Marriage doubts

[FarFlungFairy]

Is it normal to have niggling doubts and second thoughts about marrying?
We’ve been together 12 years have three kids between us but over the past few months he’s changed and I’m doubting if I should go ahead and marry him or just trust my gut and end it completely.

His good points are that he’s sweet natured, loving and caring, hands on with the kids and makes me laugh, we have fun together.
However he packed in a good job on a whim because he hated it and it was making him depressed, this plunged us in to financial hell as I was on maternity leave at the time.

I did my best to support him but have felt resentful and upset that it forced me back to work before I was ready and meant I couldn’t stay home with our DD for a bit longer like we’d planned.

He’s had leads on jobs that always seem to fall through, he forgot to go to one interview and didn’t reply to another interview offer claiming the email went in to his spam folder

His friend sexually harassed me a few months back and it nearly split us up as DP thought it was just ‘banter’ and it took me having to sit him down and explain that actually no grabbing your mate’s girlfriends boobs when drunk isn’t fucking banter but actual harassment and assault, for him to realise that I wasn’t overreacting.
He apologised (so did his friend) I agreed to try again but I didn’t want anything to do with his crappy friend anymore.
I’ve just found out he wants to invite him to the fucking wedding! Like nothing happened!
I feel really hurt and angry that he still wants this creep in his life after what he did, it’s totally in contrast to this usually adoring man I’ve loved for 12 years.

I don’t know what to do, I’ll be heartbroken if we split up but at the same time do I really want to be married to someone who isn’t on the same page as me when it comes to being a responsible and considerate adult who works with me to take care of our family financially? And who actually puts me before a friendship with a fucking creep?!

I feel like I’m still in love with the man he was a 6 months ago but I dislike who he is now, do I give him a chance or end it and be a single mum? Maybe I’m being unfair though, he’s been mostly great for 12 years and I’m of course by no means perfect, could this just be a blip caused by his work related depression? He had counselling but didn’t start the medication his GP prescribed but now claims to feel fine, but maybe he’s not and this behaviour change is the result of that? I’m so conflicted

Don't marry him while you feel this way. If you have arranged the wedding, cancel it. While you have these doubts it would be madness to go ahead.

See how things go over the coming months. Make time to talk and perhaps have relationship counselling together before you make a decision either way. If you want you can marry him in a couple of years time, or end the relationship if that's what you decide would be best.

The wedding is supposed to be in 3 months time, I feel so gutted when I think about cancelling it

Sorry but I think you would feel worse if you went through with it the way you feel at the moment. You feel he has changed in recent months and that's a good enough reason to at least postpone it.

I think you need an honest conversation with him about his recent change in attitude and behaviour towards you. Perhaps he's not fully aware of the impact this has had on you? If he knew, through honest dialogue, he might be horrified and start behaving again like the man you loved 6 months ago and for all the years before that. Good luck.

So is he working at all now?

So he is currently a SAHD?
Does he do all the housework?
Washing, cooking, shopping, cleaning, etc....?

I'm not sure I could be someone that didn't want to work or make any effort to try to.
To leave you in financial dire straights when on maternity leave is unforgivable.
He sounds irresponsible and selfish.
I think you need to sit him down and tell him what you've told us.

You will not marry him if his vile friend is there.
You will not marry him unless he gets off of his arse and gets a job.

Hmm. The work related depression is unlikely to just go by itself (been there, did the CBT and medication) and might well account for his idiocy in not attending interviews etc. He may also not be telling you how he still feels as he doesn't want to burden you when he probably realises his behaviour left you feeling unhappy. (or just being a bit "ostrich" about it all).
I would however sit him down and explain that you still feel resentful, worried re finances and his attitude to taking responsibility and try to work through that.
I would also point out that if his friend comes to the wedding, you won't.

I would trust your gut.

My ex has a crappy friend who did EXACTLY the same as your partner’s crappy friend. He was grabby with my boobs and my ex did nothing. Ex said it was my problem it’s sexual assault FFS.

He’s not worked since October last year, he was in an OK retail job and was climbing the ladder very quickly with two promotions in less than a year, he didn’t enjoy it though and found it too stressful and couldn’t take the abuse from customers anymore, I don’t blame him for packing it in, I just wish he’d found something else first.

He’s effectively been a stay at home Dad since then, we share the housework but he obviously takes on the bulk of childcare while I work, however he just stays in the house pretty much all day every with our toddler which isn’t good for her, he’s started taking her to the park a couple of times a week though since I pointed this out to him.

I’ve been reading all your replies over and over, it’s so hard to know what to say now.
I know you’re all right and I feel so, so sad.

I’m going to talk to him and tell him exactly how I feel, I’ve been so worried about upsetting and making him feel bad about himself but if I’m not honest with him then what’s the point anyway?

No. Don't marry him. Not now anyway. He seems in no mental state to make that sort of commitment.