How do I get over the guilt of being NC with my mother?

[MrsGorilla]

Up until 18 months ago I was seeing my mum at least once a week. And then I started therapy about her and I snapped and had to ask for space while I worked through our history (she stood by while my stepdad was verbally abusive, bullying, and sometimes violent, and backed him up for 13 years til he left her).

I wrote to her telling her for the first time how the history had affected me (a myriad of MH problems, self harm, self disgust, chronic anxiety). Her reply was all about how MY letter had affected HER and how she’d had to go on strong antidepressants, and have time off work, and how her relationship with my stepdad was hard for her. She said sorry, but three sides of paper was all about her, and excuses.

I felt so guilty about her missing her gc that I let her see dc a bit even though it made me horribly anxious and upset, and everyone here advised me to stop putting myself through it, so I did. I told her I couldn’t bear it and needed to be NC. It was like having faced what she had put me through, the truth was too ugly to ignore anymore.

And then she decided to turn up bold as brass at our school nativity play, upsetting dc and dh and myself.

At first after that I felt entirely correct in my conviction that I should sever things. And I kind of felt proud for being strong. And then over months the doubt started to creep back in- we’ll, not even doubt really, I know things are broken- but the guilt. It is overwhelming at times. It’s like an intrusive thought and at least five times a day I will stage an imaginary conversation in my head where I explain to faceless people why I am not an awful person for not seeing her anymore. And I feel fucking frustrated because I will have been painted as an awful cruel person who has denied her her darling gc but if she’d have been a better mother and not fucked me up this wouldn’t have happened.

How do I get over this crushing guilt? How do I let go of this frustrated dialogue in my head? How do I make peace with this? I mean, it wasn’t all bad, she helped me with DIY shit and doing my garden and looking after dc as babies etc. But before they came along she was just not there for me.

Please help me work this out.

FWIW you have done absolutely the right thing in having no contact whatsoever with your mother (who is not worthy of the term). It was never you at fault here; this is all on her.

This is a good link re getting of the FOG:-

freedomfromnarcissisticandemotionalabuse.weebly.com/blog/out-of-the-fog

I would also suggest you have a read of and or post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. It would also be a good idea to find a therapist that you can work with and who fits in with your approach (so the first person you see may not necessarily be the right one).

Does it help if you think of this guilt as another example of your mothers manipulation.

Your entire life, you have been trained to bow down to her needs and wants. The entire letter was designed to ply on that guilt to make you step back in line.

If anyone should feel guilt it is her. Imagine she is your friends Mum, who allowed her daughter to be abused for years and years, defend him and then when she is explicitly told the damage her behaviour caused, went of on a narc rant.

Would you think your friend it guilt, or the mother?

Do some reading on the FOG and forgive yourself.

I've been through similar, will be brief though as dc shouting about something. I maintained contact until my DC got older then i had an epiphany: I simply would never do to my children what she did to me and NOTHING makes what she did to me okay. It is the role of a parent to make you feel safe, loved, supported and encouraged. She did none of this for me and now does not deserve looking after because she didn't look after me. Drop the guilt, focus all your love on your DC, you are doing the right thing :)

I don't have the answer unfortunately but I just wanted to let you know that you're not the only one with an exhausting Mother related inner dialogue that leaves you questioning your actions and your sanity

I hope you find a way through this.

@mynameistotoro I’m sorry to hear you’re going through it too. I hope you can find your way out as well.

@aussiebean funnily enough my friend echoed your words when I spoke to her yesterday.

Sure your mother is at fault but it's your stepfather who is most to blame .Your mother was likely under his spell and a victim as much as you .Putting all the blame on her is perpetuating his evil influence on both your lives.

You’ve been through more than enough already, the person who should have protected you didn’t. None of this was ever you’re fault, give yourself a break, you’ve made a choice that you believe is right for you, stick with your gut feeling. Do some reading on FOG and take a step back for you and your kids.

I don't agree ferando.

Try and remember you are doing this to protect your children. You cannot do your best for them if your well-being is affected by your mother's shenanigans.

You are all safer without- if you cave, then you will be failing to protect them just as she failed to protect you.

I know I sound harsh, but that may help you keep your resolve. Your mother is an adult and has made her choices. She can rebuild her life in many different ways. Your DC's are your priority as you should have been hers,
.

Unfortunately you don't OP, as a child we have a sense of commitment to the person who gave birth to us no matter how vile or how crap they made our lives.

I do hope you get some sense of calm during this period.

@ferando81 I am disappointed that you’ve taken that viewpoint. Could someone put you ‘under a spell’ and assault your children, do you think? And she wasn’t a victim, he never touched her. She sat there and had a go at me for annoying him/ not cuddling him more a million times. She just wanted to keep him happy.

It is a process really to give yourself permission to let go of the guilt.
You have done nothing wrong you have infact put yourself first and protected you, something your mother did not do for you!

Healing from abuse takes time and therapy reopens feelings buried deep.
I too was abused as a child and I still cannot understand how my mother ignored the physical abuse i endured from my father. I can still see her sitting there like it wasn't happening.
I too am nc and I'm determined to protect me from now on!

