Am I a horrible person or do I just need to "break up" with friends?

[Debbierocket123]

To give this question some background, I am on the autistic spectrum. I find people stressful and confusing to be around and I really hate being touched. I have a few friends who are amazing and "get me" but many that really don't want to understand. I have one friend that calls me multiple times a day and "expects" to see me at least once a week. Another that repeatedly grabs my legs in conversation (EEK!). I have told them this is too much for me, although I love seeing them I also need space and time on my own. To this, they respond with snotty texts, guilt trips or they call me EVEN MORE frequently. I'm tired of being called cold and strange by my mum for not being a "hugger". I've always been like this, it shouldn't be a surprise. Any advice would be appreciated. x

Drop them. You have already explained you don't like being touched or contacted in that way, and they refuse to listen. They clearly don't respect other people's boundaries and in your case there is a good reason to respect your boundaries as it can make you I'll.

They’re not your friends if they don’t respect you.

You could just slowly start to distance yourself. Don’t answer when your ‘friend’ calls you repeatedly and get a couple of stock responses to text her back after her call, something non committal that doesn’t leave you feeling obliged to return her call, ‘busy Just now can’t talk’ ‘I’ll call you when I get some time to myself’.

If she doesn’t back off and the calls keep coming, just start texting back to every other one instead of each one. If she can’t take the hint and let you contact her in your own time she’s being pretty rude.

If it starts to really stress you out have a last ditch text worked out in your head something along the lines of ‘ hi, I can’t chat, I’ve alot on my plate. Is there something wrong?’ If she texts back with intrusive questions about wanting to know why you haven’t been taking calls, just respond with the original stock responses.

Some people think that you owe them your time and emotional labour. You don’t. Real friends should respect your request for time and space. On the other hand if she texts you back to say she’s been desperately trying to get in touch with you because she’s ill or her relationship is up the wazoo or something then you can support her if you wish, but this needy needy just needing constant chats will big the hell out of me too.

Some people are just socially incompatible and if her friendship is stressing you out, just back away politely.

If they can't take you the way you are then cut ties and hang out with the ones that get you.

I am not on the autistic spectrum but I've always found it difficult to spend too much time with people and I also am not a hugger/toucher. As a result I really have only three people that I call 'friend' and we see each other once in a blue moon which is enough for me.

I used to feel sad about not having what I saw as 'normal' friendship models but then I accepted that I can't/won't do the kind of social interactions required for that and made peace with it.

I don't have ASD, and I would find that too much, just as someone who isn't tactile and likes time to themself.

You're not a horrible person. Distance yourself from these friends.

Re-reading...one friend calls you MULTIPLE times a day? IMO that's weird. Your friend sounds over dependent on you. You are not the person with an issue here, friend is. And your friend is ironically the one who is obviously struggling to read the social cues...because I think most people who know not to keep calling someone if theys said they needed space.

Oh OP, find your tribe! It took me until my 40s to really work out the true joy and benefit of living by those words.
We are who we are.
And you have made it abundantly clear to your friends and family who you are and how you are. Still, they step over your very clear boundaries.
How disrespectful of them.
And how lame of your mum, who made you, carried you, delivered you, and raised you, to turn and judge you as cold because you're not a 'hugger'.
I know a lot of 'huggers' who are shitty, self-centred people.
I much prefer to be around the likes of you, who live in truth and are genuine.
You are who you are.
Find kindred spirits... or let them find you, no rush and no need to go out and actively build up a social circle. Do it in your own time and in your own way.
Anyone who is needy/has high expectations/a list of demands gets the boot. For your own peace of mind, you have to draw your lines in the sand and relieve yourself of stressful friendships.
The friendships you have would drive me to drink!

I couldn’t put up with that either if that helps and wouldn’t say I’m cold, although one friend did call me that once because I’m fairly matter of fact about things.

Wow, thanks SO much for your understanding responses so far! You've made me feel like a normal person.

op my mother used to be FURIOUS with me for not being huggy and affectionate. Funnily enough I think I have autistic traits and I'm absolutely sure she did as well she was so bad at showing affection herself but heaven forbid if you had the same problem. She's dead now, so I can laugh about it. It was awful at the time though.

Definitely find your tribe

Hey. I recently broke up with a friend. And haven't had contact with them since. They demanded too much of my time and headspace (the sort of friend who wants to WhatsApp message constantly). Don't listen to your mother. Do what you feel needs to be done.

Thanks :) my mum is just the same! She was never affectionate with us as kids but demands hugs from us and tells strangers that we are huggers and gets us to hug her friends... I find it odd but everyone is different, I respect her for wanting hugs but she also needs to respect my need to NOT wanting them lol. x

@Debbierocket123 lots of social interaction is learnt unconsciously.

If your mother wasn't affectionate to you how can she expect you to be back to her?

Incidentally in my extended family people have always been affectionate to younger children. So while adults didn't hug each other and teenagers don't in general hug adults, it is acceptable to hug a young child and them to hug back if they want.

You can't help it it's just the way you are and I would get rid of the friends that can't accept that. They are obvious stressing you out. As you said you have friends that are great, why do these people not want to understand!

I would lose the plot if people rang me repeatedly...

I'm a bit touchy feely tho, but if someone isn't, I respect that.

In this case it's not you, it's them! :-)

Absolutely not you OP I'm not on the spectrum but very much an introvert and honestly of my friends can't respect that then to be fair the relationship can't work for me...the same way I respect their needs

For example an ex friend of mine had an issue around Christmas....a bereavement meant she couldn't look at Christmas trees ....so I used to deliberately move things and ensure she was never put it that situation by me...however when she couldn't accept after my eldest birth that I couldn't see her every week or I wouldn't let her go parent time to go

My point being if your friends can't respect your needs they aren't really your friends and it's ok to move on