Please help me. I need some women’s advice

[plzhelp]

Please bare with me this story is a bit long. But I’m so scared for my families future. My wife are having problems. As many couples do I feel she doesn’t respect me enough and controls me a lot, not happy for me to go out ever, lack of respect, lack of love from her yknow. She feels I don’t appreciate her enough or help enough around the house. We have 2 kids now 5 and 7.
Anyway it’s got a hell of a lot worse. I moved out in feb last year. She pushed me to move out but so we could work on our relationship. It was her idea and I went along with it.
After I moved out I still felt she didn’t listen or respect me or make the changes I wanted - she wanted me to go round 5 nights a week I wanted to start dating her again and really take it slow. I’d moved out and stayed on mates sofas in the past clearly that didn’t work so I wanted her to really change.
I love her dearly she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me (other than my girls of course) but we do fight a lot because we are both strong headed.
Anyway I said I really wanted her to change if she couldn’t it wasn’t gonna work. She said she wouldn’t and we ended up not seeing each other for a while.
After a few months we needed up getting back together and things were fantastic for 3 weeks we had a great time and it looked like we were gonna sort things out.
She told me she dated another guy. It tore me apart to hear that but she reassured me they didn’t sleep together or talk now and it was not gonna be an issue.
Long story short she did sleep with him. He text he and I knew then something was up. I felt betrayed. She says she didn’t lie as I didn’t directly ask what she done with him, I completely disagree as it’s a lie by omission, I’m pretty sure I did ask exactly what happened (I pushed her best friend to tell me in the end-she didn’t but that push made my wife tell me)
We kept trying to make things work. But she wouldn’t agree she lied or betrayed me so I never really got over that situation. We fought really angrily. She called the police on me. She’s got the house and I’m living with her mum actually ( who has serious health issues and that’s another stress on my partner) well it’s a stress on all of us but my partner is basically the rock that holds her family together. She’s great.
Anyway now I don’t care about the other guy. I don’t care she doesn’t think she betrayed me. I just want my wife back.
Trouble is now she still doesn’t want me. She said she doesn’t wanna get divorced and maybe in the future we can sort things out.
I took that too mean show her how rest I am and that I’ve changed and we will sort it out.
Now she says the future maybe a lot further away than I first thought.
She says she’s not with me right now and she even date other guys before deciding what she wants. Right now she won’t wven have a family day with me and the kids, let alone hang out with me or even go on a date with me. She’s making it clear there’s little chance in the future
Now I think I could take her to court. Divorce her and get half the house. Get adultery on the divorce certifocate ( to prove the betrayal once and for all) and just generally try and make her life unpleasant.
But I’ve decided I’ll never get her back if I do that. I live her so much and really I want my family back together. No one will treat her better than me. We’ve had a fanatic life together and I love her so much. And I know deep down she loves me and we can make a go of this.
She wants me to give her space and respect her privacy(in regards to dating other men) and maybe in time she may change her mind.
I’m finding it hard not to text her and declare my love every day and also not get angry at her for destroying me like this.
I also need to point out that she told everyone I left and they all took her side so I don’t see my friends anymore I can’t speak to anyone about this and I’m slowly losing my mind.
If it takes her 6 months to change her mind I’ll wait. But how can I prove it when she won’t see me and says I’m smothering her just by texting saying I love her or something similar.
What should I do? How do I cope alone without her just preying she’ll come back to me when the whole time she could be dating other guys and not coming back to me at all.
I played it all wrong I thought my actions would help get us back together but it backfired badly on me.
Please please help. How do I fix this?
Or should I just give up. Am I moving into stalker pyscho zone by trying even more. We were sleeping together up to a month ago and now no contact I’m so lost
Please someone help
Thank you for taking the time to read this I really value your opinion

Leave her alone.

I'd back totally off from the relationship and concentrate on having a civil and calm co-parenting relationship for the benefit of your children. Make sure you see them regularly and consistently, have them 50/50 if at all possible.

Sorry but i don’t think it’s fixable and even less so just by keeping separate lifes.
Sorting things out wouod mean opulent counselling, talking and BOTH of you changing things and the way you behave.

I actually agree that you should get divorced but NOT to make her ice a misery. Why in earth would you do that to someone you still love?? It’s just that divorce would allow both of you to move one and rebuild your lives.

In all of this, what about the children? Are you seeing them, having at weekends?
How are you going to handle that so that as little stress as possible in their life?

End it. It'll be healthier for all parties concerned. Concentrate on co-parenting your kids. This relationship has run its course.

She's placating you for whatever reason - she doesn't want to be with you, but she can't say so.

You should stop chasing her and start moving on in your own life. Give her the space and time she's asked for, but actually work on your own life apart.

Re getting divorced - you are unlikely to get half the house at this time, and really, would you want to force a sale & make your dc leave the family home?

She's now got you over a barrel, waiting for her whilst she tests the water. If she finds greener pastures, she'll ask for divorce and blame you for unreasonable behaviour, but she is keeping you on the side in case she finds that she can't do better than you.

It's tough when you are still so in love, but do you want her to want you because she can't find any better and are you prepare to wait for her whilst she's looking for her prince charming?

