Will this ever end?!

[Stepheft]

Hi guys, my first ever post here but I’ve googled issues and read lots of threads before which have helped give me some perspective and food for thought.

Ok so down to the issue. I’ve been with my DH for 11 years, he’s step dad to my eldest and then we had our little one together. My problem is with a recurrent online porn issue. Originally we met online, irony huh?! I started to discover fairly early on in our relationship (in fact when I was pregnant) that he was using webcam sites, sometimes paid for. I felt extremely hurt and betrayed, confronted, argued, resolved and then back to “normal”. Fast forward a couple years and I then discover he’d been having personal “chats” with random girls on his Facebook page, I was absolutely devastated, we had a less than 2 year old and a 7 year old. I left him for a couple of weeks, moved myself and kids out to my mums and swore not to return. He begged me back, said he had a porn/sex addiction and promised to get help but that never came to be. Fast forward another few years and I discover as well as constant porn use he had a secret Instagram page which he used to contact random girls with his voyeruristic requests. I confronted him and gave him an ultimatum that he needed to get help which he did and he began to see a therapist. He started being open and talking about his problem with me and I felt we were turning a corner, we had a few hiccups along the way but I really felt things were in the past and we could get on with being a family again and move forward.

So now to my current issue, I neglected to mention he had a marijuana habit which he recently sort help to give up which lead to boughts of depression, medication etc and now to the present day situation I have found myself in. I have discovered he is using a Tumblr app as it downloaded to our iPad as well as his phone and pretty much using it exclusively for porn. I am unsettled by a lot of the searches that have come up, Lots of ‘teen’ searches, lots of ‘voyeur’ searches too... he knows I know he uses it but assured me it’s not a problem. So feeling uneasy about all of this I logged into his Instagram account and his ‘top hit’ is a 19 year old girl who likes to post revealing pictures of herself... I just don’t know what to do, I wonder if I’m overreacting to all of this and should just chill as lots of men use porn but he’s said in the past he has a problem and I wonder if this will ever end? whether I’m being walked all over and just don’t see it or whether I’ve become so used to this kind behaviour? Any opinions/advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

OP - first of all - you mentioned nothing about your actual relationship and sex life.
Has his cams/porn affected your intimacy to the point where it’s problematic?

Here on MN - many people are of the view that porn is unacceptable, so you’ll get a lot of these comments.

But in a less black/white way of looking at things - it does seem that he has some needs/fetishes that are unlikely to disappear.
And he has moved to a less ‘interactive’ way of satisfying them.
For me, personally - webcams and chatting with strangers is not the same as looking up Tumblr pictures, or following Instagram accounts.

What you do with this all, is really up to how you feel about it. He is unlikely to stop having his fetishes. He may possibly suppress some, but is more likely to hide better. And he’ll still have them as a fantasy in his head. So - total control of what he finds attractive isn’t really possible.

So - in a way - it’s less about ‘men and porn’ - and more about your specific man.
Have you tried to talk to him to understand what’s going on in his head? What drives him to these behaviours?

Everyone here has an opinion on porn. You'll find plenty here saying it's great, they use it more then their dp's, does no harm, etc. But these are people that haven't yet experienced the real problems that porn actually causes, and that ranges from breaking trust in relationships, ruining self esteem, lies, secrecy, porn induced erectile dysfunction, extreme addiction and needless selfish irreparable damage to marriage. These are real issues and there are numerous posts on this forum showing that this is a real problem, happening in relationships time again. Only you OP can decide what you are comfortable with in your relationship, if you don't agree with porn, for whatever reason, then it is your prerogative not to put up with it. Your dh has taken the piss over and over, with lies and breaking promises,, this is worse then him actually using porn. He knows full well you don't want porn in the relationship and agreed to stop himself so it seems he has reached an addiction. Your dh is a sly, sneaky person and you should really consider if you want to spend the rest of your life with a person like this who treats you with so much disrespect. You deserve so much better.

Thanks for your reply, it’s so much appreciated and for your kind words. We have a healthy and varied sex life, I am in no way a prude and have indulged him in many of his fantasies which I have been comfortable doing as I am very open minded. We have talked numerous times. My worry is the addiction side of it, it makes me uncomfortable knowing that while I’m downstairs cooking dinner for instance, he’s upstairs playing the voyeur online and I worry that over time He’ll become desensitised to just pictures and videos and need to act out his ‘voyueristic’ tendencies in a more real life kind of way. I’ve never had a problem with porn itself, more the person using it, their personality and what it can eventually lead to in certain individuals. I guess the thing stopping me taking to him about it is the realisation that I know the answer to my own question, it’s never gonna stop and I’m no longer happy to play second fiddle to this habit of his x

I have no issues with watching porn but he’s actively seeking out individuals to get his kicks and that would be a deal breaker for me. My ex smoked marijuana and had depression . That was his ‘get out of jail free’ card. He was just an entitled cunt.

The 'teen' searches would worry me tbh. And if he's still doing the webcam stuff, I wouldn't actually classify that as porn. It's perfectly reasonable for any of the things you've mentioned to be a deal breaker. For me, the drugs on their own would be enough of a reason, particularly if there were kids around. No real advice, but don't feel guilty if you want to leave. From what you've said, I think you're preparing for that eventuality anyway.

If you can be bothered staying with a stoner who is obsessed with porn go for it. Personally I’d be packing his bags for him.

OP - it’s not easy. And it’s also impossible to see intro the future.
It’s also hard to say - what’s addiciton and what’s a fetish. No?

You sound like you are unhappy. So - leaving and ending the relationship is always an option.

On the other hand - what seems to make you most unhappy is a fear of something in the furure, something that hasn’t yet happened and might not happen - ie you becoming a second fiddle, etc.

If you still love him - and, on balance, there is still more positive in the relationship - what do you have to lose from seeing if it may work?
Let’s assume that his voyerism is something that’s not changing. (It’s a fetish, and they don’t, really) - is there a way you would find acceptable and non-threatening they you can live with?
People do find ways to deal with these things - it requires a bit of open mind and communication.

MMmomDD thanks for your response. I completely appreciate what you’ve said and have taken that attitude for so many years trying to just see the good and focus on the postitive side of our relationship. I suppose my concern is watching the pattern of how it starts with porn and images and videos and inevitably ends up with secret accounts from which he is interacting with other women which I find hurtful and disrespectful. I feel like if he has confessed that it’s a problem for him in the past and sought help for it at that point then why is this time around any different? If you see what I mean. He has a very addictive/obsessive personality and whatever he does he does to the extreme. I should also say we have a teenage daughter in the house and I think one of my concerns is regarding the amount of ‘teen’ searches I discovered. It doesn’t sit right with me.

OP - you have one life. And it’s not worth living it and being constantly on guard, or unhappy.

From your post it wasn’t all that clear. It sounded like the extent of the behaviour your found problematic was less.
Ie going from cams and talking to strangers to a less interactive Tumblr images.
(That - sounded like the addictive part that you are talking about being managed and under control)

But - it also sounds like you are tired of living with that, and that accepting this side of him isn’t easy or possible for you any more.
You don’t need a reason for why it is like that.

I guess one might hope it’s something that might go away. But, frankly, it’s unlikely.
As far as fetishes go - voyerism is fairly harmless, and internet provides for a relatively safe way of managing it, with so many people freely allowing access to images of all sorts.
But that doesn’t matter if this isn’t what you want to live with.

Sorry.
I hope you’ll find a way to be happier.