Why do I struggle with the fact he hates me!

[onanotherday]

Exh and I split up 5 years ago!! Very difficult time.. him unfaithful.. mid life crisis and later diagnosed personality disorder and or possible bipolar. .. 2 dcs and I were Left to get on with it.. rare visits.. no support. Then ow and him broke up and the last few years he has sofa surfed .. tried working abroad and failed. Back in UK 200 miles away. So l do everything .. and I also went bankrupt as he left us in so much debt.So here is the thing.... during the last few years before we split he was bad mouthing me to his family and friends and so had to deal with their rejection too...20 years of being with him and his family just stonewalled me.. they have since realise his lies.

But what really bugs me most is that in all this I have tried to be pleasant and even helpful.. but he hates me and I'm still upset by this as it gets in the way of parenting. I know he's being a dick .. but why? .. thanks for letting me get that off my chest !!🙄

Remember that hate and love are very closely related emotions. The fact that he feels strongly enough about you to badmouth you, stonewall you, or whatever, means that you are still, albeit in a twisted way, very important to him. People act as though they “hate” someone for lots of complicated reasons- he may be using it as a way to cope with his own pain and dissatisfaction with his life. It’s most probably more about him than about you.

Sorry OP I just read that he has a diagnosed personality disorder. I’m assuming from your description of him that it’s NPD or BPD.

One of the hallmarks of these disorders is defending yourself from pain by projecting your own negative behaviours, emotions and traits onto someone else, then “demonising” them. So he deals with things he doesn’t like about himself by believing that you’re actually the one like that. Hence acting like he “hates” you.

Most people with personality disorders come from families where at least one parent also has a PD.

Definitely more about him than you and you became the target of his hatred purely because it's easier for him to direct it at you than himself. It is possible to detach, to train yourself not to care anymore if he hates you and to develop strategies to make coparenting easier on you, maybe some counselling to help you do that? I know it's a cliche but it really is him, not you

He enjoyed having power over you when you were together. He still enjoys it now. I'd advise you stop being helpful and just be business like. He only throws your niceness in your face, and enjoys the fact he can still make you upset. That's my guess.

Yep .. definite power thing.. never saw it when we were together got accused of it myself! But it's stuff about dcs .. direct questions nothing personal etc. Just doesn't reply to, then may do via kids later....weeks later

It's all projection. He can't admit even to himself (especially to himself) that he's a bad person who has treated you and the DC's awfully so you HAVE to be to blame for everything that's gone wrong with his life.

If you can arrange to have counselling to detach yourself emotionally from him. Once you've done that you won't feel hurt by his behaviour. Really worth doing this as it's made all the difference for me (28 years together, married nearly 26 years, stbxh went off with a 25 year old).