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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can someone give me advice please

26 replies

Kirsty1997 · 18/05/2018 22:58

I really can’t take much more,
I’m 21 just turned Monday and my partner is 25 we’ve been together 3 years and at first our relationship was so perfect but the last year he’s changed he’s abusive physically and he’s also sooooo evil he calls me fat and ugly calls my family and always threatens to throw me out, I moved into his thinking we were going to last. I keep thinking he’ll cjange with ivf on Monday starting I don’t think I’m going to go through with it my family don’t like him yet I picked him, please can someone give me advise apart from leave him cos I’m so upset

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 18/05/2018 23:02

the only thing to do IS to leave him OP. You cannot build a life with someone or have children with someone who is abusive. You just can't. You are worth more than this. You know you are. Can you go back to your parents' house? If not, Women's Aid will help you. The first step is the hardest. Take is now, and build your life without this man..

MMmomDD · 18/05/2018 23:03

Please, please, please - do not have a baby now.
Not that way you are feeling, in general. And definitely - not the way you are feeling about your boyfriend.

And - of course - you shouldn’t be with him anyway. He abuses you physically and emotionally.
You are only 21. Why would you want to live like this for many many years?

Leave! You have a life that you haven’t started living yet!!!

RavenLG · 18/05/2018 23:04

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP, but am I reading this right. You’re having IVF? With a man who is physically abusive? For the love of god don’t bring a child into this toxic relationship! It won’t fix the problem. I would suggest getting in touch with women’s aid. I know you don’t want to hear it but you need to think about getting away from him, if he is being physically abusive you could be in real danger Flowers

AnyFucker · 18/05/2018 23:09

IVF at 21 ?

RayDropofGoldenSun · 18/05/2018 23:18

At 21 I was locked in with an abusive man and thinking well I have to see this through, I have to make it work, hang in, it was so good at first.... every excuse. Everyone hated him. He was vile.

I wasted years and all my should be fun time twenties. Get out now before you're pregnant

BlankTimes · 19/05/2018 00:04

I keep thinking he’ll change

He won't. Ever.

He may tell you he will, but only because it's taken him 3 years to "train" you to the point where you will accept him being physically and emotionally abusive to you and just do what he wants.

If he loses you, he will have to "train" somebody else, that's why he'll pretend to have a big epiphany, promise to change, he will for a short time, then he will gradually return to being his real self.

All of the anger, all of the physical abuse, all of the emotional abuse, that it the real person you are with. His Mr. Nice Guy at the beginning was just an act. He is showing you exactly who he is right now. Take a step back. Look at him. Look at him properly. He is an abuser. He is a vile person.

Do not have children with this man. He will treat you badly in front of the children - no child should see that - and he will treat them badly as well.

You won't be the first woman he has treated in this way, he will have lied and told you his exes were crazy because he doesn't want you to hear how vile he was to them, just as he's being vile to you.

Get out, go, leave, NOW!

sadiesnakes · 19/05/2018 00:13

IVF at 21 though?

CaledonianQueen · 19/05/2018 03:01

OP I am pleading with you not to go through the process of IVF! Pregnancy is a dangerous time for women in abusive relationships, as the links below show, there are many more articles online too!
Please contact woman's aid, or if you can grab the bare essentials and take a taxi to your parents, or to a friends house! Leaving an abusive man is incredibly dangerous though, so call woman's aid for advice - their number is 0808 2000 247 and it is open 24 hours! Their website is here:

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/

Please call them, you deserve so much better!

www.preventabusiverelationships.com/articles/pregnancy_dv_304.php

www.whattoexpect.com/pregnancy/domestic-abuse/

www.maternal-and-early-years.org.uk/topic/pregnancy/abuse-neglect-and-gender-based-violence-in-pregnancy

www.babycenter.com/0_domestic-violence-during-pregnancy_1356253.bc

www.bestbeginnings.org.uk/domestic-abuse

Monty27 · 19/05/2018 04:46

Not convinced

Perfectway · 19/05/2018 06:05

How many years have you been trying for a baby to qualify for IVF?

YouAreNotImportant · 19/05/2018 06:11

Pushed it with the IVF there OP.

Toasttea · 19/05/2018 06:56

You have to leave. You can’t with be with someone who is abusive towards you! No I wouldn’t have a child with him!

AtypicalMan · 19/05/2018 06:59

He hasn't got a single good reason why you would stay with him . LEAVE HIM .

huha · 19/05/2018 07:07

🤔🤔🤔

Chottie · 19/05/2018 07:10

Why would you stay with this man?
What joy and happiness does he bring to your life?

You are young, don't waste your youth on him.

MakeMineATwin · 19/05/2018 07:12

You are so young op. Move on and find a better life

daisychain01 · 19/05/2018 07:13

So you're considering IVF with an abusive partner. Just puzzling what advice you are expecting......

ConfusedWife1234 · 19/05/2018 07:16

Off topic: sorry but I do not understand why those people who are not convinced cannot keep there mouth shut. Who cares if they are convinced? If you have nothing nice to say you should not say anything at all and leave the thread alone. Had people telling me I was a fake when I was not, already felt really low before and that made me just so sad. A,ways remember it is a person on the other site of the monitor.

OP: I am sorry you are feeling like this. I do not think this man while make a good father. I hope you find advice soon

DianaT1969 · 19/05/2018 07:30

Confused
People say they aren't convinced on a thread when the OP doesn't ring true. It can be very helpful in stopping people from wasting time giving advice and opening up about their personal experiences.
For example, this person mentions ivf, which is rare (unknown?) for couples aged 21 and 25.
But if you believe her and want to give her advice and time, that's your right of course.

ConfusedWife1234 · 19/05/2018 07:33

I understand that it does not ring true for them and they do not have to answer, but why be so mean. There is a fair chance it can be true.
I remember a thread when I said something about my culture and it was true and people told my I was lying and I was not. That was really hurtful and I was really down. Just to give an example.

ConfusedWife1234 · 19/05/2018 07:35

You do not even know if she is in the UK, in other countries IVF for a person of that age might be common.

However I do not want to derail this thread. I just wanted to state I think it is unfair people being like this.

polkadotpixie · 19/05/2018 07:47

IVF at 21 is definitely possible. I know someone who had it at 22!

In my CCG you have to be trying for a year before referral to the fertility clinic and then have tests before starting treatment. If OP has been with her partner for 3 years then that's perfectly possible timeframe-wise. If I hadn't got pregnant naturally during my testing stage I would have been due to start treatment around month 17

Also, troll hunting is banned, is it not? Report the thread if you have concerns rather than jumping on what could very well be a young woman having a shitty time

Perfectway · 19/05/2018 07:55

Well then isn’t it scary that such a young woman can have ivf with a partner who is physically abusive towards her and with no support from her family.

When I tried ivf we were offered relationship counselling.

Lunettesloupes · 19/05/2018 09:16

Pick someone else - this one is not worth it

Bananalanacake · 19/05/2018 12:36

Why did you move in with him. You don't have to live with a boyfriend until you've been together a good few years.