treated like a spare part

[maabaa]

When we got married we bought a house in the nearest village to the farm so that in a few years time the inlaws could retire into it and we would live at the farm.
Fast forward 9 years still living in village, a life I never wanted ( only ever wanted to live on farm), husband I never see, FIL not fit for the work so hubby does it all himself. Mil hates me and not welcome in house.

Mil diagnosed with an incurable illness last year, ideal time for them to move to enjoy last few years, no spent an fortune on making the house wheelcar friendly, so no chance of them ever moving.

The estate the farm is on was due to do up houses on the estate which we were hoping to get one, but they've put this on hold.

meanwhile I also have my own flock of sheep ( the only thing that keeps me sane) that I have at my parents as they stay nearer than inlaws, but I have little or no control over them as at the end of the day I get to keep them there if I spend my time being the dogsbody. I also have to work part time in a job I hate to keep the house I hate living in.
Its getting to stage now where we are speaking of splitting up. If that happens he gets everything he ever wanted, moves back home and farms and I get stuck in the house I don't want, only other option would be to move back home but with 2 small children not going to work.

Were the in laws on board with your plans about retiring and moving away from the farm? Seems like everyone has different expectations here. At the end of the day it's IL's farm and if they want to stay there till the end, it is their choice, although is they made you expect otherwise prior to the wedding, then you have every right to be annoyed. Sounds like you need an honest conversation with your husband about what's going to happen next. You can always sell the house and move elsewhere

No offence but what makes you think you have the right to the farm?

And how can you hate living in the village when presumably the farm is also the same kind of rural living?

The issue here is that you want to be the farmer and not the farmer's wife. Why aren't you currently out farming with your husband if he's doing all the work? The house is inconsequential.

Time to find yourself some grass keep or something like that and do your own farming...

Before you think I don't know what I'm on about, my mum was stuck in the house "with the kids" when all she ever wanted was to be out farming. She blossomed once my dad died. Don't leave it and be consumed.

Look at the lives of Hannah Hauxwell and Amanda Owen strong farming females.

The in-laws retiring was there plan. A few years and change houses. There was a chance of buying a small holding along road to farm years ago but I got told to forget it as we would be moving. I try to move my sheep out of my parents every year but around here without buying which is like hen's teeth, one place in last 9. Can only get short term grazing which is even further away than parents. I might have to be parents dogs body as well as paying for grazing but I would say it more secure in terms of being dog walker free etc than anything that comes up for let around here. So probably least of my worries.
Moving away from here isn't an option unless I go alone.
9 and a half years we've been married and never once have we had Sunday lunch together at home. Didn't bother me pre children I just filled my time but now we have kids and he refuses to come home for lunch even just once a week, right now I'm lucky if he's home for supper 3 times a week. He gets feed by his mum, I'm not welcome in house so can't even go up there. that was after I went up and stayed during lambing time with him and took kids with me, she was in hospital and when she got home to get out because youngest around 8 months at the time was crying and she also told me oldest 3 who heard this was wrong in the head but since my brother has issues it was no surprise. Nothing wrong with him and my brother had depression. And before I get accused of anything she had been told I was there helping with lambing and cooking for everyone. I do what I can to help him on farm but that's limited when your not welcome in house. I do paperwork and such and turn up at sheep pens to give him a hand when I can.
Am I really being so unreasonable that I'm fed up the situation we're stuck in.

Wow your dh never really left home did he? Certainly isn't committed to you /his dc. If you get divorced would you financially be better able to have the life you want alone?
Effectively you are already a single parent.

Sounds like a horribly disappointing life and that your husband has let you down. He is not there as a partner or a father. You are being thwarted in your vocation and seem deeply unhappy. It is time to really consider your future and to take control and perhaps give up what looks like a false promise.

TBH I think your ILs are never going to let you live on the farm whilst they have stake in this world. You could issue an ultimatum to force the issue. I don’t usually think ultimatums are the right answer but in this case it might give you the clarity you need from them.

If you want to be a farmer you need to make your own plan and one based on certainty. Your husband will need to either deliver his promise or accept the plans you make. These don’t have to include him but give him the option.

In fact I wouldn’t even hanker after the parents farm. Tell him and them you are no longer interested and that you see the future elsewhere doing what you want. I’m not sure you have a lot to lose.