Maybe I never really knew him.

[biggirlknickers]

My ex-h was my partner in life for over 20 years. We were in our teens when we met. We went through so much together - college, university, house moves, bereavements, dogs and cats we had, and ultimately our two lovely DC. We were best friends.

Things didn’t work out and we split up 4 years ago. It was my decision but it was amicable. We promised to stay friends.

We both met new partners 3 years ago. I was happy for him. He has however become less and less of a friend and more and more of an adversary.

He does minimal childcare and maintenance. He constantly looks for evidence of how neglectful I am as a parent. He prioritises himself and his partner above our DC all the time (for example, he has never taken our DC on holiday but he and his partner go on holiday by themselves. He also never has the DC for a whole weekend or even for a whole day.) He sends me messages weekly accusing me of something neglectful such as unwashed hair or an untreated cough.

The whole situation has me on constant tenterhooks. At the heart of it, I just can’t understand how someone who was my best friend got so long could turn out to be so petty and nasty all the time. Maybe I never really knew him at all. Maybe I’m a bad judge of character.

You never really know the true person until they no longer need you in their life...in my experience anyway. No real advice to offer except consider (depending on their ages) having a formal access agreement drawn up...one for my DS has him with his Dad 1 day per week, every other w/end and 50% of non term time. You're entitled to a life too.

I have no answer's. But i was married for 12 years, my stbxh is totally and utterly vial to me and really not a good father. I also wonder where the "nice man " went and how he can be so bloody dreadful now. But i have come to realise that he was actually never really a nice man, well only on his terms!
He hates me totally hates me, even though he left me and our young children, he has lied and manipulated so many situation since we have parted.

I litually dont recognise him now, but saying that he was always pretty nasty to other people, just not me. I suspect if you look closely enough his now behaviour wont be that unexpected. My stbhx used to treat his own mother terribly while generally being ok to me as long as he got his own way, now hes turned it around on to me. Its part of his personality, just be glad to be rid of him.

*Maybe I’m a bad judge of character.
*
Maybe he changed. Maybe he fooled you. Maybe you misjudged this one.

But what is certain is that it’s not your fault that he is who he is.

He sounds pretty awful and you should not take anything he says about your parenting to heart, especially** considering he isn’t doing any! Do not react to that, but get something in place for contact, including overnights and holiday cover.

Your DC will eventually see through him. Which isn’t great either, as obviously it’s far better that he just acts like a decent father, but he’ll get his comeuppance in the worst way.

Thanks everyone.

You’re right it’s not my fault and I can’t change it. I kid myself thinking there’s some way I can make him see how wrong it is to be throwing away friendship with the mother of his children.

But I can’t change it and I can’t keep getting hurt about it.

I need to work on changing my reaction to it!!

You could suggest he does a lot more childcare to get on top of the coughs and hair washes.....