Anyone around for a handhold? I think my relationship is ending.

[ontherocksandgutted]

(NC'd) Is anybody around?

OH came home last night and was acting weird. Suddenly came out with a big speech about how he can't handle X* and he can't cope with me and we should break up. Said he's been feeling this way for a long time.

(*X is a situation that is actually resolvable with a bit of compromise on both sides and sensible discussion. It came up in discussion earlier in the week without that compromise but things were fine after that.)

And things have been fine generally as far as I knew. OK, bit of a rough grumbly patch due to heavy workload and some personal stresses lately. But nothing massive/that we haven't dealt with before; and outside that it's been normal and we've recently been planning and booking stuff like an expensive holiday and organising a big birthday event for late in the year and generally getting on with life, discussing "the future" all as normal, and laughing and enjoying being together (so I thought)

We talked at some length but I don't know what is happening. I asked him "what now?" before bed and he said he was done talking for now as he had an important and longstanding commitment early today and needed to sleep . He wasn't being an arse about that, it is true and he headed off some time ago, and was talking to me and gave me a kiss goodbye as he does every day.

So I'm sat here now waiting for him to get home later this afternoon when we can resume the discussion and I feel sick to the pit of my stomach. How can he have been thinking this stuff while simultaneously acting completely normal and going along with spending thousands of pounds on future plans etc.

I'm in absolute bits. This is my life.

I also thought X was sex related and that he was coercing you into pushing the boundaries further than you are comfortable with. Not being explicit might skew poster's opinions OP?

Pot holing is a bad analogy I think as my mind is automatically substituting the words for anal sex every time I read it. I know it's not that but I keep reading it that way. It would be more helpful if you just said what it was because context does matter. Like if it was anal sex then he is completely in the wrong but if it was spending more time with a child or part of your religious beliefs then the compromise and responses would be very different.

Obviously whatever it is, you get a say in how often or how much you do of it. Can he not do it on his own? Is it a joint activity? Is he manipulating you into doing more of it by threatening to leave the relationship? That's not good and i would call his bluff and let him go.

Because your op is vague the responses you get will be vague but I guess the bottom line is the same. If all the compromise ends up being on your end then it's not healthy for you.

As completely ridiculous as it sounds, it's more of an etiquette/social thing than anything.

We have very different ideas on how a situation should be handled and he is now saying that he feels my way of doing it is incompatible with his. When I think there is a compromise we can both live with.

But he is currently seeing anything I say as a flat out rejection of doing it at all. Which is why it's so difficult to resolve.

Again I know he's not cheating because the situation isn't really relevant to having his head turned. And history and other things.

I do honestly appreciate the kind words but please can the solutions of cheater/pack his stuff etc be left? I'm just seriously feeling so shitty I just need a virtual shoulder to cry on for now.

So while you’re trying really hard to be the constant easy thing for him he says he’s gonna dump you if you don’t do X. Really?

Ok I'm just going to say it. I thought it was cross dressing/presenting as a woman. So not a sex thing as such.

If it is that, there is a good thread in feminism called "Trans widows" talking about how married men on that pathway have behaved/escalated over the years that you may want to read.

If it's not that then I apologise for getting the wrong end of the stick. I am just trying to help.

Has he lived on his own for most of his life? Maybe he's just not used to compromises but you shouldn't be the only one who compromises! Also, it's ridiculous that you're giving potholing a go but you don't want it to take over your life and aren't ready yet to progress to his level.

Just tell us what x is .it's hard to understand the issue in the context of advanced potholing!!

No Quentin, absolutely miles from it, I promise you it is nothing to do with sex, cross dressing, trans, anything of that nature at all. There is no risk to my health or safety, it's just the way I deal with some things that he does very differently and is a result of my slightly messed up past more than anything.

(There is a reason I am being so coy but it's to do with online privacy/not being outed not because it's anything dangerous)

Meantime I have called my lovely mum too. Having told her the whole thing, she agrees that compromise is the right solution and knowing OH personally, made some very astute observations. She suggested what I had, before I had even got to that part. And yes she is biased as she's my mum, but she isn't the type to sugar coat the truth if I am being out of order.

So what did your mum say?

That compromise has to come from both of us and to try and keep communicating calmly and remember why we love each other as well.