@glorificus same. Absolutely baffles me how it happened. May I ask, how did it go when you went Nc, did she get angry or upset with you?

After I went nc there was no further direct contact a sibling passed on a message that was basically my mother denying I'd ever been abused.
We'd never been close so when I received a birthday msg via social media months after nc began it was meaningless to me I had been lc for a number of years so bad already begun emotionally detaching.
My parents are still married but my father had never made much of an effort with his kids while growing up or as adults.

*had already

I get where you're coming from, @MrsGorilla my DSis and I were abused by our F, and also our brother, though he suffered abuse himself so was a victim too. My mum didn't protect us from him; she told me off for hurting him by avoiding him, because I was hurting his feelings. She says she didn't know, but she didn't stop to question why I was reacting to him the way I was. She once told us that she loved him more than us, so we had no reason to think telling her would do any good.

Your mum didn't protect you from your stepfather, so she's guilty of enabling him. Therapy will help you to process it all and decide how much you want to have your mum in your life, if at all. Personally, I do still have contact with my mum. I'm just being very careful to make sure the contact is on my terms.

@gloryificus when you mentioned emotionally detaching I thought aha, that’s what I need! I hope over time this happens.

@lizzie48 I tried doing it on my terms but she got angry with me repeatedly for not letting her have it her way. I’m glad it’s worked for you.

Op you will slowly emotionally detach when you start seeing the person for who they really are: someone you can never depend on.

@gloryificus I think that’s part of the problem, in the last few years before I stepped away she was absolutely falling all over herself to be my best mate and help me with stuff, which has made me feel far worse about NC. Had she stayed distant as she was several years before it would have been SO much easier. So the guilt weighs on me like a ton.

However having written the above I can recognise that a mother only deciding to be interested and present when there are cute grandkids around isn’t great and what about the thirty years before that.

You tell yourself that it’s her actions and inactions which have caused the situation. You remind yourself that you need to do this to protect yourself.

I’m NC with my mother, have been for six years and while I’m sad about the situation I don’t feel guilty. I feel very angry with her but not guilty. You should be angry with your mother imho.

I agree find that anger for the little girl you were that your mother failed to protect. Her more recent falling over you to help /be best mates is too little too late tbh. Empty gestures designed to confuse you.
If you weren't related would she have access to your kids while failing her own?
Any guilt you feel is misplaced hand it back to whom it belongs to : your mother.

And as a mother I know no one out there will be allowed hurt my dc ever! As parents it is always our duty to care for, to shield and protect the most vulnerable members of our family our offspring. There is no excuses for sitting back while abuse is happening infront of our eyes to our own dc!

It gets easier. I have been NC with both my parents for five years now and barely give them a passing thought, they are literally just some unpleasant people that I used to know. I have forgiven them though, it took time but I realised that they are human too and made some terrible mistakes that they have paid for dearly. I am very very happy in my own life too which helps, I have nothing to feel bitterness about or to blame them for.

This all took time though, the first couple of years were very difficult for me. I was angry, guilty, embarrassed, you name it and I probably felt it. I was in serious turmoil for the first year.

Eventually I just made peace with it, through forgiveness and focusing on the good things in my life. It takes time to get over something like this though, so give yourself a break.

Your replies are extremely helpful and I’m comforted to read what people in my shoes are saying, and that it’s not my fault!

@mistermagpie I’m hopeful that I’ll feel as you do in time. I guess it’s very early days here, I only went NC 5 months ago and that’s not very long at all compared to the lifetime of confusion and upset. I’m still very angry and guilty and these things take time I suppose. I naively thought that cutting contact would be instantly freeing and peaceful but it only partly was. My brain is still struggling with it.

I'm just over a year in to NC with my mother and it's getting easier with each passing month. Best thing I've ever done. I do that thing of defending myself against people in my head as to why I'm not in touch with her. I'm starting to get the sense that it's nobodies business but mine, though, and honestly if she has badmouthed me to anyone and they believed her, who cares. They can jog on. Most people will read between the lines of a particular action and realise there must have been a long route to taking such a huge decision, and respect that the person has their reasons.

I think the guilt is all in my head as I don't think may people would judge if I shared it. I am starting to feel braver and am caring less.

Meanwhile, the transformation in my levels of self belief, self confidence and general happiness and alright-in-my-own-skin-ness have skyrocketed. I have spent so long feeling on the margins, waiting for my life to start but not knowing what I was waiting for. Well, it was this - I am free, and I feel like I am soaring away from her and her toxic behaviour. It's amazing.

@rhubarbtea that’s so great to read! Well done, you deserve happiness. at the moment I don’t ever feel I’ll shake this guilt but I’m so pleased to read others have.

Thanks! You'll get there, as you say it's early days and even at 12 months + I still wrestle with the guilt on a regular basis, it's just that it's so WORTH IT if you get what I mean? And it's getting less all the time. It is comforting to know others have trodden the same path. There is a blog I found profoundly helpful, let me see if I can find the link...