She wants her cake and everything that goes with it.
Leave her along and move on with your life.
Concentrate on being the best father you can to your two girls and leave your selfish idiot of wife to the wolves that are out there.
After the allotted time, I would put in for a divorce.
Obviously she does not want a divorce, because the house might have to be sold.
Once you put in for a divorce you will see another side of her.
But why should she be allowed to spread her legs and bring men into the house that your contributed towards.
As I said make sure you are there for these two girls, because you have no idea who these men are and the last thing you need is for something sexual to happen to your children.
Good luck, you are going to need. it.

Thanks for your replies. But really I don’t think it’s run it’s course. We aren’t kids here we have a family together. Bad words have been split but I deeply love this woman. Yes I’m seeing the kids. I have them every weekend and I’ve just offered a change to the agreement that gives her even more time off. I pay their maintenance every month.
She says I’ve lost her trust and I need to regain that. And I’ll do whatever she wants to show we can make it work. But right now she just wants space.

I know that I’m not gonna be a dick in the divorce. I’m not asking for one and neither is she. She’s happy to see what happens in the future. I just thought jay meant more in the immediate future than way down the line. She says she has no idea how long it will take and she might never get there

She only got with him to get over me. She thought it was over with us and needed to get me out her head. Like I’m feeling now I guess
I totally get it and her doing it didn’t upset me it was the fact I felt she wasn’t truthful about it that upset me most
She’s a great girl. She would never have a man in the family home. She’s very respectful of the kids and that situation. I really didn’t feel like we’d broken up I thought we were just on a break yknow

For the sake of your self respect and mental health don't allow yourself to be left hanging like that. She's not offering you anything, she's not suggesting relationship counselling, she's not saying she loves you. She wants you to wait patiently whilst she does whatever, on the small off chance that she fancies getting back together.

I'd tell her that as much as you do love her, you aren't prepared to be put into that situation and that this is the end of the relationship. Barring the necessary co-parenting relationship of course. Then concentrate on building your self esteem and self worth.

Why do you feel she owes you ‘respect’? Did you take equal shares in childcare and domestic grunt work when you lived together? Why do you say you love her, yet keep harping on about how she needs to change?

Sleeping with someone else is a ted herring, it seems to me.

RED herring.

Assisinatedbeauty-I don’t think it’s quite like that. But am I just being nieve
She says she loves me and she always will and it may happen in the future. She also only said about dating other guys as I asked her what she would do if she was asked out. She said maybe. She’s really not looking for someone else. Said she wants to concentrate on herself and I totally get that. And I will work hard at getting her to fall
In love with me all over again. She’s the one. I made mistakes. I’m ready to fix them.
But it is really quite damaging to my mental health. I feel really alone, I don’t wanna try and date myself, it is the whole being in limbo thing that’s hard. And by saying any thing to her it’s outting on pressure and ‘resets the clock’ yknow.
I just can’t give up on this, it’s our wedding anniversary soon. I’m hoping she’ll go to dinner with me. Until then I’m gonna leave her alone and focus on just the kids. She says she has seen the changes in me recently and does like it when I compliment her still.

Artbrut during the relationship she had a lot of trust issues
When I went out shed constanly call or text or moan about me being out late no matter what i was doing. I would have to ask her permission to go out basically. When it was totally the opposite for her. I was happy for her to go out, left her alone, waited up for her. That’s what I mean by respect. Trust me.
She had no reason not to trust me, she fully admits that. She had trust issues from previous relationships. But we’ve been together 15 years now. 14 if you don’t include the last year but I feel that’s a lack of respect and trust after this long.
Although it’s kindof a moot point as we’ve both agreed the things we wanted in the first place-the other person now understands and will do that/ she knows she was controlling and disrespectful and I know I didn’t show her enough affection and help as I could have. We have both changed so much whilst been apart and it could totally work. As I say her change of mind is quite recent.

OP, from a woman's point of view. If she wanted to be with you, she would be. If she was still interested in you, you would know that. She would want you to text.

From the sounds of things, she doesn't want you anymore. For her, your marriage is over. However she has two kids and it is probably easier to keep you hanging than divorce.

I understand you are unable to accept what is happening here. You love her, you love your family together. But you are a back up option OP. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can begin to rebuild your life.

You cannot make her fall in love with you or make her want to restart the marriage properly.

Although, it sounds in some ways like you enjoy the drama and the highs and lows of a volatile relationship.

You don't have to date. You can just take a step back from it all, just concentrate on parenting the children and don't expect anything at all from your wife.

But if you had two small children, of course you had to ‘ask permission’ to go out. Someone has to be at home. DH and I check with one another before accepting social commitments because we don’t have evening childcare. That’s normal.

She wouldn’t do the same tho Artbrut. She would book a night out without consulting me, she would book weekends away and all sorts without checking with me That’s what I mean by respect. Double standards. Yknow. Treat me as I treat you that’s all I’m asking. That’s only fair right

Appreciate all the advice. Thanks guys

I think there is only heart ache in this for you she’s got the kids the house she will date and see other men while keeping you dangling on a string for when she’s had enough and fancies old reliable back again. She refuses to acknowledge she plays a part in this so even if you work on your issues if she refuses to change it just won’t work. I would divorce sell the house you both get a home set up for each of you and your kids and move on away from each other. She was controlling and one sided why would you want to be back with someone like that?