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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I’ve lost everything

10 replies

lorayne22 · 19/05/2018 10:47

I’m female and just turned 50 and this week lost everything. My partner, my home, My life, my future and I’m broke and it’s all my fault. I have a drink problem that again only admitted this week after it reached it pinnacle and took everything I loved. I assaulted my partner after consuming 3 bottles of wine. Over the months I lost my job, going through menopause and I’ve been on a downward spiral and my drinking was out of control. We were a female couple of 3 years and I adored her. She has gone for good and we had a two year private rental tenancy that we have only had for 4 months. I can’t afford to live here and don’t want to live here without her and it’s rural. I am
Consumed with grief, shame, uncertainty and just don’t know if I can rebuild my life or even if I want to. I have even considered ending my life. I have contacted AA but I don’t even think i want to continue my life without her. I do have a loving family but I am refusing to see them as I just want to be on my own. I hate me and what I have done. I don’t think I can come back from this.

OP posts:
pudding21 · 19/05/2018 10:52

You can, but you know what you need to do. You need to stop drinking and work on your issues. Reach out for help, you can stop this cycle now. My sister has just been through this, lost custody of her son, her driving licence etc. She's been getting help, hasnt drunk for seven weeks and no worries she needs to try convince her son she will continue and try get him back. It's not easy, go see your gp, get help. Or continue and die a living death.

Good luck, you can't change the past but you have a say in your future.

springydaff · 19/05/2018 11:05

Go to AA.

You will meet many like you, with the same desolate and gutwrenching stories.

One day at a time you will learn to live again without the booze and to be a valuable and valued member of society.

Go to AA - today, tomorrow, the day after etc. Go every day for the foreseeable. Isolating, which is what you are doing, is a key characteristic of addicts. Step out.

You can do this. Your family love you, don't hurt them any more Flowers

springydaff · 19/05/2018 11:09

UK meetings

CocoaZut · 19/05/2018 11:28

Get help for your drinking and work out why you drink to stop free falling. You got a loving family and that’s a starting point as well... one day at time. Good luck and wish you well.

Wherearemymarbles · 19/05/2018 12:11

My best friend is an alcoholic.

He hit his rock bottom and in a moment of sobriety realised everything that was shit in his life was because of alcohol. He has been sober 5 years now and after 20 years i have my friend back.

Maybe this is your rock bottonm. Go to AA. There has never beem a human born who is worth killing yourself over.

HectorlovesKiki · 19/05/2018 13:26

I too have struggled with booze - it didn't mean I was a bad person, just a very troubled person who desperately needed help.

As you know, this entire mess comes down to one issue - your alcohol consumption.
No judgement from me.

Have you ever considered why you drink to excess?

I think there are two reasons why people end up with drink problems.

ONE is that people often turn to alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, sex etc, as a source of comfort, to deal with life's stresses and problems, things or incidents they find difficult or impossible to deal with. Also, PTSD suffers or those who have been traumatised, albeit in childhood or in adulthood..

TWO is that some people simply drift blindly into being an alcoholic by drinking regularly, needing more and more alcohol to reach the same nice feeling, they're drinking becomes more important than other things in their life and before they realise it, they are addicted and have a major problem with alcohol which they had never anticipated.

The first scenario involves resolving the underlying problems to a satisfactory conclusion and only them can you start to deal with the alcohol issues.

The second scenario simply involves giving up alcohol. I say simply, but there's nothing simple abut it.

Drink is a depressant so your thoughts at the moment will probably be pretty low, added to that the break up of your relationship and everything else that's going on in your life, you must feel completely, totally overwhelmed and emotionally shattered.

Be kind to yourself, forget the self shaming and negativity. You are a beautiful human being who is struggling currently. You wouldn't berate a friend in similar circumstances, you would support them and utter wise and kind words. Be your own best friend. Go easy on yourself. So you have a problem. Who doesn't? Problems can be resolved.

You are now about as low as you can go so things can only go one of two ways.

Firstly, you can take the view that things can only get better.
Hopefully you can accept this complete change in circumstances as a challenge, an opportunity to rewrite your future, perhaps train for a job which may be more suited to your talents and passions. (Everyone has them, if you probe deeply enough.)

Secondly, you may decide that it is just too hard to change and you continue along your path of destruction, which will result in early death but huge personal degradation and humiliation before you reach that point.
Only you can decide which path to follow.

Millions of people have been in very dark places due to alcohol, often wishing they too were dead but have managed to completely turn their lives around.
Some failed many, many times before they were successful but they never, never, never gave up giving up. Like them, I never, never, never gave up trying and I got there in the end.