Think your mum right. And good you have her to talk to. All you can do is continue Communicating and talking and keep those channels open but if he’s not willing to compromise an It’s a you need to change or split situation then that’s not person you’d be happy staying with.
Lots love today. Hope you’re keeping busy

I've just broken down at the royal wedding coverage.

Until yesterday I safely thought OH and I were well on course to get married, but now I have no idea at all and I feel like a complete failure.

The personal challenges I dealt with just to start this relationship were huge and I put so much effort in to deal with my historic demons. I am not sure I could do it again in the knowledge that it wasn't enough this time.

I am lost.

Have an un-MN hug OP

OP you sound like you are experiencing so much turmoil. I'm cautious about giving you any advice as although I understand your reasons for not sharing what it is you feel you need to compromise on, I can't tell you whether it is something I think that you should do without knowing. I am worried, however, that reading between the lines your DP is coercing you into behaving in a way that you don't want to and that he is threatening to leave you if you don't do as he says. This, with the exception of extraneous behaviours, rings alarm bells for me.

Ok, whatever x is it sounds like it's something pretty minor - a symptom rather than a cause. It sounds like the bigger issue is that either a) he doesn't want to/ like compromising and/or b) you don't communicate effectively/ approach conflict resolution in the same way. So while so may be able to resolve X, the bigger issues are still present. If he isn't someone who can/will compromise then say hello to the rest of your life making yourself smaller to accommodate him. Compromise is essential in relationships other wise it just leads to one person bending until they break. If the problem is different communication styles (basing this on the bit if your post where you say "I say x but he hears y") then I think that can be worked on, maybe with counselling if you want to save things. If the problem is conflict resolution in general "I want to compromise but he wants to break up if he can't get his way"; "I wanted to know what the next step was but he said he was done talking then acted like nothing happened the next day") then that's much harder because it's like trying to get through a locked door with the wrong key. You can call a locksmith/ break down the door a few times, but it's not a sustainable solution. You might be able to agree a conflict management strategy in counselling, but after 6 years if you haven't already found your groove on this I don't know how likely it is that you ever will. So, if these are the issues then it may be salvegabke if you BOTH want it and are BOTH willing to do the work. But it sounds like maybe it's just run its course.

The other possibility is that this is all a bit of a cover story on his part. He says he's felt this way for a long time but it sounds like the x situation is quite new, so as hard as it is to hear he may just have fallen out of love with you and be engineering arguments to force an end to the relationship. If that's the case then there's nothing you can do I'm afraid but grieve and then try to move on.

You need to find out which situation your in first, then plan your next steps from there. Sorry you're going through this.

That's that. It's over, he's gone to stay with a friend.

I am in pieces.

I'm sorry op. Nothing to add really, just handholding. Get your Mum round to look after you and take one day at a time, it does get better.

So sorry OP. For what it's worth I think there was something he wasn't telling you about why this was such an issue from him, which means you haven't been able to get to solving it even though you were willing to. Which is unfair and just awful. Can you get your mum or a friend to come round and be with you?

He sounds full of shit OP

It turns out he's been unhappy for a while and just hiding it.
I could kick myself for 1001 things I should have done differently - or like how a non fucked up normal person naturally would.

We talked for a long time but to no avail. He'd already made his decision before opening his mouth yesterday.

I can't believe I fucked this up so badly (and if you'd been there you'd agree, it wasn't really on him at all)

So not about the x issue at all. Sorry, OP. I doubt very much it's all on you.

x was the final straw.

He said he'd misread/underestimated my feelings on it and wasn't able to deal with it any more when he felt so differently.

I HAVE been a real bitch to him at times, but he kept telling me it was ok, he understood and we were ok as long as we kept talking and working things out.

Don't feel like its all your fault, you probably weren't compatible. My ex asked me for space because i always moaned at him and we argued and initially i thought it was all my fault but now realised that i moaned because he wasn't giving me what i wanted so going back in time wouldn't change anything as i would've been unhappy just going along with it.

Ah I am sad to read this.
As an ex abused person with my share of baggage, I get what you are saying.
I've not lost any men to it tho, but I have lost love because my screwed upness made me make poor choices in men that just weren't right for me.
Anyway, so he's gone and you are attributing part of it to the fallout of what you have been through?

My dear, there is the immediate future to get thro, upon which I will not comment. Let others do a better job.

But in the matter of you and your healing, continue it. Be merciless with all aspects of unease that remain and trip you up. For him, for you, and for your future xxx and you will get there xxx

Hugs xxx