I'm a long-time user, recently name-changed.
I'm having a bloody awful day and don't have anyone I can talk to in real life. Sorry but this will probably be long...
Almost ten years I met a guy at work (let's call him Jon) and immediately fell for him. We had to spend lots of time together and, despite him having a girlfriend, ended up having what I now know is an emotional affair. I know this was an awful thing to do: we both behaved selfishly and there's no excuse for it. I was absolutely obsessed with him, and he with me, to the point that it affected my work and my health.
After about 9 months of this and on the advice of my therapist, who believed he was very bad for me, I ended things and found a new job. I also started dating someone else (B). I genuinely had feelings for B - we'd been friends for years before we started dating, and we were happy together.
Shortly afterwards, Jon broke up with his girlfriend and asked me out. He told me he'd broken up with her because of me and that he hadn't told her how he felt about me. I don't know if those things are true.
I told him I was seeing someone else, and he was very angry, and we cut contact. This wasn't an easy decision to make: I still thought about him a lot, but felt healthier not being around him, and I was happy with B.
I later heard through mutual friends that Jon had met someone else, and about 4-5 months later moved abroad to live with her and her family. All this was in 2010-11.
I think it's probably relevant to say that B dumped me in 2010 and I've been single since then. I think about Jon a lot, but I've had no contact with him since. Occasionally mutual friends (who don't know about the emotional affair) will tell me his news, but so far I've managed to avoid seeing him when he comes back to the UK.
Today I got a text from one of those mutual friends telling me that Jon is back for a few days, with his partner, and do I want to meet them all for a drink. Obviously I don't want to go, and have made an excuse - but I'm really worried about how I feel today.
When I got the text, I had a massive panic attack and have been crying most of the day. I feel incredibly upset, regretful, 'not good enough', angry, guilty - it's like a dam has broken and I can't cope with how I feel. I'm still having therapy, but my therapist is away for three weeks so I can't talk to her about this. I'm also on medication for anxiety, but this feels way stronger than anxiety.
Can anyone help me unpick what's wrong or why I'm feeling like this? It's been seven years!! Why does he still affect me so strongly? Why can't I put this behind me?
I really don't know what to do - I'm struggling to get out of bed. Thanks in advance.