Some only seek a solution to their problem when they have reached rock bottom. Nowhere else to go but up. Sounds like you hun.

Some don't manage to kick the habit. It's not easy but it is possible.

There are many different organisations to help with alcohol addiction. AA is not for everyone. You are not on your own. Go to your GP. Find out what is available in your area. I know you're a bit rural but there are phone services, counselling services, Antabooze (Antabus /Disulfiram) tablets. Maybe you could be referred to a rehab centre? There are all sorts of groups available, if you look for them. If you reach out for help, you will get it. You just have to accept it.

Maybe this is not the right time for you to give up, maybe it is the ideal time, I don't know.

Only you can make that decision.

I wish you all the best in your life and try to look after yourself.

pointythings · 19/05/2018 13:42

I'd say go to AA but also go to your GP to look at a referral for your underlying feelings - attack the problem in tandem. And yes, do go to a meeting every day, you will feel less alone. Withdrawing from life is what alcoholics do - my STBXH is doing it; he doesn't answer his phone for weeks on end and we are all worried about him, but we can't help him, only he can.

And you can help yourself and rebuild. Let this be your rock bottom and climb back out. You're only 50 (I am too) and you could have so many happy years ahead. Good luck.

lorayne22 · 19/05/2018 14:48

Thank you everyone for such amazing words of advice and wisdom and yes I am rock bottom. I can truly say from the bottom of my heart I cannot get any lower than I feel right now. I know it's only me that can pull myself up but I haven't got the energy as every aspect of my life is in ruins. Every last bit of it. I have nothing. I'm a disgrace and an embarrassment. I don't want a life without my partner she was my life and I pushed and pushed till she fled. I'm pathetic and a self destructive person. Sorry for my negativity but there is nothing left for me to love for. I'm in debt. I will be taken to court for breaking the tenancy agreement that I can't honour as I can't pay the rent in our beautiful home. I have no money. I have lost my home. I lost my job. I am going through the menopause. I have gambled. I have no car. The phone is use is my partners mothers. I was arrested on Tuesday night for assaulting my beautiful kind thoughtful partner all because I became a self destructive maniac. A heated arguement turned physical. I have to admit I've never done that before but I lost all control after 3 bottles of wine. I was vile. I am vile.

OP posts:
CollyWombles · 19/05/2018 15:01

Get to your GP and the AA op. My DH lost me and his step children for two years after a final straw when he wouldn't let me back in my own house and was restraining me whilst laughing in my face. Unfortunately I wasn't his rock bottom, but losing his mum to alcohol the following year, was. He went to AA, saw GP and got Antabuse and has now been sober 10 months. We are back together, he is back at work and I am very proud of him.

You cannot quit drinking for your OH however OP. It won't work. You have to quit drinking for you. Feeling sorry for yourself is not going to change a single thing. Your drinking is damaging other people, your concern should be for them, not for yourself. You have lost everything because of your choice to keep drinking. You can choose not to and get the help and support you need to do so. Get your life together and maybe, just maybe, she will come back. Just now, what has she got to come back for? A self pitying alcoholic that is showing no actions that would make her feel she could begin to try rebuild trust again.

People can and do kick the alcohol. People can and do turn their whole life around. It's hard, but your alternative is just to continue as you are. Taking your own life is ridiculous. Sorry but it is. You have already assaulted your OH, now you want to put her through the agony of suicide too? That will be fine for you, you will no longer be alive to feel any suffering, but your OH will.

I know this is harsh OP, however it's meant well. You have to fully face up to what's happened, why it's happened and take action. Make those changes, you are worth more than a life of alcohol.

springydaff · 19/05/2018 15:10

Who you are and what you do are two different things. What you did may have been vile but that doesn't make you vile.

If you can't save, or hold onto, your life for you, PLEASE do it for those who love you - not least your ex, whose life would be forever blighted if you took your life. Don't hurt those who love you - suicide is agony for those left behind who, frankly, never recover.

You really are not the first - or sadly the last - to fuck up your life like this. Hoards and hoards have done this; either using booze, or drugs, or food, or gambling: blah blah blah it's all the same. There are many of us who have destroyed our lives due to an addiction.

Go to AA. Go today, this afternoon, this evening - there will be a meeting near you. You will meet many (great) people who are arresting their addiction one day at a time. You won't be on your own..

Or do you want to be on your own? To lick your wounds and beat yourself: no one is worse than you. Well you're wrong there.

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