Why do we let them treat us badly?

[notagain2018]

Just that really? I came out of a 16 year relationship where my ex wasn't very nice to me. I should have left him long ago but, I got there eventually. A year later I met someone online. He was quite intense at first but I was drawn in cos he said all the things I wanted to hear, was attentive, loving etc.
Four months later I suspect he leading me a merry dance. Cancelling dates without any real explanation but trying to convince me nothing is wrong. I messaged him at 1pm asking if we were still seeing each other tonight. I'm sat here, like a saddo waiting for his reply.
Deep down I know he's no good for me, so why am I sat here waiting on him bothering to respond to me?
Why can't I just ditch him now, which is what I know I should do?
After 16 years of a bad relationship, I know I don't want another one. Why do I find it so hard to do the right thing for me, and end it?

The title should read "why do I let them treat me so badly" although I have friends who do the same.

Who is we? We don't all let them treat us badly.

I was in a crap marriage that I tolerated for far too long. Partly because of the children, partly because of lack of support elsewhere and partly because of fear of the unknown. Oh and partly because I'd been brought up to believe that the biggest failure a woman could endure was the failure to keep a man...

I will never tolerate anything coming close to that again. I'm single and will be for the forseeable.

I have a mental blackboard. I do forgive (because no one is perfect) but I don't forget. It gets recorded on the blackboard and I do operate a 3 strikes rule.

If it was an immediate dealbreaker, I'd just walk away - e.g. cheating; racism/homophobia; criminal activity; controlling or misogynistic behaviour. Sometimes, it's something that isn't a dealbreaker but is an amber flag instead and that gets recorded. I guess it wouldn't be an issue in a longer term relationship because, if there were no red flags/amber flags/3 strikes in the first few months, then they would be unlikely to come.

After 4 months, I would just end it. In fact, I'd have ended it before now given what you've said.

What is it you're scared of? Being single? Being too hard on him and letting a well concealed good one slip away?

Ah... x post but it still stands. I know that a lot of women put up with men treating them like shit!

I won't go into detail but he has a lot of bad stuff going on his life at the moment. I'm not making excuses for him but I'm making allowances for this all too often now. I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt but its getting harder to do this.
I suppose I am scared of being single again, not meeting anyone else etc - all the usual things really. I'm annoyed with myself for letting him suck me in and now its going to sh*t, my feelings are clouding my judgement.

I had a 10 year abusive marriage and have just ended a shitty two year relationship. I'm asking myself the same question but at least we end them. Lots of people stick with relationships no matter how unhappy they are. I'd say that's worse.

StripyRug I like the idea of the red/amber flags. No red flags yet but there have been a few of amber flags. This weekend being one of them.
I will start recording them now. But, unfortunately, I think I already know this is not good for me but I'm struggling to let it go.

Ok, you don't have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Everything he says to you might be 100% true and accurate. But you do not have to accept it in a relationship.

You read on MN a lot the sentiment of not owing anyone a relationship and it's not until I experienced it that I really got it. It doesn't matter if he is going through an awful time in his life. It is not your responsibility to put it right, or help him through it or sort it out for him or put up with the negative impact it's having on you.

A relationship isn't a requirement or a duty or an obligation. You enter into a relationship because you want to enhance your life. Your life isn't being enhanced by this man.

Yes, once you have made a commitment to someone, and you love them, you support them through the shit. But this cannot be the basis of your relationship. Especially when he is treating you so disrespectfully.

You say you are fearful of being single but that would surely be better than sitting in at 4.30pm on a lovely warm Saturday afternoon with not a clue what is going on this evening. Or whether you're seeing him. Or whether he'll cancel again...

I'm single. I know what it's like. I'm going out tonight. On my own. To a pub I like where the beer is good and they have live music.

It is fine to make allowances for someone but at the point at which it is impacting negatively on you, your life, your happiness, your wellbeing, then it is time to end it.

Of course, you'd like to be in a loving, supportive and respectful relationship; it would be lovely. But that's not what you've got.

If you were honest with yourself, how many incidents/ambers are on your mental blackboard?

How many times has he cancelled without a real explanation? How many times has he left you not knowing what the plans are?

I get it's hard and, when you care about someone and are attracted to them, your mind whizzes with all the possibilities and the "what if..?"s:

"what if he actually really loves me and I throw it away?"

"what if in 6 months time, I'm the happiest I've ever been?"

etc.

What I have learnt over the last 25 years of being an adult is that if you are relying on "what if..?"s to justify staying with someone (especially after 4 months), you need to end it.

I have a very dear friend whose relationship has red flags all over it. She sees it as an act of strength that she supports him and facilitates him. It's been like that since day one. They are still together but, three years down the line, she rarely sees her friends; has dropped most of her hobbies and has had warnings from work about her sickness record. All because of the stress/work this man brings to her life. But, hey, at least she's not single...

StripyRug thank you. That is really helpful actually. I know his problems are not mine and its not my responsibiltiy to help him. I think I'm starting to see this more now. I have a lot of thinking to do now.
Funny thing if, if this were a friend telling me all this, I would advise her to cut her losses!
I know being in a bad relationship is way worse than being single, I did it for 16 years. I am starting to wonder if there are actually any men out there who don't have problems!!