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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

HELP! My sister hates my husband

17 replies

DodecahedronCat · 19/05/2018 18:58

My sister and I have always been extremely close, I would tell her anything and we have supported each other through some difficult times.

I’ve been with DH for 5 years, married 2 and have a 9months old baby.

DH is naturally a quiet person but has a lot to say if you spend the time to get to know him. He can be very quiet in big and loud groups.

My sister is very outgoing , she works in performing arts and is very very chatty and opinionated.

Sister and DH have never been close because their personalities are so different and I’ve heard from my mother she has described him as boring in the past. She also asked me before my wedding “how long do you think until you get divorced?”.

DH is a lovely , kind man with a good job and looks after me and the baby very well. No issues with anger/substance misuse or anything unpleasant.

Only issue we’ve had is when he was found to still be using a dating site to chat up women a couple of years into our relationship. At the time we weren’t having sex and things were a bit difficult. I told my sister all this as I was devastated when I found out and she was the one who convinced me to give him a chance. We went to therapy and all the issues have been resolved and we’ve been happier than ever , including the sex life ! He’s really proved himself and we discussed all the reasons he did what he did! My sister knows all this.

Sister recently came to visit and was very rude , quiet, moody and generally horrible to be around. Kept making nasty remarks about DH and how we had “a new life with the baby” and she wasn’t included.

She has since told my mother that I’m in an unhappy marriage and that DH has “done terrible things” to me. Which really isn’t true.

I’m devasted as sister was previously my best friend and it hurts that she seems to hate DH so much to the point she can’t even come to visit us without it being miserable . ( she lives abroad so no option to just see her for short periods)

What do I do? I’ve asked DH if he could speak to her and try to make peace which he has agreed to.

Note - sister has some mental health issues : ADHD, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety . She also hasn’t had a relationship for 6 years and I know is feeling very down because she has put on a lot of weight recently and is now obese . Having said that she still looks great and has a fun child free life . So I don’t think any real reason for it to be jealousy.

OP posts:

TheMythOfFingerprints · 19/05/2018 19:01

What is your dh going to be apologising for?

Starlight2345 · 19/05/2018 19:03

If you are close then I would talk to her. Maybe no matter what she presents she feels lonely and left out

Userplusnumbers · 19/05/2018 19:08

Why is your DH the one being expected to fix this - your sister is in the wrong and you need to tell her this.

I suspect the fact that you're happily settled with a child is causing her some jealousy and resentment, and she's making your DH the focus of these feelings because it's easier to 'blame' him than you.

I'd be furious if I were you, and I'd absolutely let her know how she's making you feel - her mental health difficulties don't absolve her of any responsibility for behaving herself

Original poster

DodecahedronCat · 19/05/2018 19:09

I don’t think DH has anything to aplologise for but sister is quite sensitive so I thought maybe if he spoke to her and apologised if he’d been interpreted as rude when actually he was just being quiet ??? I don’t know really I just want everyone to get along... or is that childish?

OP posts:

Teaandbiscuits35 · 19/05/2018 19:10

This screams jealousy to me. You're settling down and she's feeling left out. Your DH is the easiest person to project her hurt onto. Spend some time alone with her, or even have a heart to heart on the phone and tell her how much she means to you. Then tell her how much you love your husband and that he will always be part of your life so she needs to accept him before it drives a wedge between you.

LilQueenie · 19/05/2018 19:11

seems shes had issues for a long time seeing as she asked how long before you divorced. Is it possible you may not be seeing the real sister because you are so close to her?

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 19/05/2018 19:13

a new life with the baby

It sounds to me like she's actually jealous of the baby and is dressing it up as hating your husband.

zzzzz · 19/05/2018 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dobbythesockelf · 19/05/2018 19:19

You need to talk to your sister not your husband. He can't apologise for being himself. It sounds to me like she is jealous of you settling down and starting a family.

Original poster

DodecahedronCat · 19/05/2018 19:24

Yeah I never thought about what DH thinks about it all. I really don’t think he’s done anything wrong and as you all say it’s not fair to expect him to apologise for being himself, especially since being himself is just a bit quiet and not in anyway unpleasant .
I guess I’m just going to have to accept that maybe our amazing sister relationship might be over ?

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2018 19:33

I was going to say that she’s jealous before I even got to the last paragraph. It’s so obviously jealousy. She was jealous of your relationship (what an awful thing to say before you got married) and now she’s jealous of your family. Consciously or not she is trying to create issues in your relationship - or at least make everyone believe that there are issues - to try and make herself feel better about herself and her own life (it won’t work, of course).

Do you know anything about BPD? Tbh given that she has the diagnosis I’m surprised that you haven’t encountered more issues with her before (perhaps you have and just haven’t mentioned them on this thread) or educated yourself about BPD.

I suggest you read “Stop Walking On Eggshells” if you haven’t read it before.

As PPs have said, this is her issue entirely and your DH has absolutely nothing to apologise for. Maybe examine your desire for everyone to get along, some people can’t be pleased or appeased all the time - or only at the expense of other people.

zzzzz · 19/05/2018 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

twinkle999 · 19/05/2018 19:37

Tbf to your sister you told her all about how he was texting women on dating sites. She’s hardly going to think he’s a catch.

Original poster

DodecahedronCat · 19/05/2018 19:41

Thanks AnotherEmma... there have been other issues with her BPD before but never aimed at me. I’ve normally been the one she turns to so I’m struggling with being on this end of her mood/feelings etc. I will definitely have a look at that book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” because that is literally how it feels to be around her these days.
Poor mum took her on a lovely spa weekend which descended into an argument because mum offered to buy her a hair mask!!! BPD is horrible . She’s had loads of issues with housemates/friends/jobs and it’s always everyone else’s fault 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

DodecahedronCat · 19/05/2018 19:45

Twinkle - I agree but it was a few years ago now and there were other issues on both sides. We worked through it and she knows all this. All relationships have a few bad episodes and we’ve come out stronger, I don’t expect her to think he’s a catch or be his beat friend by full on hating him I think is too much. She was also the one who encouraged us to stay together and work things out after those issues. Also some of her commnts about divorce and him being boring we’re before all that drama!

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 19/05/2018 19:46

Yes I agree it’s horrible, I think it’s tragic really because the person with BPD feels desperately lonely but they push everyone away due to their behaviour, they just can’t seem to understand that - or perhaps on some level they do but it’s too painful to accept and too hard to change
However, being close to someone with BPD is also very difficult and you do have to establish some healthy boundaries so as not to get dragged down with them and damaged in the process.
Hope the book is helpful, iirc i think it’s aimed at people in a relationship with someone with BPD, but should hopefully still have some useful content.
Have you seen the Stately Homes thread? It has a good list of resources on it.

40isnew50 · 19/05/2018 20:05

My sister hates my husband. Made a wild accusation about us both when ai was pregnant with DD and refused to apologise. We haven't spoken in over 12 years. She has form though. Tells people I am not "allowed" to speak to her and my DH chooses my friends. Told people years ago I had been raped when I hadn't. She has issues but we were close - I loved her and always stood by her. Not this time though.

At the end of the day your life is with your DH and your kids. What happens in yoir marriage is not your sister's business and she is being out of order by treating your DH this way.

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