This is likely to be long, but I'm interested in objective opinions. I will try to give an unbiased opinion.
First, I will say that I have recently been made aware that I have some of the traits of Aspergers. I have not yet been diagnosed, and it may be that I am not diagnosed with it - but the fact remains that I do have some symptoms. Mostly this affects my social skills, but also means that if I don't want to do something the way I say no 'shuts the conversation down' - and this certainly will be some of the cause of our issues.
G/f and I met almost a year ago. From the start it was pretty volatile but for various reasons it didn't end. It felt to me like she complained about everything, and often seemed to want to argue for the sake of arguing - even over things that most people would just think 'that's a bit annoying', shrug off and carry on. However, I now believe part of that was probably due to her frustration with some aspects of my personality.
Recently (last few months) things have been much better. We do have disagreements but they are much less of an issue and much shorter. The physical side is something we've both always agreed is great, and the emotional side was beginning to catch up. She believes that we should get engaged, or at least move in together. I'm not ready for those things - I'll explain why - but we have been spending almost every evening together at hers as a step towards me moving in at some point.
But......
I have always felt slightly wary, because of her ex. Need not even the most recent ex - although there have been issues with that one too - they split up 3 or 4 years ago. I believe they were together for about 8 years. Not married, no kids together - but both had kids that were about 8 when they meet and hence were like step children.
When we started going out, they saw a lot of each other. Virtually every day. He texted her good night / good morning. She admitted he was still on love with her and wanted her back. She also told me that the night we met, he had been texting her because he'd been driving past her house several times during the evening and since her car wasn't there, asking where she was.
About a month into our relationship, he admitted to her that he'd been hiding the other side of the garden fence while we were outside. He made threats against me and said he would damage my car. Apparently, he also assaulted her - enough that she called the police.
He was taken to court (November) but not found guilty. However she did get a restraining order which she wanted. She hadn't talked to him for a few months before that, and continued to have virtually no contact with him - just the odd message through her daughter.
However, during this time he sent her Christmas presents (hundreds of pounds worth), flowers when she was ill, flowers for valentine's etc. She said she couldn't reject them because they were all sent as if they came from his son, and she didn't want to upset the son....
About 2 months ago, she started having contact with him again, and started playing golf with him. I got increasingly stressed about it and we had a conversation about it around 4 weeks ago. During this, I said that he had to stop behaving as if he were her boyfriend. The presents, flowers etc had to stop. She said she understood. She would tell him that their contact was purely for golf, no more morning / evening texts etc. Purely golf partners. She would only ever meet him in public places.
A couple of weeks ago, I was busy on the Saturday and she was supposed to be playing golf with him. That didn't happen - he ended up at her house (I kind of accept the reason) and stayed for their BBQ. I was only invited over later.
Yesterday was his birthday. I fully expected her to find an excuse not to see me. At the start of the week she said his son was visiting but because the ex was working, she'd be taking the son out for dinner. I pointed out it was a coincidence that it was her ex's birthday. She said she thought that was today, she always gets the dates mixed up and anyway he wasn't going to be there, he was working etc etc.
Last night she called me on the way home - surprise surprise, he got out of work early. So it was him, her, her daughter and his son having a nice birthday meal. And yes, she did buy him a present.
We fell out about it and have pretty much split up unless we decide to try again (which basically means I accept their relationship).
Her view : they are just friends. She doesn't feel anything romantic for him, and she can't control how he feels (although she claims he's moving on now). Plenty of people are friends with ex's. Taking a friend out for dinner for their birthday is normal. Buying a friend a present is normal. Having contact when you brought your kids up together is normal. She would never cheat on me (from a purely physical perspective, I believe this). I am controlling and blackmailing because I'm saying that I don't accept their relationship and will split up with her because of it.
She seems to think that everything is OK as long as she doesn't sleep with him.
My view: Plenty of people are friends with their ex's - but plenty of people's ex's are not obsessed with them, threatened violence to their partner, assaulted them and have restraining orders in place. Wanting to continue being friends after all that makes me question why, and just how important he really is. Plus, agreeing the presents etc should stop and then buying him one is crossing a line. The contact has increased very quickly and I believe it will soon be back to how it was in the beginning.
All of this means I never really trust her - and that means I would be reluctant to make life changes.
Apart from the ex, everything was really getting good. It's an odd situation - we clearly have differences and we have had issues which would cause many people to split up - but we genuinely seem to have solved most of them and it does make me wonder if we really could be very good together. Apart from this one.
So am I overreacting and controlling? Given that I am sure they won't ever sleep together or even be a couple again - am I making a mountain out of a molehill?