I want my DH to want me again

[PrettyInPink34]

Me and DH have been together 13 years.

We get along alright together, don’t have much in common and I will admit he can be quite hard to talk too as he never asks any questions so it’s me always asking him things. It makes going out together and holidays quite hard work. He is quite a quiet person by nature.

We seem to have the same conversation yearly. I feel he doesn’t love me as he never shows any interest in me at all. Never asks how I am, how my day is. He also show me no affection EVER. Everything is initiated by me. And he can’t get away fast enough. I know he does love me but he never shows it.

This all actually started on our honeymoon. He was the complete opposite before we got married.

Every year we have the same conversation, each time he promises to change but he finds it hard as that’s not the person who is is apparently. But he will try to make the effort. He just doesn’t do emotion or affection. He will then genuinely try and make a effort but this lasts anywhere between a couple of days and a couple of weeks then back to normal.

A few years back we went through a really rough patch he was a complete ass hole he literally treated me like utter shit living separate lives, him throwing silent sulks for days on end. After a blazing row and a three day silent treatment after a trip to Ikea i threw him out. We reconciled and things went back to the way they were when I found out OW had been on the scene and it corresponded to the timing of the shitty behavior. We worked things out and he changed and reverted back to the man I first fell in love with. Things were better than ever for about two years.

He works hard but when he’s home I don’t see him he’s always on his pc. He barely speaks to me.

Sex doesn’t happen unless I initiate things. He doesn’t kiss me as apparently he doesn’t like kissing and never has. I just don’t feel wanted. But last year I noticed he had been watching lots of romance films on Netflix apparently he’s desperate for some romance in our lives. I’ve tried and been rejected countless times so I no longer bother.

I have been majorly unhappy for many years with my self esteem but now I’m on ADs and have lost a dramatic amount of weight I feel so happy in my life and about myself. We have a lovely home and a nice family and in that respect I’m happy. But I just wish my DH would actually notice me.

Today I was going to ask to speak to him about it all again and I just thought why bother nothing changes. I’m only mid 30s he is 10 years older. I could so easily start again but I don’t want to. I want to be happy with him. But I can’t see that happening as I’ve found myself distancing myself from him, I’ve taken up some hobbies to focus my attention on.

I’ve suggested relate before and he does t want to go as apparently there are no issues.

Is there anything I can do to make him change his ways? I just want to be wanted by him again.

Why do you still want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't care about you?

I'm curious why you want to stay with someone who has treated you badly from the begining, has cheated on you and isn't interested. How do you know he loves you? It certainly doesn't sound like it, I'm sorry, it sounds like he is there simply for the living strangements and convenience.

It's not going to change, have you got kids? He's not the person you thought he was. He's the person he's shown you since marriage.

He sounds utterly self absorbed.. why do are you fighting for this man who treats you with such contempt.. when you know deserve so much better

It seems he only makes an effort when the status quo is threatened by you then?

What do you have in common with this man?
What do you both enjoy doing?

Hang about...there was another woman?

So he had space in his heart to romance someone somewhere then?

And he's looking at romantic movies on Netflix- does he need to learn to be romantic with you from movies or is he just in the mindset of fantasies of romance with the OW?

Is she definitely gone?

How much longer are you going to try to extract blood from this stone OP?

Yes have 2 children. They are the only reason I stayed after I found out about the OW. I can’t abide cheating and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t of stayed.

Honestly OP when I was reading this I thought it was someone in their mid 50s, then I read that you’re mid 30s! For goodness sake get out! (I’d also say that if you were mid 50s but could understand more your reluctance to leave if you were older). You could have another 40/50 years of a life like this! If things haven’t got better (and not just temporarily) in 13 years then they never will. Mid 30s is still young, don’t waste your life waiting for someone who is never going to fulfil your needs.

I don't ever say this but don't waste another year of your life with this man who has no interest in you and no inclination to make you happy. You deserve better.

Every year you have the same conversation and nothing ever changes?
Why are you fighting for someone who just doesn't want you or care? You could do easerly move on I would suggest doing so. If nothing has changed now it never will. You need to ask your self of you can live like this for the rest of you're life (settling) or weather moving on is what you want to do and decide which one will make you happier. (I don't mean move on with someone else i mean finding happiness with in you and comfortable in you without making someone else want you).

This is what this relationship is like. This is the pattern. This is how he is with you.

People on here generally recommend the book "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" for this sort of thing - maybe worth taking a look?

I just think, you're wasting your life hoping for him to change. Either you need to disengage emotionally from him entirely and focus on getting joy in life from other things, or you should leave.

I can't imagine staying in a marriage with no kissing.

What happens if he's also staying for the dc, and when they leave home, he goes too?

can’t abide cheating and if it wasn’t for them I wouldn’t of stayed

And yet here you are asking how to make this man want you again, stating that all you want is to be with him, wanting to know how to make him even just notice you.

I think you need to do some serious soul searching on why you're reacting like this. 😔

This is who he is. Do you want him?

No, you cant make him want you. This is who he is and feeling the way you do is the price for staying in a relationship with him is. The balls in your court not his, do you want to spend more of your time exposing your MH to such misery and your children to such a poor primary relationship role model.?

I think he’ll actually get worse as he gets older. You are so young, you deserve more

Staying for the children is never a good idea and in your case a particularly bad one. All you are both showing them is a template of a crap loveless marriage which could well go onto become their norm too.

You have stayed for your own reasons, it has nothing to do with your children. These children cannot and must not be used as glue to bind you and he together.

What do you still get out of this relationship?. Something keeps you within it and its not or at the very least should not be the children. You cannot make someone want you and this relationship is really well and truly over anyway bar the shouting.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what example did your parents show you?.

What Attila said! Do you want your children to think a loveless relationship is normal? Don’t you think YOU deserve more? Is you’re so happy with your life why are you on the ADs? I suspect a fresh start is what will make you truly happy.