pissed me off didn’t feel relevant to the conversation now as that wasn’t what the issue was.

I don’t know. On the plus side, my house has never been so clean and Ds is over the moon with the screen time he’s had this weekend!

He wants his cake doesn’t he. He wants to be in a relationship but wants his space. Like many men he can’t be single for more than five minutes but still wants the freedom and convenience of pissing off when he wants, essentially the ‘girlfriend experience’ or fwb plus.

There’s nothing stopping him from being single until he sorts his shit out but he’s chosen to be in a relationship and seems to think his ‘distress’ entitles him to call the shots. If you want to be on the back foot not knowing when he needs space and when you supposed to be his gf, then knock yourself out but it’s never wise to prioritise someone who sees you as an option.

Do not hang around waiting for him. Get a calendar out and start messaging friends and filling your calendar. Carry on with your life and if he can fit in when you're free then great, but you're not going to be hanging around and not doing anything in case he decides he wants to grace you with his presence.

Trying to have that attitude Cricrichan, I need to throw myself into not just waiting for him - not least because there is nothing sexy about a doormat is there? So hard though. I’ve been single since I was pregnant with Ds so I know I can do it, but it feels like I’ve forgotton ‘me’.

Hey ho. We are heading to McDonald’s now as I can’t be arsed to cook lunch, so Ds thinks all his dreams have come true this weekend to everyone for your help, I know I’m rambling, it’s just all a bit shit.

Go somewhere nice with ds afterwards.

He sounds as though he’s using you as an emotional bouncy castle - a safe space where he can work out all his frustrations and insecurities and fears about his marriage. What he’s feeling isn’t actually about you, if you see what I mean, but he is processing it by channelling his feelings in that direction. Do you see what I mean ?
I’m not saying this to argue that he’s a bad person or anything, just that I’ve seen it many times before. He clearly has a lot of feelings about stuff in general. Has he had or is he having any therapy or counselling ? If not I’d encourage him to do so.
I’d also take a step back and set some boundaries. Spending all day every day together sounds a bit like hysterical bonding (google it) and again is probably partly a response to his emotions about his previous relationship, divorce etc.

I would suggest you go back to more of a formal dating type arrangement where you set evenings/weekend days/whatever when you’re going to see each other in advance and stick to it. So you know when you’re next going to see each other but you also have some space from each other.

It sounds like it is not you he is rejecting, but wanting to slow down mixing his life with you and his life with his children.

When you are deep into a relationship, it can be hard to give that person the attention they deserve, whilst at the same time continue to give the full attention you have always given your children.

Maybe he noticed that his children needed him more or maybe something happened that made him think that doing things all together wasn't working.

What seems clear is that at the moment, he wants separation from both worlds, so you need to find out whether why and whether it is just taking a step back, slowing things down, or him deciding that mixing the two will never work.