Kerry
What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Did you grow up seeing similar in your own childhood?. I wonder if you actually knew this man at all prior to marriage, it seems that you really did not and you became pregnant very soon after starting this relationship.
What he showed you (an image which is really a mirage) and what he actually is (a verbal abuser) are two very different things. Small wonder therefore you are thinking about other men but you really do need to extricate yourself from this marriage first and give yourself time and space to heal. Your recovery from his verbal abuse will only properly start when you have left him.
Such men however, rarely if ever change and staying for the children is rarely if ever a good idea. I presume this is only why you stay now; well that and perhaps some love for him, fear of him and the unknown going forward amongst other reasons.
What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not that it is ok for their dad to abuse you verbally as their mum?. They will hear this, see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him and pick up on this over time. It is no legacy to at all leave them. You would not want that for them and its not good enough for you either.
These types of men often say sorry and promise to change but in reality they are paying lip service to the problem and do not want to change. How is he going to work to change, many abusers as I have said do not change. He seems still not to want to take responsibility for his abuse of you. He does this because he can and it works for him on some level, he likes bringing you down to his base level. Do not make this the norm for your children, a loveless verbal abusive marriage should never be their reference here.
Some abusive men often only show this side of them when marriage and or children come into being because they think it also makes it harder for their intended target to leave. This is who he is and he is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world. It is you (and in turn your children who pick up on all the vibes) who cop his verbal abuse of you. Abuse like this as well thrives on secrecy; time to bus this wide open now and not keep this a secret any more. What are your family and friends like, can they support you here?.
Re your comment:-
"But I’m starting to feel it’s a little to late, I don’t love him like I used to, I constantly feel on edge and have to think about things before I say them, not knowing what kind of a mood he will come home in and even now he’s fine with me I still feel anxious waiting for the next time. I’m scared of upseting him or making him angry because I find him quite scary during arguments, he’s never hurt me but I’m worried he would".
Walking on eggshells is code to my mind for living in fear. No-one should live like that.
If you are in the UK I would urge you to contact both the Rights of Women organisation rightsofwomen.org.uk/ and Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247. Keep posting here too. Make plans to leave and keep yourself safe.