A virgin into later life

[LiteraryDevil]

I've just been reading this article and it's left me feeling very sad.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-44143003

I posted weeks ago about whether or not it was considered a red flag for a man not to have had a long term relationship/marriage/kids by his 40s. The replies were mixed. This article has given me a different perspective though.

The people telling their stories don't have anything in their pasts to 'explain' why they are still virgins. No red flags that I've read.

What struck me most is how sad and lonely they are living an affection free life. It's not just the sex they haven't had, they are devoid of affection in relationships too.

We live in such a sexually orientated society and it must be extra difficult having that pressure to be 'normal.'

I know many people say they are happy not to have sex again but to not have had sex at all is something I never personally thought of being an issue. I wrongly assumed that all physically/emotionally/intellectually capable adults would have had sex at least once. I feel bad for my assumptions and my judgment after reading the article and very sad for the ones who would love a relationship but for whatever reason aren't able to pursue one.

That is so sad. Reading that, I just wanted to go and give all those people a hug.

In their shoes, I think finding religion could help. Preferably a very exuberant happy-clappy church where people hug all the time, and where they might find other people who want meaningful relationships but haven't done anything yet. Is that a daft idea? Probably... But maybe not completely...

Mary I think that is a good idea although might not be right for everyone but definitely some kind of affectionate socially inclusive club if whatever kind.

A friend of mine (early 40s) is still a virgin.
She had dates and snogs etc while in her 20s but never went further.
Started with her mother telling her she had to be a 'good girl.
Then as she got older she just turned down 2nd dates- for the flimsiest of reasons (and some of the guys were really nice)

I suspect she was embarrassed at her lack of 'experience' (hate that word) and didn't want to tell the guys.

There was also speculation that she might have preferred women but knowing her mother would never have accepted it she couldn't explore her sexuality properly.

She has a great job and has travelled loads etc but she has never had a relationship and is quite bitter about it.

Could have been me. I didn't have sex till I was 25. I was beautiful but socially clueless (possibly undiagnosed ASD, I now believe) and I spent years wondering how the heck people got into relationships.

There were two things that got in my way:

1. I was always very uncomfortable with physical intimacy. I had a few "boyfriends" but never went further than kissing, and even that I had to force myself to do just because it was what you were supposed to do. I'd bolt before things went any further, and of course things then fizzled out.
2. I often didn't recognize when men were flirting / hitting on me. I just didn't see it and didn't respond, even if I liked the guy.

Then I met my DP and was instantly comfortable with him and attracted to him. It was so weird. I just felt as if I'd known him forever. I'd never felt that with anyone else. I think if I'd never met him, I could easily have been alone for many years, if not forever.

So I can really empathize with these people.

I think l had the potential to be like this. Never really got the boyfriend stuff at school. By the time l was 18 or 19, l was too scared to accept dates, as l thought they would laugh at me. I did finally lose my virginity at 20, but l think if l hadn’t l would have carried on in the same manner.

I wasn’t shy or awkward at all. I was very sociable, young, slim and pretty, but l constantly felt out of my depth with the whole thing.

I didn’t seem to have the high sex drive that driove other people, although l did fancy people and lust after them. But l didn’t fancy many people, My dad died when l was 4 so l don’t know if that was anything to do with it. I sometimes wonder if it was a combination of all these things, no father figure, low sex drive and so so choosy. .

Anyway I’ve got 2 dc now! But dd has anxiety and l would hate for her to be like this. It’s somethng l worry about a lot☹️

Also, l never got how you could snog someone you just met!!!! How could you be so intimate with a person you didn’t know? The idea made my flesh crawl, and still does to some extent.

@TheEmoji. Alcohol is how you do that.

It is soul-destroying beyond all fucking words.

I'm early 40s, female, never had a sexual relationship, never had any job to speak of, lived with my dysfunctional parents until three years ago. Also had severe Crohn's, which wasn't so bad in my 20s but hit hard as soon as I reached my 30s.

Nearly forgot to add, have ASD, depression, anxiety and probably several undiagnosed personality disorders as well.

It's the loneliness which is going to kill me in the end. It's almost literally suffocating.

@noughtsandcrosses123
(Make It easier to do that on iPad, MNHQ)

All hope is not lost.

As a woman , you can ALWAYS be assured of a no strings hook up with a man in your local area
If you're wanting to hook up with a woman then you'll have to cast your net a bit wider.

If you're looking for a coparent then good luck lol

Why would she want a hookup? That’s totally what she doesn’t want!

@NotTheFordType

Think you've missed a rather fundamental part of my post if you think I'm a parent...

Have considered it, but am way too scared of no-strings hook-ups. Besides, that's not what I want anyway. The only reason I considered it at all was to get what felt like an insurmountable roadblock out of the way - I thought it might be easier to do OLD if I didn't have to eventually tell prospective partners I was a virgin.

I meant someone to become a parent with :)

Tbh if you've broken your hymen through masturbation, a lot of guys wouldn't be able to tell you were a virgin. Honestly they're so excited to get near a vagina, and they're thinking about their performance and whether you're judging them.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot though. Do you have any friends at all? The trouble is that isolation is itself isolating.

Oh right. I'm deffo not looking to become a parent with anybody. Even if I could still technically get pregnant, I wouldn't be interested - too old, too depressed, too poor, etc. Any child of mine I would want to give the best possible start to in life; I've missed that particular boat by a million miles.

I've got a few friends but not irl - they're all on the internet (well one I do meet up with a couple of times a year, but we're both too depressed/broke/far away to meet up any more than that). I also lost the bloke who I thought was my best friend for five years; no, I'm not handling that well at all.

I do a bit of volunteer work (which my mum seems to bizarrely treat as not being "real" volunteer work; she keeps on imploring me to look for "real" volunteer work, whatever the actual fuck that is). Have tried a couple of social groups as well, to no avail. I haven't made any new friends, let alone found a partner through any of them. I go home to my flat and I stare at a fucking wall or a computer screen for hours on end, missing the friend I broke up with. We had a connection. Or, rather I thought we had a connection.