Hi all,
My first post. I feel I really need help. I'm so very very lost and confused. Since my sins birth my depression took hold and also created anxiety generally. I'm getting there slowly but it makes seeing the world difficult at times. I'm hoping you can help?
My husband and I have been married nearly 6 years. His first lie was just a few months in. Something silly about watching porn on his phone. I'm not against him watching it, it's just the way he came up with a lie so quickly. "Oh so and so we're using my phone" after we were married I discovered he was in quite a bit of debt. Stupidly I paid it off. Thinking it would be a fresh start and he was too embarrassed to say anything sooner. Since then we've bailed him out 5 possibly more times always £400 or more. I just don't know what he spends it on.. I make sure all bills are paid and food is always available. I only find out he's in dept because his mood changes when he's over his overdraft. He never let's me know before its too bad. I found out one time as I accidentally opened his bank statement. I owned up straight away and asked him. He lied said it was a mistake, next month I intentionally checked his statement. I know it wrong but I'm so worried about loosing our house. Anyway he lost it with me said I'm controlling etc. Needless to say he stopped them being delivered. I now have no idea how much dept he's in. He also smokes weed occasionally but not openly the first time I found out I was wearing his coat and put my hands in the pockets as it was cold. There it was. A bag of it.. he said it wasn't his. Weeks later admitting to it. Again this has happened a few more times, I didn't go looking for it. One time it was it not his trousers pocket, they were in the wash pile and I check pockets. Another I was in our sons room tidying up and went to open the window. There he is in his van grinding something up and putting it in to a roll up. I asked him straight away. He laughed and said "what grinder, what are you talking about" I honestly thought I was going mad. To check my sanity I looked through the van window and there was a grinder just where I'd seen him put one. He still denied it. I'm baffled. Later on he admits to it but says "it's the first time this year" I just can't believe him with anything.
He's just not honest with where he is etc. I know I sound controlling but I actively support him going out etc.
When I found out I was pregnant he accused me of cheating for months. It's always turned back on me. I've never cheated on him or even lied other than the odd birthday surprise. Even good lies kill me.
I'm on the verge of giving up. I think I may be going crazy, he always says I am...
I hope one of you can offer some advice.